Hire Jim Essian

From all the hullabaloo this week, one would think that Jay Cutler was a worse human being than that rapey Ben Roethlisberger or that puppy murdery Michael Vick. Oh, wait. People ARE saying that? (HT: Eli) I hate you, humankind. If you have tips about how awful people are that may compare to that one, ... Read More

Also, did anyone realize that Todd Wellemeyer had a blog when he was a Cub? And he apparently discussed things like having to sneak on to a golf course. He must be the only man on earth TOO WHITE for golf. ... Read More

I give credit to you, my lovely HJE readers, that you're not a part of the meatball culture in Chicago. I would like to think that during Sunday's NFC Championship, even if you were initially incensed that Jay Cutler was standing (the absolute NERVE) on the sidelines listening to what appeared to be Fallout Boy on his iPod, that ... Read More

So help you God if you answer this VERY SIMPLE Friday Night Fukudome incorrectly. If you have to have someone read it to you, Packers fans, please do so. VS. Bears Packers ... Read More

Let's be honest. You're already tailgating Sunday's NFC Championship game. And I don't blame you one bit. Win or lose, there's going to be a hell of an atmosphere in Chicago and in Soldier Field. I would appreciate a Bears win as much as I appreciate your tips. Make every day clear the way to ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More

Thank you to everyone who let me know that CRIMINALLY MISUNDERSTOOD Milton Bradley was arrested for criminally misspeaking to a woman. It was probably that racist bitch of a kindergarten teacher his son had in Chicago. Here is California Penal Code Section 422 concerning "criminal threats": 422. Any person who willfully threatens to commit a crime which will result in death ... Read More

If you were at Friday night's Shitty O'Kea's debauchery, you might have noticed that I spent a fair amount of time chatting with professional ginger, Gordon Wittenmyer. Dolan already recapped a fair amount of Friday's festivities, but I'm pretty sure I experienced a Gordon Wittenmyer that few have seen, and even fewer have openly mocked. After you read Dolan's recap, ... Read More

The Cubs traded the pride of Triton College to the Washington Nationals in exchange for three prospects. God speed, Tom Gorzelanny. I always liked you a lot better than Carlos Silva. ... Read More

By the time you're reading this, I'll be pre-gaming the Cubs Convention with Dolan and TDubbs. God, that's sad. Anyhow, two things of note in this week's FNF. First, it's surprisingly difficult to find a picture of a fat guy in sweatpants on the internet, so I spared your eyes and gave you a Friday night treat. ... Read More