Commit to Sucking Now


Does this team even HAVE a "blow" switch?

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn’t hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they’re doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He’s third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he’s fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he’s already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

Whenever there is some actual, bona fide talent waiting in the Minor Leagues, the argument against bringing them to the Major Leagues is that they can’t be rushed. I absolutely hate that argument, but for now I’ll concede the point that these fully-grown men who have been under a microscope since they were twelve years old are so fragile that they will wilt under the MLB media and forget everything they’ve ever learned about baseball if they get off to a start as bad as, oh, say, Marlon Byrd’s. But what if there’s absolutely no rush at the Major League level?

This 2012 Cubs team is bad. They have a legitimate chance to be one of the worst Cub teams in my lifetime. Less than a tenth of the way into the season, and this team is already making my 76-86 prediction look hilarious. They are already SEVEN games behind the NL-Central-leading Cardinals. If the Cubs don’t lose a game for the rest of April, and the Cardinals don’t win a game for the rest of April, the Cubs will only tie them for first place. The odds of that happening are slim, as the Cubs have to play the Cardinals and Phillies in those seven games. What I’m saying is that there is absolutely no one in the Cub organization who reasonably thinks this team can compete this year. Even Ronnie Woo-Woo is thinking about scalping some of his free tickets and, oh, say, getting a fucking job and contributing something to society like actual human beings do.

So, if the expectations are literally and honestly zero from everyone in the Cub organization. If Theo’s Think TankTM will be transparent with the fans and admit that, yes, this is a total rebuilding of the clusterfuck of an organization that Jim Hendry left behind. If the fans would be willing to watch a couple of sub-.400 winning percentage seasons. If Soriano really is toast, Geovany Soto is bad again, LaHair isn’t worse in left field than Soriano is, and DeJesus is as pointless as a Phil Rogers column. Why CAN’T Anthony Rizzo, Brett Jackson, Matt Szczur, and Welington Castillo play this year? No, not this year. I’m sure most of them will be playing this year. Like, right now.

We all know you’re committed to fixing this thing, Theo. Just admit that you’re committed to sucking until it’s fixed.

The 2012 Nut-Punch Ends in…FIVE MONTHS AND TEN DAYS? God dammit.


3 thoughts on “Commit to Sucking Now

  • tristan

    I guess that the real reason Rizzo and Jackson aren’t in the majors is that they’ll be under team control for longer if they stay down in the minors for a bit longer.
    What’s the point of bringing them up early to join a crap team if holding them back is going to give you another year of control?

  • DVXPrime

    Plenty of Chicago Fire season tickets still available…and the Bulls open the playoffs this weekend…fucjk these motherfuckers.

Comments are closed.