Hire Jim Essian

And, so, 2011 comes to a close with two more godawful shitty teams winning major sports titles and making us sad to be sports fans. Oh, well. 2012 will certainly be better, as long as the world ends at some point. GO, MAYANS.

A funny thing happens when one includes active players on a list of Cub-killing baseball players that takes over four and a half years to complete. Statistics CHANGE. So, when I compiled the T79 and started it way back on- June 24, 2007? Holy shit. Anyhow, Xavier Nady was a reasonable choice back then. There were guys higher up on the T79 whose statistics changed, and whom I was able to swap in and out of the lineup. Ryan Theriot comes to mind. But now that I'm at the top 20, I think I have to grin, bear, and just go for it. On my sealed master list of T79ers, buried in a vault beneath the McDonald's parking lot across from Wrigley Field, I made myself just one note: "absurd OPS vs. Cubs." It's no longer absurd, but my sheer stubborn will causes Xavier Nady to stay at #14 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

Bob Walk made 259 starts in his 14-season MLB career, and took only four showers. Perhaps one for each loss he suffered against the Chicago Cubs. It wouldn't surprise any Cubs fan of the 1980s to know that Bob Walk has a World Series ring. Or that Bob Walk was an All-Star. It might surprise the rest of the world, though. Throughout the course of his career, Walk pitched better against the Chicago Cubs than he did against any other team in Major League Baseball, which is why he threw his way to #16 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Happy Festivus, everyone! It's a great time to be a holiday-lover, what with all of the celebrating that's going to be going on this weekend. Whatever your belief system may be, celebrate safely, dummies. I might be back on Monday, but more likely Tuesday. Please talk amongst yourselves until then.

And here's to you, Reed Johnson. We all love you more than Theriot, And Fontenot. You're so scrappy, Reed Johnson. We love to watch you make a diving play. Give fly balls chase. Smash your face.

When Bobby Abreu first became an MLB superstar, everyone said, "Hey, this guy hits like Sammy Sosa, except he draws walks and doesn't seem like as big an asshole! And, hey, he sort of looks exactly like a rounder Sammy Sosa! I wonder if he does steroids, too!" Perhaps, everyone. Perhaps. At least if you were a Cubs fans, it certainly APPEARED that Abreu did steroids. He was a tormentor of Cub pitching, and he slugged his way to #17 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The offseason is a time of hope, joy, and positive feelings about your team, no matter how bad they were the previous season. This week's Muskbox echoes that sentiment with happy thoughts of Anthony Rizzo, Paul Maholm, and Derrek Lee! Because the Muskbox is where dreams go TO DIE. Sorry it's not dumber, but people want to know what direction the team is headed for 2012. No answers are forthcoming. SPOILERS.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

Well, the Ryan Braun rumor is circulating, meaning it probably has more legs than the stupid Brewers fans who came to this site are admitting. Honestly, I don't know why they're so mad. If someone told me I had a choice between accepting that Sammy Sosa did steroids and that all of his home runs were tainted or accepting that Sammy Sosa nailed a bunch of bar skanks and his taint was tainted, I'd take the tainted taint every single time. This is why Brewers fans are stupid, and there shouldn't be baseball in Wisconsin at all.