You’re so predictable, Cubs fans. More predictable than the Cubs losing the first two games of every single series. More predictable than Randy Wells getting lit up in the first inning. More predictable than Ryan Theriot swinging at a first pitch. The five people who are still watching Cub baseball all wrote in to the Muskbox this week. And you reap the benefits.
Lou Piniella said Tyler Colvin would get more playing time but it looks like he’s taking over Kosuke Fukudome’s spot out there. What I think is happening is the Cubs are ready to trade Fukudome along with Derrek Lee, Ted Lilly and maybe some veterans in the bullpen and possibly Xavier Nady. What’s your take on that?
– Josiah K., Clarksville, Ind.
My take is that Jim Hendry would trade his soul for a package of Double Stuff Oreos. NO ONE IS SAFE.
CARRIE: The Cubs feel they are still within striking distance in the very winnable National League Central.
I take it back. Jim Hendry would trade his soul for a bag of magic beans.
CARRIE: The Trade Deadline, as you know, is July 31.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not make any assumptions about what the average Cubs fan does or does not know. Or at least let’s start on a more elementary level:
- You’re standing, as you know, in a puddle of your own urine.
- Red crayons, as you know, do NOT taste like cherries.
- The cow, as you know, goes “MOO!”
CARRIE: The Cubs do want to give Colvin more playing time but one of the reasons Fukudome was sitting this past week was because his Japanese hitting coach was in town.
Not hitting, as you know, is the best way of learning how to hit.
CARRIE: Kyosuke Sasaki, Fukudome’s coach, said his star pupil was having a little trouble with his timing but still believes he can hit .300 this year.
Japan uses the metric system, right?
CARRIE: Sasaki told Fukudome to show the Cubs what he can do, and was encouraged when…
…Kosuke reached over 100 RPMs after a swinging third strike.
CARRIE: …he delivered the game-winning RBI single on June 17 against Oakland in a 3-2 Chicago win.
If only his other 23 RBIs had been so EXCITING!
CARRIE: It will be tricky to move Fukudome because he has a limited no-trade clause; there are 15 teams on his no-trade list.
Fortunately, if there’s one country that knows about trickery, it’s Japan!
CARRIE: He’s also owed slightly less than $8 million for the rest of this season and $13.5 million for 2011, which will limit teams’ interest unless the Cubs are willing to pick up part of his salary. If the Cubs could find a taker, and maybe add to the bullpen, it would ease the logjam of outfielders.
There’s only one way to ease a logjam, and it involves Karl Hungus.
CARRIE: As for Lee and Lilly, Lee has a full no-trade clause.
“As for these two guys, here’s a fact exclusive to only one of them!”
CARRIE: It’s tough to replace a three-time Gold Glove winner. Lilly has a limited no-trade clause, like Fukudome. Again, it depends on how the team does in the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
I will stay as tuned as I have all year.
Randy Wells doesn’t seem to be the only pitcher this year with first-inning problems. How many runs have our pitchers given up in the first inning?
ALL OF THEM.
What is the first-inning ERA? Any explanations for the poor starts?
– Denise Z., Chicago
RICKETTS: Let’s go with…not enough night games. That’ll hold these idiots off for another few decades.
CARRIE: Wells does have the most trouble in the first, giving up 15 runs in his 14 starts for a 10.38 ERA. Carlos Zambrano has served up nine runs over eight innings, and six of those came in Opening Day start against the Braves. That’s a 10.13 ERA. Ryan Dempster has given up nine runs in the first in his 14 starts (5.79 ERA). Lilly has been charged with five in 11 starts (4.09 ERA), and four of those came Saturday against the Angels. Carlos Silva has allowed only two in 13 starts (1.38 ERA). The Cubs have given up 50 runs in the first inning (they’ve served up 56 in the seventh) for a 6.52 ERA. Why? Every situation is different.
That’s pretty vague.
CARRIE: I know that’s vague.
Oh, okay. As long as you know.
CARRIE: Hitters knew they needed to get Greg Maddux early because he gets into a rhythm and could be unhittable.
Allow me to escort you to your seat on this Train of Logic. Greg Maddux was once a Cub starting pitcher. Greg Maddux was generally more hittable in the first inning than in later innings, when he would “settle in.” The Cubs have starting pitchers who are currently Cubs. All Cubs pitchers are Greg Maddux. All Cub pitchers necessarily need time to settle in.
CARRIE: Most pitchers are like that. Wells was better last Thursday against the Athletics. That’s a good start.
Not a good start: Wells last night against the Mariners.
