Q: Who is going to fill out the rotation this year? Is it Ryan Dempster, Matt Garza, Travis Wood, Chris Volstad and Paul Maholm? Can Randy Wells be optioned to Triple-A? — Matthew W., St. Peters, MO
Would that he could, Matthew. Would that he could. But I’m going to go ahead and look on the bright side for the first time in my life. If Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells are both in the rotation this year, I won’t have to watch two out of every five Cubs games!
A: Dempster, Garza and Maholm are set. That leaves Wood, Volstad, Wells, Rodrigo Lopez, Jeff Samardzija and Casey Coleman among those fighting for the final two spots. As Dale Sveum said Sunday:
“This bunting tournament is fucking METAL!!!”
“I think everybody is in the mix for those last couple spots. … It’s going to be an interesting month.”
I can’t wait to see Castro pitch his way out of a first-and-third, one-out jam!
As far as options, the only players who have less than five years of service time and are out of Minor League options are Samardzija, Marcos Mateo, Geovany Soto and Bryan LaHair. That means they would have to clear waivers before they can be sent to the Minors. Wells does have an option left.
Or there’s always other option. The one that ends in a hotel room littered with empty bottles of (1) pills and (2) Draino.
Q: It looks like we’re loaded with first basemen in the farm system with Bryan LaHair, Rebel Ridling, Justin Bour and Richard Jones and trading for Anthony Rizzo adds another great bat.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Rewind. When one discusses the depth that the Cubs have at first base, Anthony Rizzo usually isn’t a fucking afterthought. And generally Rebel Ridling, Justin Bour, and Richard Jones aren’t mentioned before Dan Vogelbach.
What do you think the Cubs plan to do with all that talent in one position? — Mike M., Mt. Pleasant, SC
Trade it for a bag of magic beans!
A: Hopefully, they’ll find someone in that group who can be a superstar for years to come. There’s a baseball cliche that these things have a way of taking care of themselves.
That wasn’t a baseball cliche. That was the sign over the door of Jim Hendry’s office.
“Derrek Lee is hurt and the only backup first baseman on the roster is John Mabry? Don’t worry. These things have a way of taking care of themselves.”
“Greg Maddux’s career is winding up and he really wishes I’d trade him to a contender? Don’t worry. These things have a way of taking care of themselves.”
“Cholesterol is through the roof and you’re going to have to hook me up to a machine just to give me energy to sign Ted Lilly? Don’t worry. These things have a way of taking care of themselves.”
Q: In the recent compensation agreement with the Red Sox for Theo Epstein, how does the player to be named later provision work? Does the receiving team get to choose? Did they negotiate a list to choose from? Is there a deadline? Is this a way to even up the trade because Chris Carpenter for Epstein is not an even trade? Could this be part of a quiet three-way trade? — Charlie K., Valparaiso, IN
Slow down there, Charlie. Even the Muskbox can only handle so many stupid questions which are easily answered through a small amount of Google research.
A: First, there is no three-way deal, quiet or noisy.
Second, the two teams have agreed on a list of lower level prospects and they’re expected to pick those players by mid April. As far as Carpenter is concerned, he was on the Red Sox’s wish list early in the process.
Well, of COURSE the Red Sox have to say that. They don’t want to be the first team in the history of baseball to get outsmarted by the Cub front office.
Q: With Anthony Rizzo being the first baseman of the future for the Cubs, when he eventually comes up, do you think there is any possibility the Cubs move Bryan LaHair to third base?
Ha ha ha ha ha! But, hey, at least this retard didn’t suggest putting a lefty at third base.
I’d love to get his big left-handed bat at the hot corner.
And so on this day, I discovered the easiest way to accidentally get buttfucked.
Could he be like a Troy Glaus perhaps? — Eric L., Glen Burnie, MD
Not even Troy Glaus wants to be like Troy Glaus.
A: LaHair is quicker this spring, he’s stronger, he can crush a baseball, but he’s not a third baseman.
No reason. No explanation. Just pure Carrie.
Q: There was a report that the Cubs chef does not prepare red meat meals. Without further knowledge of the players’ nutrition guidelines, I think…
…I have every right to comment on the players’ nutrition!
…the lack of red meat in a male athlete’s diet is a major mistake. Red meat is a staple to an athletes’ diet.
Like cigarettes, eggs, whole milk, and loose women! Because it’s 1953 where I am!
Are all meals prepared by the team chef? Can you please provide more details about the athletes’ diet? — Patrick G., Washington, DC
I’d just like to dispel the rumor that red meat is even remotely necessary for a professional athlete with the following video, featuring a vegan who could kick the unholy shit out of anyone on the Cubs’ roster.
A: The Cubs have hired a company called “Cookin’ on Wood,” which…
…was named by a bunch of seventh graders.
…provides breakfast and lunch each day in Spring Training. They handle about nine Major League teams in the Phoenix area. The players eat chicken, fish, and turkey, and lots of vegetables.
Wholesome, delicious chicken and turkey.
Said chef John Droghetti: “Everyone has open minds and open mouths.” The team also has a nutritionist on staff. I don’t know what the players eat for dinner but I’m guessing they can get their red meat at that time if they want.