Hire Jim Essian

Well he pitches 'round the world, and he acts like a vagina. He gets pissed off at his teammates when they don't drop to their knees. He vanished from the team after acting like a whiner. Tell me where in the world is Carlos A. Zambrano? Drill Jim Edmonds in his anus, make Michael Barrett cry Uncle, From St. Louis to Cincy, they're laughing their ... Read More

Here's the part where I point out that Carlos Zambrano is a very good pitcher. And now here is the part where I point out that he's a fucking psychopath and I'm sick of his bullshit. In case you missed it today (and, if you have any common sense whatsoever, you're not watching this game), Carlos went off ... Read More

Happy Crosstown "Rivalry" weekend, everyone! It's a battle for the ages as we head to the bad side of the tracks to take on the suddenly-overachieving White Sox in what is sure to be the most exciting series since we did this series a couple of weeks ago. Your Roundup tips are the only things that make me ... Read More

You're so predictable, Cubs fans. More predictable than the Cubs losing the first two games of every single series. More predictable than Randy Wells getting lit up in the first inning. More predictable than Ryan Theriot swinging at a first pitch. The five people who are still watching Cub baseball all wrote in to the Muskbox ... Read More

I was only partially joking last week when I tweeted last week that Cubs fans would be up in arms about the replacement of Gary Pressy's organ with Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It." I wish I could tell you that Cubs fans surprised me and didn't bitch about the piped-in music. And I hope when I see the Pacific Ocean, ... Read More

Now that some of the Blackhawks hysteria has worn off, it's time to focus on America's pastime. THE WORLD CUP! Unless you'd rather be watching Ryan Theriot lead off, you should probably get on the soccer bandwagon. USA! USA! USA! Your blue-blooded American tips can be sent here. Some of those tips end ... Read More

I thought the Cubs had officially given up on non-ridiculous promotional giveaways when they gave out Mia Hamm jerseys or bobbleheads or ovaries, or whatever they gave out when Nomar Garciaparra was a Cub. But if you have the pleasure of going to today's game against the Oakland A's, you might be the recipient of this brilliant bobblehead doll ... Read More

What do you want to talk about from last night? The four errors? The wild pitch? The eight-games-under-.500 record? The fact that John Grabow actually made it through an entire inning without giving up a run? Wait a minute. When the hell did Grabow get back? Ah, screw it. At the risk ... Read More

When I was growing up watching Cubs games with Harry Caray and Steve Stone in the booth, I'm ashamed to admit that I honestly thought Stone was a baseball genius. It blew my mind that Stone could prognosticate which pitch would be thrown in a certain situation or whether or not a batter would try to steal a base. ... Read More

With the Crosstown Classic in full crappy swing, there are plenty of hateworthy Sox players in town. Which leads us to our Fukudome. VS. Ozzie Guillen A.J. Pierzynski ... Read More