This weekend during the Interleague games, I’m pretty sure I heard music being played prior to an at-bat.
“Then, I realized my wife had just turned on the microwave, causing me to smell sulfur and hear church bells. What was my question again?”
When did this start? When I go to Wrigley, I only want to hear these things: the stretch, an organ and “Go Cubs Go.”
“And Ron Santo losing his shit because someone didn’t swing at a 2-0 fastball. Or the occasional cacophony of a loud, wet fart. Or Ronnie Woo-Woo shouting ‘POP! WOO! CORN! WOO! I! WOO! JUST! WOO! GROPED! WOO! YOUR! WOO! WIFE’S! WOO! TITS! WOO!’ into my ear. Or the occasional racial slur. Or the sounds of drunken vomit softly splashing against the walls of a plastic-lined garbage can. THESE THINGS MATTER TO ME, BECAUSE I’M A CUBS FAN, AND I’M DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TEAMS’ FANS!”
I guess I can be OK with this if the Cubs players want the music but it seems so overdone like other stadiums. It just isn’t Cubs baseball.
– John K., Monmouth, Ill.
Cubs baseball is about three things: losing, drunkenness, and shame.
CARRIE: It started during the Cubs-White Sox Interleague series. The players were asked what intro music they wanted for their at-bats. Somehow, Ryan Theriot and Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” seeems odd, but that was his pick. The players say it gets them pumped up.
Home record since the White Sox series: 4-5. PUMP UP THE JAM!
It seems like every game, Marlon Byrd makes a superb play in center field. Kudos to Marlon and keep it up.
See? Cubs fans aren’t racist! We give “propers” to our “homies” who make “phat” grabs in “centre.”
My question is who was the last Cubs outfielder to win a Gold Glove? I believe it was Andre Dawson in the late 1980s. What are Marlon’s fielding stats for the year compared to the rest of the National League outfielders?
– Richard T., Amherst, N.Y.
Corey Patterson won ten of them, according to NSBB.
CARRIE: Dawson was the last Cubs outfielder to win a Gold Glove, doing so in 1988. He also won in 1987. The only other Cubs outfielder to win one was Bobby Dernier in 1984.
Holy shit. There have been 156 NL Gold Gloves given to outfielders since 1957, the first year of the award. The Cubs have TWO of them, or 1.3% of the awards ever handed out. Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente have won nearly 15% of them just between the two of them.
This franchise sucks.
CARRIE: As for Byrd’s fielding stats, he has made one error in 175 total chances and has two assists for a .994 percentage. Five-time Gold Glove center fielder Shane Victorino has the same fielding percentage (.994) with one error in 167 chances. Wrigley Field is a tight outfield, and you’re not going to see Byrd leaping against the ivy-covered brick to make a catch the way Victorino might in Philadelphia.
THAT’S BECAUSE VICTORINO CARES MORE! THAT’S WHY THE PHILLIES ARE WINNERS AND THE CUBS ARE A BUNCH OF LOSERS!
/meatball fan
CARRIE: That will limit the number of times he’s on ESPN’s Web Gems.
Fortunately, he can still make their rockin’ “Week in Review” montage, their “20 Greatest Catches by a Player Named After an Animal” special, or their, “What the Hell is the World Cup? Things that Aren’t Soccer” three-hour nightly show.
CARRIE: But the Cubs center fielder deserves the kudos — he does cover a lot of ground.
So do weeds.
Recently, Steven Strasburg struck out 32 batters in three consecutive starts for a record starting a career. In 1998, rookie Kerry Wood struck out 33 in two straight starts. That made me wonder, what is the all-time record for most strikeouts in two consecutive starts, and not just for rookies but for all pitchers. I tried to look it up but couldn’t find any more than 33. Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson didn’t do it after their 20-strikeout games. I imagined it would be difficult without a large number like 19 or 20 Ks in at least one of the games.
– Jason P., Lafayette, Ind.
Oh, Jason P., you’re such a stupid assh- Wait, that’s a good question. And you actually tried to research it. Are you sure you wrote to the write e-mail address?
CARRIE: Wood holds the mark. He fanned 20 Astros on May 6, 1998, at Wrigley Field, which tied a Major League record for most K’s in a nine-inning game.
In a nine-inning NO HITTER. Rot in hell, Kevin Orie.
CARRIE: In his next start, May 11 at Arizona, Wood struck out 13 in a 4-2 Cubs win.
And in the start after that, his arm hacked itself off with a dull pocket knife out of self-preservation just like that guy who cut off his own leg because it was pinned under a boulder.
