The Muskbox has been a real moving target over the last few weeks. Maybe the grind of the season is too much to keep on a regular schedule. Maybe the Chicago Public Library is redoing the Dewey Decimal System. Maybe the spring “Schoolmarm’s Charms” catalog came out. I don’t know. But I do know that this team is not so good, and they are pretty much no fun to watch. So, I’m going to keep writing about them, but don’t expect me to know anything about what’s actually happening on the field, because I probably won’t have seen it. I’ll ask questions like, “How does Pie look in center field?” And, “I like Bellhorn’s patience, but wouldn’t you like to see him jump all over more first-pitch fastballs?” Or possibly, “Is Theriot dead yet?” Fortunately for me, there is one constant stream of timely Cub news that I can follow to really keep my finger on the pulse of Cub Nation. And that stream is the Muskbox.

Has Aramis Ramirez gone to Rudy Jaramillo for help on his hitting?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: No, not even a little bit.

I know he’s struggled, and my golfing buddies insist some veterans refuse a new hitting coach’s approach. What’s the situation here?
– Don D., Galena, Ill.

The situation is that you seem to think that anyone cares that you have golfing buddies. There’s a possibility that you are Don Draper, so let me follow that up with some probing questions.

1. Do you use pomade?
2. Do you take your hot, subservient wife for granted?
3. Do you have only two emotions: horny and squinty?
4. Are you reflexively storyboarding some ads for HJE?
5. Are you having sex with another man’s wife right now?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you are Don Draper.

CARRIE: Your buddies are partially right.

Be sure to tell them when you guys are playing grabass in the showers after your next 18.

CARRIE: Ramirez has not sought out Jaramillo, and neither has Derrek Lee. Both players feel they know their swings better than anybody else.

I don’t know. I’m getting pretty used to their swinging-and-missing. I see it in my nightmares, at this point.

CARRIE: “I am my own hitting coach,” Ramirez said. “I can listen to Rudy. I know what I have to do to be ready.”

Aramis should fire himself, then, because he’s doing a terrible job. I imagine the firing will look something like every scene from Fight Club.

CARRIE: They will listen, but whether they adopt any of his advice is a matter of trust.

Oh? How so?

CARRIE: Jaramillo is the new guy…

Okay, so not trust.

CARRIE: …has an impeccable track record…

Okay, so trust.

CARRIE: …and some different ideas.

Okay, so not trust? Heckuva journey on that sentence. Heckuva journey.

CARRIE: He’s trying to win them over. Some players are open to suggestions. So far, Jaramillo has helped Ryan Theriot (.329), Marlon Byrd (.341), Geovany Soto (.313) and Alfonso Soriano (.327).

If only they had a reliable first baseman and third baseman!

CARRIE: Jaramillo is constantly working with Kosuke Fukudome (.316) to keep communication going.

So far, he and Fukudome have only been able to communicate through food names and subtly arched eyebrows. But a look can speak volumes.

CARRIE: Mark DeRosa said Jaramillo saved his career (and don’t look at this year’s numbers…

…because it will make it MUCH harder to masturbate to your life-size DeRosa poster later tonight.

CARRIE: …since DeRosa is sidelined with a wrist problem). But if Ramirez and Lee, who are batting .159 and .229, respectively, feel they know their swings best, they won’t make any changes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

CARRIE: “I work with Rudy,” Lee said. “I still feel I’m my best hitting coach. I listen to how my body feels and I know what I need to do. Rudy’s there for support. I’ve had this swing for a long time. I know what gets me in trouble. I get in these funks sometimes, and I have to work my way out.”

It’s a good thing the Cubs paid Jaramillo a pantload of money to stand there and clap when Derrek is hitting well.

CARRIE: Right now, Jaramillo is trying to prove to both veterans he knows what he’s doing. Go back and look at those batting averages again. What would you do?

Count my money and laugh, probably.

