I think I’m having a Cub mid-life crisis. I had no idea who the Cubs were playing last night until I logged on to MLB At-Bat to watch highlights from Stephen Strasburg’s debut. I wasn’t surprised to learn that the Cubs had suffered another one-run loss to another terrible team. I can’t remember the last time I heard Len and Bob announce a game. Last night, I flipped on the TV to catch a score, but I had two recordings going at the same time, so I couldn’t change the channel. Instead of simply moving to another TV, I watched Real Genius instead (I didn’t finish, and I’ve never seen it before, so don’t tell me if Iceman successfully stops those evil science guys from building their laser.). So far this season, unless I’ve physically gone to the game or have been driving somewhere and put the game on the radio, I have had no interest in following this train wreck, and here are some of the reasons why:

  1. Starlin Castro. The kid could be a star in the making, but after his hot initial callup, he’s been Therible. In the last 28 days, he’s hitting .259 with a .304 OBP and a .306 SLG. If I wanted to watch someone slug .306, I’d watch Ryan Theriot hit. And, speaking of which…
  2. Ryan Theriot. I still hate him. If you thought Castro’s .610 OPS in the last 28 days was bad, behold Theriot’s .441 OPS over that time period. He’s batting .190 with a .238 OBP and an incredible .203 SLG.
  3. Aramis Ramirez. Hey, the Cubs may or may not have finally realized that Aramis is in pain, and that Major League Baseball has this “list” for “disabled” players. No, not the kind of “disabled” that Theriot is. For physically disabled players. I was foolishly clinging to the hope that Aramis would heat up as the weather did. He’s not. I’m a fool.
  4. Derrek Lee. I wish he’d hit someone. Hit something. Throw a pie. Start nailing hefty Trixies. Do SOMETHING that makes me have any interest in him as a baseball player. I’ve always liked Lee, but I couldn’t care less if he gets traded to the Angels. If he does, I think it would be absolutely hilarious if Lou tried to move Alfonso Soriano to first base.
  5. Kosuke Fukudome. It’s the same goddamn disappearing act EVERY YEAR. The one bright spot on this roster has been the consistent play of Tyler Colvin. Just realize that Fukudome is bad money, and give the at-bats to Colvin and Xavier Nady.
  6. Mike Fontenot. Eh. I’d rather see him at second than Theriot, but he’s not very good.
  7. Jeff Baker. The most interesting thing he’s done all year was light his ass hair on fire. Thanks for the memories!
  8. Randy Wells. Two of his last three starts were disasters, and he has a 10.64 ERA in the first inning this year. Lou might as well have Carlos Marmol pitch the first, and have Wells pitch the final eight.
  9. Carlos Silva. God dammit, how is HE the team MVP so far?
  10. Ted Lilly. There are three unavoidable truths to this 2010 season. (1) Ted Lilly will give you a solid effort nearly every time he pitches. (2) Ted Lilly will lose nearly every time he pitches. (3) Ted Lilly will go on a murderous rampage before this season is done. If Silva weren’t 8-0, Lilly would clearly be the team MVP.
  11. Carlos Zambrano. Was I the only Cubs fan who didn’t even bother watching his entire triumphant return to the mound? I think I tuned in for a few innings and was done with it. It was idiotic to put him in the bullpen, and it got corrected. There’s no need to hang bunting around the field and wave palm leaves at him.
  12. Carlos Marmol. No, Carlos, it’s the CUBS who get walk-off hits against the BREWERS. Also, give Ted Lilly a wide berth.
  13. John Grabow.




  14. James Russell/Justin Berg/Jeff Gray/Jeff Stevens. Fuck these guys for having similar first names. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be pissed that they’re coming out of the bullpen or if I should be happy. I don’t know which of them are in Chicago, and which of them are in Iowa. Thank God Jeff Samardzija didn’t stick.
  15. Sean Marshall. I wish the best for SeanBearPig: a trade to the Tampa Bay Rays.
  16. The Pittsburgh Pirates. Seriously?
  17. Lou Piniella. I’m not going to bash Lou, because I don’t know what else he can do. He tried juggling the lineup (though not as drastically as I would have liked). He tried moving the Opening Day starter to the bullpen. He tried not washing his favorite pair of underwear during their SIZZLING HOT, season-long, four-game winning streak. Every time I think Lou makes a bonehead decision, in the postgame he at least has a reason for it. He’s certainly not the doddering old man that some people are making him out to be. He still has a sharp baseball mind, but he’s using it to manage a bad baseball team. It’s no fun watching a great manager possibly end his career like this.

I’m trying to force myself to enjoy baseball again, but to tell you the truth, this team has been so joyless to watch, I couldn’t even stomach watching the live broadcast of Strasburg’s debut. Have they ruined baseball for me altogether?