With “Play Ball!” Day rapidly approaching, fluff pieces about bunting tournaments and Alfonso Soriano leading off are giving way to real news. Like Ryan Dempster getting another Opening Day start despite Matt Garza being a far better pitcher, comedian, and human being.

Here is Dempster doing his shtick where he acts all soft-spoken and speaks in baseball cliches. And then, just when he lulls the reporters into a sense of bland interview, that’s when he squirts them with a flower!

In other terrible Ryan news, 100% of the Cajun Connection is looking for a job. The San Francisco Giants are looking to unload both Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot before the end of this week. Otherwise, they’ll just cut them and only pay them 1/4 of their salary. The Cubs had better act fast to move Marlon Byrd to the Braves before they land the REAL prize pig in Theriot! Maybe they can even throw in Dempster’s fake vomit gag!