We’ve always had our fun with Ron Santo at HJE. Or, actually, we’ve always been infuriated with the Cubs’ bumbling radio color commentator. So it only makes sense to put the second-most-annoying Cubs mascot named Ron in a series of conversations with me. Our first conversation takes place at the grocery store.

ME: Great idea to come to the grocery store to pick up snacks for the game, Ron.

RON: Well, you know, you’re usually the brains, big boy.

ME: Thanks! I see there are some assorted candies in that bag you have there. Why don’t you tell us a little about them.

RON: Well, I’ve got good command of this bag. It has a great Kit Kat, a good, good Hershey bar, an Almond Joy, a Mounds, a Butterfinger, some Jelly Bellies, some saltwater taffy, a handful of cotton candy that I found in my toupee, and a shot of peppermint Schnapps.

ME: Thanks, Ronny.

RON: Let’s go get ’em.

ME: Get what?

RON: Peanuts.

ME: I don’t know how to break this to you, Ron ,but it looks like they’re out of peanuts.

RON: Gee WHIZ!!!

ME: We could just get some sunflower seeds or something, instead.

RON: Gosh!!!

ME: You don’t like sunflower seeds?

RON: I don’t understand how this always happens to us!

ME: We could always get peanuts at the park.

RON: It’s like- I just don’t. Understand. It.

ME: Or we could skip the peanuts entirely.

RON: Every time! We just can’t get the job done!

ME: There are a bunch of other options we can-

RON: Noooooooooo!!!

ME: Why don’t we just get what we have and get to the game?

RON: Sounds good, partner.

Ron and I head to the register. The checkout girl rings us up, and I swipe my credit card.

ME: Thank you.

RON: What- What just happened there?

ME: Well, Ronny, the checkout girl scanned our items and came up with a total amount of money we owe for all of them.

RON: Okay, I had that as a checkout man, and I had them owing us money.

ME: You might have gotten a bit turned around there.

RON: And then what happened?

ME: Well, I swiped my credit card, so Mastercard pays the store immediately, and I promise to pay them back.

RON: Would you look at that? And for that transaction, Mastercard is going to donate $100 to Ron Santo’s walk for the cure in support of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. And we thank Mastercard for that donation.

ME: I’m actually not sure that they are-

RON: I got a fax here from Kitty Ryan of Forest Park that says, “Ron, I want to feel my bare flesh press up against yours.”

ME: Where did you even get that fax? And I’m not completely comfortable-

RON: Okay, partner. Good luck singing.

ME: What are you talking-

RON: To my Chevy!

ME: I still don’t understand how you can even drive.