I give credit to you, my lovely HJE readers, that you’re not a part of the meatball culture in Chicago. I would like to think that during Sunday’s NFC Championship, even if you were initially incensed that Jay Cutler was standing (the absolute NERVE) on the sidelines listening to what appeared to be Fallout Boy on his iPod, that you at least took the time to read about how he did everything he could to get back on the field (despite the trainers’ advice), but the pain of his MCL tear was too much for him to bear. And I truly hope that at no point whatsoever were you vapid enough to think that Jay Cutler in even the most obscure, stupid of ways compares to STEVE BARTMAN. And that’s why I pray that John Beattie doesn’t read HJE. Because he had the nerve to smear this article all over a perfectly good piece of paper.

Jay Cutler Gives Steve Bartman Reason to Smile

Lifetime of Huffing Glue Gives John Beattie Reason to Write Article

It was over seven years ago that Steve Bartman became the most-hated man in Chicago.

/checks Sun-Times to see if Jay Mariotti was still writing for them


The Bartman incident doesn’t need repeating…

Or mentioning. Ever again. But please don’t let that stop you, ESPN, or any number of sensationalist assholes too lazy to do research and write an interesting sports article.

…but with all of this Jay Cutler-bashing in the Windy City, one can’t help but remember the infamous Cubs fan.

One can. That one is me.

It was in 2003 that Bartman, like any baseball fan would do at any ballpark across the country and at any point of any game…

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. NO. NO. NO. Bartman did NOT deserve what he got from the press and from the city of Chicago in general. But we’re not ALL as fucking stupid as Steve Bartman. I would not have reached for that fly ball. Many fans who are more situationally-aware than Steve Bartman would not have reached for that ball. There were, in fact, people IN THE SAME SECTION AS STEVE BARTMAN who were trying to prevent other people from interfering with that fly ball. As the rest of the world explained SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, Bartman wasn’t the reason the Cubs lost that game, but his dumb ass certainly didn’t help.

…simply reached out for a foul ball.

…over the railing, interfering with a ball in play. I understand that you’re a Red Sox fan, so you’re probably unfamiliar with the rules of baseball.

He wanted a souvenir and wanted to get it the hard way.

No, that’s the easy way. You don’t want to know the hard way to get a souvenir.

/pets Kerry Wood hair doll

He missed it, however, and unfortunately, Cubs outfielder Moises Alou missed it too.

Or, the ball never actually got to Alou. Because, you know, it WOULD have fallen directly into his glove. You’d think you would have caught that one time in the tens of thousands of times you saw that replay. Hey, let’s relive it again with Guile’s theme playing in the background!

Long story short: the Cubs lost, the streak continued and Bartman received more death threats than Wrigley’s famous outfield fence has ivy.

Ivy…leaves? Because otherwise that analogy makes less sense than the Germans taking Poland. WHAAAAAAAAT?

This past Sunday in the same city, roughly 87 months and seven miles from the Wrigley Field debacle…

That’s cute that we’re still measuring it in months. It’s like a baby debacle!

…Cutler gave Chicago sports fans reason to explode again with rage.

By severely injuring his knee during an important game! That son of a bitch!

This time, believe it or not, it might be worse than what Bartman pulled on a cold October evening.

I choose not to believe it. But until today, I chose not to believe that people as dumb as you exist. So JOKE’S ON ME.

Cutler is paid millions to play a very physical sport where injuries happen and happen a lot.

That- That totally disproves your point. If injuries happen a lot, it stands to reason that the occasional injury will happen to an important player during an important game. And yet, even after an entire SEASON of getting hit harder than Rihanna (now THAT’S an analogy!), Cutler tried to hobble back out onto the field with a TORN MCL to keep playing.

Whether they’re charlie horses, bloody gashes, broken noses or sprained ankles, football players tend to play through bumps, bruises, and everything in between, especially during the biggest games of the season.

You get a charlie horse from standing up too fast at Burger King. When a defensive lineman tears your lower leg off, you get a torn MCL. But, no, I’m sure the injuries are pretty similar.

After being removed from the game with an apparent knee injury…

“Apparent”? FUCK. YOU.

…Cutler was spotted walking around on the sideline and even warming up on an exercise bike nonetheless.

That wuss should have been sitting in a Bears-colored rocking chair smoking a Bears pipe, like Butkus would have done!

Following the final whistle, he then walked off the field under his own power.

Did you add, “While having to cut and dodge away from blitzing linebackers, push off his leg to deliver accurately-thrown footballs, and keep his eyes downfield in less-than-stable field conditions with a porous offensive line?” Let me check.

I repeat: he walked off the field under his own power after leaving the NFC Championship game in front of his home crowd.

Guess not.

He wasn’t carted off the field.

He’s trying to save money for the taxpayers!

He didn’t go to the hospital.

He didn’t even spit blood from his mouth!

And he certainly didn’t fight the training staff to get back on the pitch.

You incompetent fucking liar. How DARE you write this article (posted, by the way, at 12:43 a.m. on Monday, PLENTY of time to get the full story) without checking a single fact? YOU are the reason Cutler rightfully hates the media. Because you’re an incompetent hack.

What he did do was prove to Chi Town and the NFL world that he is, indeed, the Jay Cutler everyone viewed him as: a weak, selfish punk who will never win the big game nor the hearts of his fan base.

If I were your editor, you wouldn’t even be fired. You’d just be drug out into the street and shot.

There’s a report that Cutler, who had apparently found out about the Twitter world tearing him a new one, was even crying after the loss by his locker room.

What an asshole!

This is good news for Bears fans as it proves he actually does have a heart and potentially even a soul.

No way! That just proves he’s a sissy Mary! We Bears fans like our quarterbacks tough, our beers cold, and our work shirts blue collar!

Somewhere, Steve Bartman is smiling — and rightfully so. He’s not the most-hated man in Chicago … this week, at least.

You’re right. This week, it’s John Beattie.