Hire Jim Essian

It's a sad night for the Friday Night Fukudome. This is the first night since the inception of the Fukudome that Kosuke Fukudome is not a Cub. Though the Fukudome will live on, the other Fukudome is now forced to commit seppuku. SAD. All you dopes that were crying for Tyler Colvin, well- Be careful ... Read More

Well, the trading has begun. All of you Tyler Colvin lovers will finally have your day in the Wrigley Field sun. Enjoy it, idiots. More importantly, HAS ANYONE CONSIDERED WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE SPORADIC FRIDAY NIGHT FUKUDOME?! Oh, well. Who will be the next to go in the upcoming winds of change? Your tips are ... Read More

Billy Wagner has had a very long, very successful MLB career. Wagner was half of a lethal back end of a Houston Astros bullpen in the early '00s. Wagner saved games behind setup man Octavio Dotel. He's saved quite a few of them in his sixteen seasons. 422, to be precise. He might be stuck ... Read More

There are some members of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time who were still relatively successful players against MLB teams that WEREN'T the Cubs. The 37th biggest Cub Killer, Mike Fitzgerald, is not one of those guys. No, Fitzgerald was only a .235/.321/.346 hitter throughout the course of his ten-year career, which he spent mostly with ... Read More

The Muskbox is back with a robustness that was lacking last week. It's also unreasonably back on a Thursday. I politely asked if Carrie would reconsider, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. Oh, well. Will this week's Muskbox answer the question of why Jim Hendry inexplicably declared Jeff Baker untouchable? Will it declare Carlos Marmol ... Read More

As awful as we've been this year, somehow the Astros are significantly worse. And that's hilarious, because Houston sucks and no one should live there. Or, if you're from Houston, I LOVE that town! And everything is totally okay with our team, and I just flat-out love life! Your tips are as appreciated as the sugar-coating ... Read More

Good stuff, people. I know Photoshop entries take time, and I'll probably make my next Twitter solicitation more accessible. Still, Photoshops are almost always worth it, and I laughed at the submissions I got, so well done. See below. I say Gran Slam-O is the winner of...nothing. But I found it both funny AND gritty! ... Read More

I'm going to get around to posting the Photoshops from the other day. I'm also going to get around to the next entry on the T79. But occasionally there comes along an article so stupid, that it must immediately be addressed. Five times out of ten, that article is written by Phil Rogers. But the other ... Read More

I need to get a quick confession off my chest right up front here. When I was a kid, I loved Mark McGwire. I don't know if it was because he was a first baseman like me, because his team had actually won a World Series in my lifetime, or because I felt bad that he was a ... Read More

Perhaps the most hilarious thing of all the hilarious things about this 2011 Cubs season is the continued presence of Tony Campana on a Major League roster. The second most hilarious thing is some people's insistence that Tony Campana is a good baseball player because he "plays the game" the "right way." Tony Campana has yet to SLUG ... Read More