For much of the mid-2000s, the Milwaukee Brewers’ rotation consisted of Ben Sheets and four indistinguishable jackasses who couldn’t throw fastballs hard enough to break water and had an aggressive affinity at alliteration. I’m not one for ridiculous conspiracies, but there is absolutely no reason to believe that Dave Bush, Doug Davis, Gary Glover, and Chris Capuano are not the same person living four separate lives with four separate families and four separate paychecks. But I’m not here to suggest that Ned Yost trained one super-mediocre pitcher to throw with both arms and forced him to pitch four out of every five days, alternating arms with each start, in order to cut costs in Milwaukee. That would be- That would be absurd! No, I’m here to suggest that Chris Capuano, one of the four identities of Ned Yost’s Ambidextrous Voltron Experiment of the Mid-2000s, is the 48th biggest Cub Killer of My Time. Remember that list?

Chris Capuano thinks he’s some sort of smarty pants. After serving as getting elected to the position of winning being valedictorian of his high school class, he went to Duke and became a Phi Beta Kappa. You know how you can tell if someone went to Duke? THEY TELL YOU. While earning his degree in economics from Duke, Capuano learned that money is good and having a lot of it is even better. So when he was drafted by the Arizona Diamondbacks on June 2, 1999, it only took him three months to figure out he should sign a contract. Duke, we thy anthems raise!

Capuano pitched in the minors for the Diamondbacks for a while before being selected to represent Team USA in the 2001 World Cup of Baseball. Team USA won the silver medal because, apparently, baseball is now as much America’s pastime as Korfball. You win, terrorists.

Capuano was sent to the Brewers prior to the 2004 season in a trade that officially made Richie Sexson the tallest point in the United States west of the Mississippi. Remember how terrible it was to have to look at Richie Sexson for all those years? Imagine he were the only thing taller than a stucco ranch house for two thousand miles in every direction. But this isn’t about Richie Sexson. Yet.

Capuano’s trade to the NL Central was good for him and bad for the Cubs. In Capuano’s career against the Cubs, he has won 8 of his 11 starts, has fanned nearly 7 batters per 9 innings, and has struck out 55 Cubs against 18 walks.

Because of Ben Sheets’ fondness for blister-causing masturbation, Capuano emerged as the Brewers’ ace. He was an All-Star in 2006. An ALL-STAR! And then, because the only good things that are allowed in Wisconsin are pornography stores and squeaky cheese curds, his elbow exploded, and he needed Tommy John surgery. Way to go, cosmic balance. Capuano didn’t pitch in 2008 or 2009, but was back with the Brewers during the 2010 season. You probably didn’t miss him, because you thought he was Dave Bush.

Why You Should Hate Him: The entire 2006 season. Now, the 2006 Cubs were as terrible as dressing up your baby as Hitler for Halloween, but they were an extra-special kind of awful against Capuano. Capuano had three starts against the Cubs. The first one was a nine-inning, five-hit shutout, as the Cubs were blown out 9-0 at Wrigley Field. In only 91 pitches (God damn you, Dusty Baker), Capuano struck out six Cubs and walked not a one of them. I know you’re shocked to learn that Juan Pierre didn’t draw a walk. HIS FIRST-PITCH FAKE BUNT EVERY GODDAMN AT-BAT WAS SO DISTRACTING! Capuano’s next start against the Cubs that season was a clunker by comparison. He allowed 7 hits, struck out 4 Cubs and walked 2. But he pitched another 8 shutout innings at Wrigley Field to beat Greg Maddux and lower his season ERA against the Cubs to 0.00. Maddux had his shot at redemption two starts later, as the Cubs went up to Milwaukee to face Capuano and the Brewers yet again. It went poorly. Capuano threw another complete-game shutout, this one on only 97 pitches. He struck out another 6 Cubs and walked none of them (seriously, though, God damn you, Dusty Baker). Not Pierre. Not Neifi Perez. Not Angel Pagan. Not Matt Murton. Not Ronny Cedeno. Not Henry Blanco. Wow. That team was awful. Capuano finished the 2006 season just one inning shy of throwing three consecutive complete-game shutouts against the Cubs.

Did You Know? Capuano started the 2007 season 5-0, and then appeared in TWENTY-SIX CONSECUTIVE losing efforts, a streak which was finally snapped on July 3, 2010. And, yes, he DID face the Cubs during that period. Smart ass.