Can't you just stuff it with poison?

If you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping, and you know some Cubs fans, and you HATE them more than anyone who lives on this earth, then the Cubs have just the thing for you! This Friday at 10:00 a.m., the Cubs are offering four-game “Holiday Packs.” As has become a bit of a tradition around here, let’s take a look at your options!

Holiday Pack A:

This pack kicks off with a- WOW! A Saturday game! Maybe there are actually a few decent options in this year’s offering! Who are they playing? Oh. The Nationals. Well, I guess that would be sort of cool if it’s around the Fourth of July. You know. For the sake of patriotism. April 7th, you say? Fuck you, Crane.

Hey, at least the remaining three games are against divisional foes. There’s even a night game against the defending World Champion Cardinals! On Tuesday, April 24th. You can see the rivalry renewed with two new managers, assuming your eyeballs don’t freeze over. Hey, at least the game against the Reds could have some nice weather! It’s on September 20th, which isn’t TOO late in the year, and it’s a day game! On…a Thursday. I guess if you take a sick day, you can make it happen. Pack A comes to a delightful conclusion with the only team in the NL Central worse than the Cubs in 2011. The Astros. On October 1. At 7:05 p.m.

Holiday Pack B:

Though you get to see four NL Central teams (at least for now) Pack B is shockingly worse. The Cardinals are off the table in favor of the Brewers. On April 9. At night. Your Saturday game is against the Reds on April 21. The warmest game you’ll see is September 17 against the Pirates. And your weekday afternoon game is an October 3 battle against the Astros.

Holiday Pack C:

If you hate the Astros, than Pack C is the pack for you! The ONLY pack for you, since five of the six packs have an Astros game in them! Pack C drops the Astros in favor of the Braves in an actual MAY game! So what if that game is on a Wednesday at 1:20? And that it’s still only May 9, when there will still be snow on the ground and most Chicagoans are praying for 50-degree weather? If Wednesday day games in May aren’t your thing, how about THURSDAY day games in APRIL? Because you’ll get one of those, April 12 against the Brewers. Pack C is rounded out with a Sunday, September 16 game against the Pirates with a night game only three days later against the Reds. WELL THOUGHT-OUT!

Holiday Pack D:

Pack D is basically the gainfully-employed version of Pack A. Instead of having to watch the Reds during a mid-week day game, you can watch the Reds during a mid-week night game. As long as you don’t mind also watching the Nationals and Astros. And if you enjoy frostbite.

Holiday Pack E & F:

Just imagine Holiday Pack B (AND HOW COULD YOU FORGET?) with the Brewers, Reds, Pirates, and Astros coming to town, only on DIFFERENT DAYS. Come to think of it, if you bought Pack B, E, and F, you could watch three games in a row of Brewer, Red, and Astro baseball, plus three out of four against the Pirates!

The Holiday Packs are priced thusly:

Upper Deck Reserved Outfield – $94 per pack*
Upper Deck Reserved Infield – $110 per pack*
Terrace Reserved Outfield – $142 per pack*
Terrace Reserved Infield – $164 per pack*
Bleachers – $176 for the Bleacher Pack*

We’ll go ahead and ignore the fact that the furthest seat from home plate is STILL the most expensive one in the park. Also, that you don’t even get an actual seat with a back, and stuff. The asterisks are where the real mystery lies. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?

*Available for select games. Price reflects purchase of 2 tickets for a 4 game pack. 12% Amusement Tax not included.

So, suppose you buy bleacher seats, that’s $197 with the “amusement tax.” What is Chicago sales tax, 10.25%? So, we’re up to $217 for eight tickets. That’s $27 a ticket for shitty seats against bad teams at a terrible time of the year to be watching baseball in Chicago. I’m glad Theo is worrying about the baseball side of things right now, because the sales department still really sucks.