Your crotch smells like burnt meat.

We Don’t Need No Water, Let the Second Baseman Burn 6

If you were wondering why Jeff Baker had several consecutive days off at the end of April and beginning of May, Son of Jim Essian Edelweiss may have discovered the answer.

By the way, there is a reason Baker has not been starting until today. I know someone in the Cubs organization, who informed me last week that Baker and two pitchers, one of them a starter, were lighting farts in the clubhouse, when something went awry, and Baker suffered second degree burns to his patoot. Even worse, a pitcher got a slight burn on his throwing hand. The hair on Bakers behind got singed, so he is now hairless there. In tonights game, he was lifted for a pinch hitter, something Lou never does. The reason—–the blisters on his bottom burst, causing so much water, that Theriot accused him of wetting his pants. He never came out of the clubhouse, so Lou was forced to put in Fontenot.

I have no reason not to believe this story, especially since Muskat was completely elusive when someone in the Muskbox specifically asked her where Baker had been.

CARRIE: You’re right, Baker hasn’t played since April 26. But he’ll probably start Tuesday night against Pirates lefty Paul Maholm.

I’m going to go ahead and believe this. So, what are the odds that the starting pitcher involved in this zaniness is Ryan Dempster. One hundred percent? TWO hundred percent? And what are the odds that Theriot pointed at the seat of Baker’s pants and yelled, “Wigwam, igloo, and a tee-pee, Baker’s wee-wee just went pee-pee!”

I’m sure glad this wacky bunch of screwballs is celebrating their run at another year of mediocrity like a bunch of college freshmen! Clown boy up!

  • Andy

    Did you ever hear the one about the Farns breaking his foot punting a baseball?

    I think lighting farts is like so-2002. I’ll bet Baker was out with a herpes flare-up.

  • Jim Nelson

    I thought Farns broke his foot kicking a trixie out of his bed when she wanted to stay and cuddle.

  • Edelweiss

    Ryan Dempster was not involved.

  • Pat

    I think the real story here is that someone actually noticed that Jeff Baker was missing.

  • sman

    Originally Posted By PatI think the real story here is that someone actually noticed that Jeff Baker was missing.

    Or that he was even here to begin with

  • JerBear50

    @Edelweiss – I’d have lost my house betting on that one.