That’s my time! You’ve been a great crowd!

If you haven’t heard yet, hip hip hooray! Ryan Dempster is taking his stand-up act, his divorce papers, his stupid glove flip, and, I suppose, his pitching to Texas. I couldn’t stand Dempster when he was bad. I couldn’t stand him when he got good. I couldn’t stand him when he was bad again, and I couldn’t stand him when he got good again.

Jim Hendry pulled Dempster off the injury scrap heap nearly a decade ago, and Dempster reveled in being a “Cubbie” guy and sucking up to the fanbase by being “hilarious.” Then, as you know, last week Dempster pocket vetoed a Braves trade, costing the Cubs a damn good pitcher. He was all up in arms, saying he didn’t technically reject the trade, and that he was “blindsided” that the Cubs would have the gall to TRADE THE HOTTEST PITCHER ON THE MARKET TO THE SECOND TEAM ON HIS LIST OF TEAMS HE’D LIKE TO BE TRADED TO. It’s my understanding that he REALLY pissed off the front office by torpedoing the trade. Theo is not dumb. He wouldn’t have wasted so much time with that trade if there wasn’t a pretty reasonable assumption that Dempster was okay with it. So, seriously, if you’re still defending Ryan Dempster, you’re a fuckwit.

Good riddance, to the Dane Cook of the Cubs.

With apologies to Smokey Robinson and all the Miracles

Now if there’s a frown on my face,
It’s only because you’re a fool in public.
‘Cuz when it comes down to losing you.
Now, buddy, that’s quite a happy subject.

But don’t let my sad expression,
Give you the wrong impression.
Really I’m glad, oh gladder than glad,
You’re gone, now I’m grinning so bad.
You’re a clown whose impressions are sad.

I have to give Theo a hand,
‘Cuz ain’t too much better than,
The trade of this clown.
On whose pitch Loney pounds.

Now when we got you back in oh-three.
I thought for sure you’d be just a hot mess.
Then, when you wormed your way in, I cried.
I knew that you’d make our rookies wear a dress.

But don’t let my show convince you.
Now I’m so happy since you decided to go.
Oh, I hate you so. You suck, and I want you to know.
That stupid glove flip needed to go.

Now be sad if you’re a Rangers fan,
‘Cuz ain’t too much worse than the jokes of this clown.
When a microphone’s around.

Just like your wife, Jenny did.
I had to keep my sadness hid.
You annoy the public eye.
And you cost us a good guy.
You fucking clown.
Your wife and Peavy pound.

Now be glad if you’re a Cubs fan,
‘Cuz ain’t too much worse than the jokes of this clown.
When a microphone’s around.