Popeye on the Internet: The “Opening Day” Edition


What, was Altobelli busy?

EDITOR’S NOTE: In light of a new season starting today, in keeping with the theme of HJE, and because Uncle Mike is about as vanilla as Neapolitan ice cream without the chocolate and strawberry, we have a new Friday host! Be nice to him. He’s old.

Hello, Cubs fans. Popeye here. I guess I’m supposed to tell you all what addresses you should read on the world wide web. Because I don’t have my own tribute location where I can keyboard in my OWN articles. Do you idiots even REMEMBER 1989? Ungrateful whipper snappers. I see here two ex-Cubs played major parts in losing games for the Cardinals and Brewers yesterday. I bet you all enjoyed that. It may be 20 years since I last wore a Cubs uniform, but I know little pukes like Theriot. Ever hear of a little guy named DOUG DASCENZO? No, seriously, have you? Because I have his name in my Rolodex, and I have no clue who he is. If you want to send me tips about the internet, you can fax them here.

Is that all I’m supposed to do? Do I turn the keyboard off, or what happens now? What’s this red “X” in the upper

-Popeye

  • DVXPrime

    Hello, folks. I currently live in Maryland (my Maryland), where I am a 90 minute drive from two of the worst-run franchises in baseball. I am referring to the Washington Nationals (formerly Montreal Expos) and the Baltimore Orioles (being run into the ground by Peter Angelos). My original home state is Illinois, the state which has sent four of their last nine governors to jail (you’re next, Blago), and the recent governor decided to jack up the state taxes by 75%…there goes your beer money, Bleacher Bums. Rahm Emmanuel just got elected mayor (feel free to blame the White Sox fans). Neither of the two MLB teams in Chicago did ANYTHING this offseason to build themselves into pennant contenders. The Cubs new owners are already showing their asses…honeymoon’s over. And oh, yeah, the Cubs will be racing the Pirates to a 100-loss season. All this in a sport run by a used-car salesman.

    Major Leauge Baseball in Chicago…welcome to the Heart of Darkness.

    Feel free to stay drunk all season guys…every time I crack open a Miller Lite, I’ll think of you all, and say a prayer.