Hire Jim Essian

Today marks the fourteenth anniversary of the death of one of the greatest sportswriters and Cubs fans of all time, Mike Royko. If you were an aspiring newspaper man in Chicago from oh, say, the '60s until about the '90s, you probably wanted to be Mike Royko. He was brilliant, hilarious, insightful, and inspiring. You are sorely ... Read More

So it was prophesied that in the fourth month of the 2011th year, there would be much wailing, renting of garments, and gnashing of teeth of the loss of the tiny little soul of Sam Fuld. Is there any doubt that the same people crying that Sam Fuld is no longer in Chicago would be the same people complaining ... Read More

To quote Tyler Durden, "You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." If only the Ricketts were aware that the only thing unique about the product they're peddling is the fact that it's the most futile sports franchise in all of professional sports. ... Read More

Prior to the start of the 2011 nut-punch season, I figured the Cubs would hover around .500 for most of the season. I think I picked them to go 79-83. I might have edited that number in a positive way had Andrew Cashner and Randy Wells stayed healthy. But now this season reeks of slightly-below-.500 baseball, which ... Read More

Is it too early to get excited about the prospect of an 81-81 season? For one glorious fleeting moment, we were in first place yesterday. So you WEREN'T just high as shit. Well, you might have been, but we were ALSO in first place. That's the best thing I've heard since you tipped me. And speaking of ... Read More

If there's one terrible thing about having to watch Comcast Sports Net and WGN to see Cubs games, it's the fact that the Cubs share TV time with the White Sox. Therefore, every time they run a TV promo of two of the most exciting moments in recent (2005 DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN) White Sox history, I have no choice ... Read More

Your worst nightmare has come true. You're in a room with no windows and no doors, and Ryan Dempster is doing George Bush impressions while black widow spiders crawl out of his eyes. ALSO, Sam Fuld is, apparently, THE BEST PLAYER IN BASEBALL! (HT: Pre) The formerly fat baby is leading the league in stolen bases with 7. ... Read More

At the beginning of this week's Muskbox, Carrie points out that the 'Box has been on hiatus for a while. Now, I'm a man whose website, at this point, basically exists solely to mock the Muskbox, and this hiatus was news to me. Also news to me is that Angel Guzman's mortality status is currently: STILL ALIVE. ... Read More

I sure hope you guys enjoyed our brief stay at .500. Because the Rockies are actually kind of good. Oh, and we're still missing 40% of our starting rotation. And Jeff Samardzija is still on the team. Pitching in Colorado should be F-U-N! But the big news of the week is Barry Bonds managing to avoid a ... Read More

Far be it from me to laugh at a 7-5 team for their most-recent bullpen meltdown. HJE is WAY too classy to engage in that sort of mockery, especially when the Sox are much more likely than the Cubs to be in a race come September. I'll just let Ozzie do the mocking for me in a way ... Read More