There’s one guy in the Cub clubhouse who has to be absolutely fuming about the Cubs’ recent acquisition of Matt Garza. He’s that guy rubbing Icy Hot on Kerry Wood’s jock strap right now. He’s wearing a fake nose and REALLY wants you to pull his finger, for some odd reason. That guy is Ryan Dempster. Not because Matt Garza is going to take his spot in the rotation. Because of the OTHER guy the Cubs got from Tampa Bay. Fernando Perez.

You see, I imagine Dempster likes being the funniest guy in a room. That’s probably why he’s (1) from Canada, and (2) spent his entire life as a baseball player. Baseball players are generally so dumb that they think the pinnacle of comedy is randomly blurting out, “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch.” (But, seriously, fuck that fucking movie.) EXAMPLE ENTIRELY BASED ON HEARSAY: A former softball teammate of mine used to regularly see Kyle Farnsworth frequenting the Forest Park bars. My friend said one night Farnsworth was “amusing” the other bar patrons by literally farted on his then-girlfriend. HIGH COMEDY.

So, it must infuriate Dempster to know that he’s no longer the funniest guy in the locker room. Meet Fernando Perez, the “throw-in” of the Matt Garza trade. (I owe a HT to someone for this, and I think it’s Eli. Sorry if it’s not.)

THAT is how you do comedy, Dempster. It’s a bit more subtle than a tie that looks like piano keys, but maybe you can learn something from this kid. I couldn’t care less about Perez’s .206 OBP in 2009 as a Ray. I love this guy, and I want him to make the Major League roster, if only so he can shake his head in disbelief at Dempster’s awful Harry Caray impression.