Okay, sad sacks. Since I know you really only follow this team to complain about us, I have some bad news for you. We might not be as terrible as you think we are. Everyone was saying this stretch of games against the Phillies, Rangers, Dodgers, and Cardinals was going to kill us. We’re 5-3 so far, and lost two of those games by a total of two runs. You might very well have to watch us until September before we fall completely out of this thing. Deal with it. Your Roundup tips are clipped, groomed, and bathed before being presented to you in HD.

  • Bruce Miles says what we’re all thinking. Carlos Marmol is awesome, and Ryan Theriot sucks.
  • Baseball-Reference.com just keeps getting better.
  • Baseball teams used to write challenge letters to one another to schedule games. Here is one of them. I wrote one to LaRussa for this weekend’s series.
    Dear Boozy:
    Want to come get your asses beat at Wrigley? We have some sweet bars. You can even bring your behemoth hitting coach and your inbred pitching coach. Try not to kill any of your pitchers on the ride to the park.
    Love, Lou
  • Can you name the 10 highest-paid players in baseball? (HINT: We have one of them.)
  • Now that Lost is over, you’ll just have to be amazed by stuff like this. (HT: Daniel)
  • No one likes Ozzie Guillen, but sometimes his natural dickheadedness can be pretty hilarious. (HT: John)
  • Speaking of Ozzie, thanks a lot, Joe West. You made me agree with Hawk Harrelson.
  • Turn around, bright eyes.
  • Desperate nerd craves attention, punching.
  • Where is one of my game-worn jock straps on this list of 10 most wanted missing baseball treasures?
  • All of Bart Simpson’s blackboard messages. FINALLY in one place!
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: Jose Canseco’s Twitter feed continues to fascinate me. He’s still stirring up conspiracy theories about all the “haters” out there, but then he proceeded to Tweet eight times in a row about what a “crazy ass motherfucker” his DENTIST is. If there’s one professional I specifically DON’T want to be a crazy ass motherfucker, it’s my dentist. “Lou, instead of filling your cavity with my drill and my hands, instead I’m going to use my dick. Did I mention I’m going to do it blindfolded while standing in this live crocodile pen? Here, bite down on this live bullet to dull the pain. I’m going to take a few shots real quick to take the edge off, because I’m fucking CRAZY!”
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Secretly terrifying animals. You absolutely need to have speakers for the barn owl video.
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Things are Against Us. We’re DOOOOOMED! For an idea of what the blog is about, observe this montage of hilariously-clumsy As Seen on TV people.

That’s all she wrote for me. I have to get ready for two Cardinals games, one postponed game, and a memorial service. There’s nothing quite like having the Cardinals in town!
-Sweet Uncle Lou