A Time to Kill the Seventh Inning Stretch


Also, please stop making us watch Ernie Banks' descent into dementia.




April 12, 2012

VIA CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Crane Kenney
1060 W. Addison St.
Chicago, IL 60613

Re: Seventh-Inning Stretch Performance of April 11, 2012

Dear Mr. Kenney:

This firm represents each and every individual Cubs fan (hereinafter, “Cubs Fans”) who hates the phrase “Cubbies” and who appreciates the irony of singing the intentionally-terrible “Go, Cubs, Go” after a Cub win. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify me of such representation.

You are hereby directed to:

CEASE AND DESIST THE HACKNEYED, EMBARRASSING, COMMERCIALLY-DRIVEN PRACTICE OF BRINGING A CELEBRITY FLAVOR OF THE WEEK INTO THE BROADCAST BOOTH AT WRIGLEY FIELD TO SING THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH.

Cubs Fans are an educated, respected, mildly delusional, masochistic, hopeless part of the community. They have spent more than a century attending Chicago Cubs games and building a reputation for being overly-positive, but knowledgeable baseball fans. It has come to Cubs Fans attention that you have engaged in the spreading awful singing, plugs for horrendous movies, and the comedic “stylings” of Tom Dreesen and Jim Belushi under the guise of upholding a joyful tradition made famous by Harry Caray thirty years ago.

Under 720 ILCS 135/1, it is a Class B misdemeanor to transmit language or terms which are obscene, lewd, or immoral with the intent to offend by means of or while using equipment or wires of any person, firm or corporation engaged in the transmission of news or messages between states or within the State of Illinois.

720 ILCS 135/1-2 defines “harassment through electronic communications” as the use of electronic communication for the purpose of making any comment, request, suggestion or proposal which is obscene with an intent to offend. On several occasions, your company caused the Celebrity Seventh Inning Stretch to be broadcast via one or several of the following electronic means:

  1. Comcast SportsNet
  2. WCIU
  3. WGN Radio
  4. WGN Television

Additionally, your company’s use of an electronic amplification system for the broadcast of the Seventh Inning Stretch to crowds occasionally in excess of 40,000 people qualifies as harassment through electronic communications.

The occasions on which you have violated the pertinent statute are numerous, but I direct you more specifically to the most egregious violations in chronological order:

  1. May 25, 2001: Homeless, unemployed degenerate Ronnie “Woo Woo” Wickers offends the olfactory and audio sensory systems of the crowd at Wrigley Field with his performance of the Seventh Inning Stretch.
  2. July 17, 2001: Barney the purple talking dinosaur obscenely bores the “I Love You” song into the brains of the crowd at Wrigley Field with his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
  3. August 7, 2001: Former Chicago Bear Steve McMichael threatens the home plate umpire from the broadcast booth.
  4. August 17, 2003: Reality TV star Ozzy Osbourne uttered no fewer than twenty curse words throughout his mumbled rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Prove that he didn’t.
  5. May 24, 2005: Jeff Gordon wore a Cubs jacket to sing the Seventh Inning Stretch, but made an obscene and inflammatory statement to the crowd when he called the ballpark “Wrigley Stadium.”
  6. June 13, 2007: Kellie Pickler compares baseball to NASCAR racing, suggests selling milk at the ballpark, and ponders that it would be a good idea to name a baseball team “The Pickles.”
  7. May 25, 2009: Mr. T performs the Seventh Inning Stretch in a Cubs jersey and obscene United States flag Zubaz.
  8. September 16, 2009: Richard Dreyfuss encourages the obscene overuse of mind-altering drugs with everything he says during his Seventh Inning Stretch interview.
  9. April 11, 2012: John Grisham leads the Seventh Inning Stretch with Cub legend Ernie Banks. Not only does Grisham forget the words to the song, but during his booth interview, he admits his love for the St. Louis Cardinals yet wears Cub paraphernalia and then plugs his new baseball book with a likeness of Wrigley Field on the cover.

Accordingly, I demand that you (1) immediately cease and desist any and all future celebrity performances of the Seventh Inning Stretch, (2) provide me with prompt written assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further performance of the Seventh Inning Stretch, and (3) ensure that any future broadcasts of the Seventh Inning Stretch will be performed without vocal accompaniment by Wrigley Field organist Gary Pressy.

If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, Cubs Fans are entitled to seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your harassment. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Cubs Fans have asked us to communicate to you that they will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.

I recommend that you consult with an attorney regarding this matter. If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly.

Very truly yours,
Bad Kermit, Esq.

  • monocleman1

    THIS!

  • Daniel Schulz

    YAY

  • Tony Larussa

    They also electronically transmit the Seventh-Inning stretch via MLB.com, which is run by MLB Advanced Media, which is partially owned by the Cubs as one of the 30 teams in Major League Baseball. This assures that people in all corners of the world can view this abomination. Further, Cubs games are occasionally broadcast via Armed Forces Radio and Television, thus subjecting our American and allied NATO troops serving in Afghanistan and in bases across the world to this.

    • Interrobang

      Furthermore, since it’s on the WGN radio feed, it goes out via SiriusXM to hundreds of truck drivers nationwide.

  • Gus Polinski

    I’ve never thought of Dickey Simpkins as a celebrity or a flavor of the week. Otherwise, I’m with you.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BYGFBZJETSA5NVUFWW4XGQR2AQ JerBear50

      I’ve never thought of Dickey Simpkins, period.

  • Slumpbuster Lover

    It’s not called Armed Forces Radio (and Network for TV) anymore.  It’s been American Forces for at least a decade and sporting events haven’t been broadcasted on radio since the Sports station went away (around late ’05 at the beginning of my first Iraq tour). 

    • Idigapony86

      ^^ Liar.  Just kidding. thanks man.

  • Andy

    When I saw the punny Grisham A Time To Kill in the headline, I was hoping for images of the glistening boobies of an in her prime, blonde, Ashley Judd. But alas, no. So fuck Crane for that, too.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BYGFBZJETSA5NVUFWW4XGQR2AQ JerBear50

    /Slow clap

    Thank you, Kermit. Thank you.

  • djwoody

    A-FUCKING-MEN!