More Braun than Brains 29

I'm living the life I want!

So, some “information” has been brought to me that is far too hilarious to keep to myself. Let’s get the standard disclaimers out of the way. THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. THIS IS BROUGHT TO ME THROUGH “FRIENDS OF FRIENDS” WHO “KNOW PEOPLE” THAT ARE “IN THE ORGANIZATION.” I will also point out in advance to Ryan Braun’s crack legal team that “truth” is an ironclad defense against any allegations of libel. And, let’s be honest, asking me to take this post down basically proves its truth. It’s like when nude photos of a starlet get leaked and they freak out about trying to get them taken down. You’re just calling MORE attention to your fantastic ass, Blake Lively.

WITH ALL OF THAT SAID, does Ryan Braun have herpes?

The Brewers are, ALLEGEDLY, pretty confident that Braun is going to beat the “prohibited substance” wrap. Why? Because, FAKE, TOTALLY MADE-UP RUMORS are swirling that Braun tested positive for herpes, and the totally-acceptable and legal medication given to him by his doctor caused the positive test. Note that Braun has not yet issued an official statement about the test results. Note that Mark Attanasio was quick to point out that Braun tested positive for a “prohibited substance,” not a PED. Note also that Attanasio said, “Ryan has issued a statement that there are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case that will support his complete innocence and demonstrate that there was absolutely no intentional violation of the program.”

If it eventually comes out that The Herp is the reason Braun tested positive, it’s obviously better than steroids for the Brewers, but it’s far more hilarious for us. Oh, how I cannot WAIT for the chants. “MVP! STD! MVP! STD!”

Thank you, anonymous tipster! Thank you SO MUCH.

  • It’s a Festivus Miracle!

  • JackB

    Not only would it be better for baseball’s rep if this were true, but also for sheer entertainment value. It’s a win-win.

    • lol

      you like the cubs.. thats real comedy.

      • kermit the frog

        now that’s funny!

      • kermit the frog

        actually if this is true it’s probably from JackB’s wife’s cold sore when she was giving Braun a knob job when JackB was at work…

        • JackB

          My wife only bangs black dudes when I’m at work so it couldn’t have been her. Thanks for playing though.

  • Crap. Did he say which medication it was? Kickball playoffs are coming up and I don’t want to cause any embarrassment for my organization.

  • ferrets_bueller

    please, please, please, PLEASE let this be true. Epic hilarity would ensue.

    • lol

      epic hilarity? dont ever use the word epic again..

  • kermit the frog

    wow, take away this guy’s ability to write articles. he sounds like a 7th grader writing about his girlfriend who just dumped his pizza face.

    • It’s super-creepy that you’re reading a seventh-grader’s diary.

  • Oooh trolls, one of the three brewers fans out there must have found your website by google searching “Ryan Braun” and “Herpes”.

    • Result #7 already!

    • F the Pats

      And one of the billion bandwagon BoSox fans (aka. You) must’ve been sleeping all summer when the Brew Crew went on a tear and ran away with their division, as hundreds of thousands of die hard fans cheered and celebrated their rise to the top!

      • Not sure what this has to do with Boston, but more people in the city of Milwaukee watched the Packers play a regular season game then the Brewer’s playoff game that was on at the same time. Also, go Yankees asshole.

      • What the fuck are you talking about?

        • wait you’re a bosox fan?

          ps – metsman1980 may be here somewhere.

  • idigapony

    These trolls need to get over it. If Derrek Lee would have gotten the Clap in 2005, not a single reader of this blog or desipio would have gone to their shitty sites to defend him. We would have thought it was hilarious. Kermit would have weird al’ed it, or written a screenplay, and Andy would have posted a youtube video about it a week after it happened.

    Have a sense of humor Brewers fans. It’ll all even out. I’m sure Starlin Castro is getting some sketchy, strange, you know what right now.

    • Oddly enough, Leonard Cohen has a song for JUST THAT SITUATION called “Clap! Clap!” For the record, I would have used that or “Goodbye, Stranger”.

  • A-Ram Baller

    Don’t these trolls know you have to mention Juan Pierre in order to be a true troll on this site?

  • Rick

    So he is the Hebrew hammer!

  • JerBear50

    I’m not sure if having the herps counts as “highly unusual” in an MLB clubhouse. Being in Wisconsin, I’m not sure if “slightly unusual” would even apply.

  • i wonder if this is going to hamper his ability to score from third. HEY-O!!!!

    • F the Pats

      Now that’s hilarious!!

  • The only way this could possibly be any better is if beastiality were involved.

    Although, to be fair, I want beastiality involved with everything.

  • AB

    Isn’t the rumor around milwaukee that Braun is a “swith-hitter”

    • idigapony

      “switch hitter” is such an old and tired euphemism. I prefer- Ryan Braun “hit’s to all fields.”

      • ferrets_bueller

        …and he prefers to hit in front of the runner.