CARRIE: The old mark was 32 shared by four pitchers: Luis Tiant in 1968; Nolan Ryan in 1974; Dwight Gooden in 1984; and Randy Johnson in 1997.
I’d take Wood over any of those guys. USA! USA! USA!
Damn it. This constant obsession with adding to the bullpen. Unless they’re getting Drew Storen in return, don’t even bother unless prospects are coming over. Relief pitchers aren’t prospects.
For accuracy in amputated appendages, wasn’t it his arm that he cut off?
@cactusmcharris – Under a tree, then.
“Well I guess I’m OK with this franchise not boring the eternal crap out of me. They could play songs and stuff, I guess. Whatever, I’m gonna go read Will Leitch and pretend he’s right. His strained metaphors about a team he hates really relate to me as a fan.”
And I’m calling bullcrap on that whole “I only have ever heard organ music at wrigley” bull crap as I definitely remember going to games in the past several years and they had songs playing in the middle of and between innings. They weren’t many good songs, mind you (I definitely remember hearing “Jump” get cut midway through while some Police song got played twice. I want to say it was Synchronicity, but I can’t begin to care.)
Also, if wikipedia is to be believed (and it is) I hate Ryan Theriot all the more for Push It. He claims to be a hip-hop fan and he chooses Push It? When he could have instead chosen Biz Markie (I would be overjoyed if he busted out “Just a Friend”), LL Cool J, Run DMC, Public Enemy, or any legit hip-hop group that might amp up your energy before an at bat?
When he says he’s a hip-hop fan, he clearly means Salt-N-Pepa, Flava Flav, the Fresh Prince, and Vanilla Ice. And we’re stuck with him to play second base. Hooray for everything forever!
Hi.
@Starlin Castrated –
Wikipedia is to be believed? You mean the same Wikipedia article that, among other gems, tells us that “Theriot has a widely known reputation for his relentless hustle … running out infield ground balls with seldom shown fervor, and often running down pop ups and shallow fly balls in left field,” informs us that Theriot and Fontenot “are sometimes called the ‘Cajun Connection’, ‘Bayou Boys’, or ‘Bayou Basher’ by Cubs’ announcers,” and draws the dubious conclusion that Theriot “likes to inside-out pitches. That is why he had a .300 average in 2008.”?
@psychoch – Well, I have to assume that most of that crap was written by the 12 year old girls who admire him and write him fan letters. Which means he told someone that he was a hip-hop fan. I fully admit that all the rest of that stuff is written to make us like Theriot (which I refuse to do. F him in his f-ing face.) but I’m guessing that the hip-hop thing isn’t a lie.
Besides, it gives me a reason to hate him for not being a true hip-hop fan. Adding onto the pile of them.
So I was going to say that the Cubs should not play any songs newer than the year they won their last championship. So I looked up songs that were written in 1908, and lo and behold, wikipedia states that “take me out to the ballgame” was written in 1908. All this time Harry (and now ass clowns like Joe Mantegna and William Petersen) was/are sending a message to the players via lyrical verse that this shit is growing old.
My friend and I spent some time trying to figure out what songs EXACTLY they were playing before the Cubs hitters came to bat at Wrigley. They were all sort of merging together into a thumping mush. I think I picked out In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, Love Will Keep Us Together, Surfing Byrd, Does Anybody Know What Time It Is, and that lousy song Eddie Vedder wrote during the Cubs last playoff “run.”
The songs bite the royal root. Bring back the organ. I mean, I’m a Stalinist when it comes to Wrigley Field, it must be kept in its pristine state of Social Realism. Those who want to see “progress” (more night games, a Jumbotron, a Chicago Pizza race of overstuffed mascots, ad nauseum) are blind to the writing on the ivy covered walls: Ricketts wants to cheapen the traditional experience while raising ticket prices. Pretty soon, we’ll have Sarah Palin singing Take Me Out, the way things are going.
Thinking only in crass business terms, meaning putting aside the merits of tradition and hallowed ivy-covered walls, I have never understood the rush of the past several ownership groups to change the “Wrigley experience” into something other than what it was. It seems to me that many of the changes over the past 20 years or so have made Wrigley less unique than it was. But by making it less unique, haven’t they damaged what was a huge marketing advantage? Between Wrigley becoming more modern, and new ballparks becoming more retro, there’s not as much difference in seeing a game at Wrigley and anywhere else as there used to be. I just wonder at what point grabbing the extra revenue from signage, etc., will be defeated by the inability to use your quaint old ballpark in the sun as a selling point any longer.
The word “centre” is African American slang?
@E – Sometimes, I try to make jokes.