To quote Tyler Durden, “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” If only the Ricketts were aware that the only thing unique about the product they’re peddling is the fact that it’s the most futile sports franchise in all of professional sports. They have a 25-man roster just like everyone else in baseball. Their players are wackily trying to play the same ancient game as the other 29 teams in the MLB. No matter what the Rickettses may believe, the bases at Wrigley Field are 90 feet apart, just like they are everywhere else.

So, why the hell does EVERY SINGLE pre-game interview have to include one of the two questions:

1. If the interviewee is a current or former player: “So, what is/was your favorite part of playing at MAGICAL UNICORN DOUBLE RAINBOW BIG-BREASTED ASIAN WOMAN FRIENDLY CONFINES Wrigley Field?”
2. If the interviewee is not a current or former player: “So, what’s the best part of coming in to OH MY GOD THE GRASS HERE TASTES LIKE BACON ICE CREAM Wrigley Field?”

What the fuck? Last night, Judd Nelson wasted his first twelve questions trying to get Glenallen Hill to say that hitting his over-Waveland-Avenue monster home run during the 2000 season with the Cubs was the most MEMORABLE MAGICAL CENTAUR FOUR-DAY WEEKEND FREE BLOWJOBS home run of all time!!!

His second twelve screaming questions were basically based around how awesome it was to play in Wrigley Field with OMG SAMMY SOSA AND JEFF HUSON!!!

Yo, Rickettses. How about a little less selling the fucking experience, and a little more selling the TEAM? Because the Wrigley Experience so far this year is echos and crickets. Heh. That rhymes with Ricketts.