On May 3, you said in respect to Starlin Castro, “Slow down, Castro is not coming up this week or next.” Castro was called up four days later. Do you have contacts within the organization to talk to or do you make assumptions on your own?
– Thomas M., Peoria, Ill.

BURN!!!

CARRIE: On May 3, I had confirmation from five highly placed Cubs officials who said they were going to wait with Castro.

Those officials?

1. Ronnie Woo-Woo
2. Crane Kenney
3. Ron Santo
4. This dude in the bleachers who seemed legit
5. Ed Hartig’s decaying corpse, which she has been driving back and forth to work so she can use the car pool lane

What do those people all have in common? They don’t know shit about the Cubs.

CARRIE: He’s young, they said…

…he needs the money!

CARRIE: …and needs more experience, especially on defense. They didn’t want to call him up too soon, because they wanted to make sure when Castro did arrive, he would succeed, not regress. The attitude changed after the Cubs were swept in Pittsburgh. I trust my sources, have talked to all of them since the Castro callup, and know some still have reservations about the move. The Cubs evidently have decided they’re willing to live with the growing pains.

Sure, his defense has been and he hasn’t driven in a run since his debut, but that .323/.417/.516 line should make everyone with reservations shut their yaps.

I get an eerie feeling when I think about Carlos Zambrano’s move to the bullpen.

IT’S LIKE MY GRAVE IS IN THE BULLPEN, AND CARLOS ZAMBRANO IS WALKING ALL OVER IT!

It reminds me of Kerry Wood’s move to prolong his career in the face of arm troubles. Can you promise me there’s nothing more behind Z’s early struggles and his stint in the bullpen than has been advertised?

It’s worse than arm problems. The decision-makers of this franchise are seriously this stupid.

It’d help me sleep better at night.
– Jason F., Chatham, Ill.

So would poison.

CARRIE: Relax.

Spit out your gum, use your indoor voices, and for God’s sake, NO RUNNING IN THE LIBRARY!

CARRIE: Zambrano was moved solely because the Cubs needed a reliable setup pitcher.

Also, stupidity.

CARRIE: Having Big Z and Carlos Marmol in the ‘pen has provided a pretty solid 1-2 punch.

Except for the part when Zambrano has been pretty terrible in the bullpen. Oh, I’m sorry. “‘Pen.”

CARRIE: Wood’s situation was different, because he was coming off surgery on his right shoulder and it was determined that he couldn’t go deep in games.

And, if you recall, there was an outcry even when Wood was moved to the bullpen, as many Cubs fans suggested that his best value was still as a starter. In conclusion, a month after the Zambrano move, it still looks batshit insane.

Why doesn’t Lou Piniella get angry once in awhile to fire up the troops?

Because they’re overseas. How would they even see it when Lou got mad? Oh, you mean the team? Well, you’re just ridiculous, then.

It seems as though he’s lost his zeal to beef with the umpires.

More like he lost his VEAL to BEEF with them, am I right?

The Cubbies need that once in a while, or Piniella to get on the players to get them fired up.
– Frank G., Niota, Ill.

I’d prefer if he just round up all the players, put them into a barn, and fire the barn.

CARRIE: Challenging umpires is different than getting on the players. Kicking dirt and screaming at an ump makes for good video clips and that’s it. Piniella hasn’t lost his desire to win. He’s also handled matters with players behind closed doors and away from the cameras.

By putting Zambrano in the bullpen and demoting Aramis for a day? Nice moves, Lou.

Whatever happened to B.J. Ryan, and how is he doing with the Cubs in the Minors? Has there been any talk of bringing him back to the Majors?
– Hani K., Hoffman Estates, Ill.

Yet another space for a legitimate question taken by the stupid.

CARRIE: Ryan was signed to a Minor League deal in 2009 and released. I’m running your question because it seems several others missed that transaction.

“Several others”? MULTIPLE PEOPLE were asking about B.J. Ryan? I hate this team.