Hire Jim Essian

Sometimes, the biggest Cub Killers of my time aren't all about the statistics. Sometimes, they're more about the timing of their hits than the number or distance of those hits. Sometimes, there was just an opponent that any rational Cubs fan did NOT want to see at the plate or on the mound in a crucial situation. ... Read More

There are two things that stand out in the career of Vinny Castilla. His dark, flowing mullet and the horrible things he did to Cub pitching throughout the course of his 16 MLB seasons. Cub pitchers breathed a collective sigh of relief when the former Rockie, Brave, National, Astro, and Devil Ray retired after the 2006 season. ... Read More

Yo, Washington! I hear you need a new manager. (HT: Martin) So, your old one was such a dope that he got your team back to .500 baseball with a nice little run, then had no idea what to do with himself, panicked, and made the worst bluff in managerial history. Jim Riggleman is the guy ... Read More

Though I'm not 150 years old, I can only assume that if I were, I would have been in attendance at good old National League Park in Cleveland on Wednesday, August 6, 1890. On that historic day, a young feller by the name of Denton True Young made his Major League debut with the Cleveland Spiders against the Chicago ... Read More

Jim Thome's Major League Baseball career started in 1991, the same year as one James Sarkis Essian. Nearly TWENTY years after his rookie season, Thome managed to garner an AL MVP vote while compiling a .283/.412/.627 slash line with the 2010 Minnesota Twins. Thome has continued to be a productive hitter and, by all accounts, a very likeable, ... Read More

I hate the Yankees, I hate that they're in town, I hate that anyone cares that they're in town, and I hate that the media is going to talk about us more because the Yankees are in town. Okay? Is that enough of a sound bite for you? You want me to read it out loud? ... Read More

Please note. Only SOME of this press conference with Tom Ricketts is made-up. I'd like to thank you all for coming to this mandatory press conference. Please be advised that this will be the last time I speak before I retire to my chambers, take one last look at QuickBooks, and hang myself. Please tell my ... Read More

Our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN reported yesterday that the Cubs were wearing "F**K THE GOAT!!!" t-shirts to warm-ups. And, sure enough, he got picture evidence for us. Sullivan wonders if some fans will be up in arms that the Cubs are screwing around during a losing season. Not me. I'm more annoyed that the Cubs are ... Read More

After thousands of man hours of work, my first post is up at SB Nation Chicago. I will now be able to resume your regularly-scheduled mediocre posting schedule. ... Read More

Well now our tiny little eight-game hiccup is over, we're ready to right the ship and start beating up on some of the patsies in this league like the- Phillies? Goll durnit. Your tips are more appreciated than missing Roy Halladay in this series. Wait. We have to face him? SIGH. Bryce Harper is a colossal douche. I was woefully ... Read More