My husband cheered for Chris Carpenter the other day because he’s on his fantasy team, I really wanted to kick him in the nuts. It is never ok to root for the Cardinals, and anyone who picks them should look at what they’ve done and then punch themselves in the face.

PS – That said, anyone that picks the Cardinals in this poll should be blacklisted from this site and/or life in general.

Why I voted for the Cardinals, even though I hate them:

First, I want to point out that Tony La Russa is a steroid abusing drunken jackass. I hate him and the idea that he could be managing the team next year gives me nightmares. I have no idea how he’s gotten a decent team out of Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, Carpenter, Wainwright, and 21 replacement level players. (Hint: it’s steroids.) Every time Matt Holliday screws up a catch, I laugh a bit inside. Every time a Cardinal is arrested for a DUI, I rejoice. I hate that team and want them to lose every year.

THAT BEING SAID… I hate Joey Fucking Votto. That little prick isn’t gonna shake Marlon’s hand for getting a victory? Really, you little asshole? I didn’t realize that your first year as an all star allows you the ability to be a giant flaming jackass. And oh, I didn’t realize that you were guaranteed to be there every year, what with your great first base talent. It’s not like I can think of at least 3 other 1st basemen in the NL i’d rather have (Pujols, Gonzalez, Fielder who yes is a reach but I’ll put my issues with that fat loser aside to hate Votto). Furthermore, SI this week had some article that called Joey Votto a nice guy. Not in my mind. I don’t care what has happened, he’s a prick and always will be a prick.

Furthermore, I read Joe Posnanski’s book The Machine. Great book, even though I hate the team. You know what it taught me? That the Reds of Pete Rose’s time were a bunch of assholes. And you know who chief of those assholes was? Joe Morgan. JOE. FUCKING. MORGAN. The man who I’m relatively sure was hit in the head by about 4000 baseballs in his career. The man who believes in grit and hustle and thousands of other meaningless bullshit statistics. The stat nerd in me demands that Joe Morgan be fired for being a terrible announcer and baseball man.

And let’s not forget Dusty. Let us never forget Dusty and everything he ever did. Tony La Russa ruined the game, yes. But Dusty ruined my life.

So what it all comes down to is that the Cardinals haven’t ruined my life as much as the Reds have. Is it petty? Yes. Have I given up the NL this year to root for the Twins or the Rays? Yes. Will I boo Joey Votto every game every year from now until he retires, when I will go to different signings he has and boo him mercilessly there until he breaks down crying? You better believe it. Go Rays.

As much as their currentmanager turned the Cubs from possible pennant contenders to a damned disgrace…and as much as Joey Votto is a total asshole…and as much as this team will be dogmeat in the NL playoffs…I would rather see the Reds win the NL Central and hope that the Cards miss the wild card by one game.

@EnricoPallazzo – I agree, but while Dusty and the Franchesters are riding the hatewagon, Tony LaRussa and Jack Buck’s hydroencephalitic offspring are steering that bitch down the highway to the seventh level of hell.

@Starlin Castrated – Very well put. Almost convincing. But sorry, I’m all about hating the redbirds. Here’s the thing: I’ve been hating the Cardinals ever since Whitey Herzog, Jack Clark and Willie “E.T.” McGee. I’ve hated the Cardinals since Frank DiPino beaned Mark Grace. I’ve hated the Cardinals since Ozzie Smith backflipped his way into being one of the least-deserving HOF’ers of all time. Like I said, I’ve hated the Reds, sure, just like I’ve hated any other 1980′s NL East team. But I have a special place in the black recesses of my withered heart for the Cardinals and the Mets.

Also, I’m rooting for the Twins or the Rangers. I hate pretty much all of the East Coast teams, NL and AL. The Indians are my AL team (consequences of them being awesome in the 90′s when I was most into baseball), but really any AL Central team would be fine. Plus, I was a huge Nolan Ryan fan as a kid, so I wouldn’t mind seeing the Rangers do well.

Hating the Reds is like liking the Replacements up to and including Tim. You should, you really should, but I could see how you would be indifferent. Although you really have to hate Votto and love “Color Me Impressed.”

Hating the Cardinals is like liking the Who up to and including Who’s Next. What are you, asleep?!?

I’ve gotta go with the Red’s, if for no other reason than sympathy for the fan-base. We all see the coming implosion in a year or so. Their fans can at least have the satisfaction of making the playoffs for a year after being bottom-dwellers for so long. It’s not gonna make up for the agony they’ll suffer when they hold the funeral service for Aroldis Chapman’s shoulder ligaments, but it’s something at least.