I kid you not. The new Muskbox image was barely altered. Yes, there was a giant amount of white space where the HJE logo now sits. I like to imagine when Carrie saw it, she let out an exasperated sigh. Anyhow, I love it, I have adopted it, and I am embracing it. I completely missed the Muskbox last week. Unfortunately for you, this week’s Box is woefully short, and I dare not ignore the shrieking masses from last week regarding Carlos Zambrano’s move to the bullpen. So, you’re going to get a bloated double shot of Muskbox. We’ll begin our journey with last week’s enlightenment. Then, we shall put our heads down and plow on through this week’s Muskbox.

What are the Cubs thinking by sending Zambrano to the ‘pen? Why not sign a free agent like Jason Isringhausen or Braden Looper. They could sign both if they wanted to.

We’ll show them! We’ll sign a shitty reliever! We’ll sign all the shitty relievers in the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

I don’t see the logic in an $18 million setup man. Please, if there is any logic behind this move, could you inform the masses.
– Kevin B., Beecher, Ill.

Could you use a question mark at the end of your interrogatory statements? Or can you at least make your voice go up a little bit at the end of your questions, like ^this?

CARRIE: If you don’t factor in Zambrano’s salary and objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense.

If you read that quickly enough, it seems like it says if you don’t consider Zambrano’s salary and you don’t objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense. In the following circumstances, the move also makes sense.

• You learned the game of baseball under the watchful eye of Tony LaRussa.
• You lost to Ryan Theriot in a spelling contest.
• You’ve ever submitted a non-ironic question to the Muskbox.
• You haven’t been banned from Bleed Cubbie Blue.
• You’re reading this post in a polo and aviator sunglasses while drinking a PBR.

CARRIE: With Ted Lilly coming back, it looked like either Carlos Silva or Tom Gorzelanny was headed to the ‘pen to make room. But Silva battled shoulder problems last year in Seattle.

And you definitely want to rely on a guy coming off a year with shoulder problems to anchor your rotation. That’s why the Cubs steadfastly REFUSED to move Kerry Wood out of the starting rotation. They absolutely knew that his fragile arm could not handle the rigors of having to pitch on consecutive days out of the bullpen.

You know, it’s quite possible that the Cubs are totally full of shit and just make up stuff.

CARRIE: You need a durable setup pitcher. That’s Zambrano. Gorzelanny never pitched in relief until last season and it didn’t work well. He has to start.

“Tom, you sucked last year out of the bullpen in just over 38 innings pitched, so we have no choice but to try to pitch you 200 innings this year. Also, can you help me tighten the chin strap on my tin foil helmet?”

CARRIE: Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells have been terrific so far, and Lilly threw six shutout innings in his first start.

And got rocked his second start. If the Cubs hold true to their 2010 M.O., Lilly will get bumped from the rotation as soon as Jeff Samardzija is ready.

CARRIE: What the Cubs are thinking is they need help in the setup role, and if you take personalities and payroll out of the equation, Big Z makes the most sense.

Didn’t you just say this using a bunch of other words?

CARRIE: Plus, he was willing to do this. The momentum may have shifted in the National League Central on Saturday night when Zambrano began his new job as a setup pitcher.

I can all but guarantee that the 18-8 Cardinals are SHITTING THEIR PANTS WITH FEAR now that the Cubs are back to .500. Or maybe they’re shitting their pants with uproarious laughter that the Cubs moved one of the best starting pitchers in the division to a setup role. Who am I to ask these questions?

CARRIE: “The bottom line is that at this particular time, it makes us a better club,” general manager Jim Hendry said. “[Zambrano] didn’t throw poorly. [Silva and Gorzelanny], their arsenal isn’t conducive to going to the ‘pen. … There’s no agenda at all, except it was the best fit at the time. He’s capable of doing it.”

This answer is getting awfully long. It’s almost like the Cubs realized the move was idiotic but didn’t want to admit that they made a mistake, so they sent a messenger out, possibly to be shot.

CARRIE: Hendry looked for an experienced setup pitcher all offseason and couldn’t find a good match.

“Sorry, everyone! I honestly believed that Mariano Rivera might have been hiding at the bottom of this 60-pack of Munchkins. My bad!”

CARRIE: Isringhausen and Looper are both high risk because of their past injuries.

So was Chad Fox. The thing about high-risk guys like that is that you sign them, pitch them until their arms explode, and don’t really give a shit when they can’t lift their newborn daughter into her high chair to blow out the candles on her first birthday cake.

YOU FUCKING MONSTERS!!! YOU RUINED CHAD FOX’S LIFE!!!

CARRIE: If the Cubs made a mistake, it was…

1. …Brock-for-Broglio.
2. …moving Zambrano to the bullpen.
3. …trotting Mark Prior back out to the mound after he got his shoulder ripped off by Marcus Giles.
4. …hiring Chip Caray.
5. …Juan Pierre, Milton Bradley, Jacques Jones, Todd Hundley.

CARRIE: …counting on rookie Esmailin Caridad to be able to handle the setup role after his September outings.

That one isn’t even in the team picture for retarded mistakes the Cubs have made.

CARRIE: Caridad has the stuff, but he’s a rookie, and when he returns, he can be eased into appearances in less pressure situations.

Is there anyone on the pitching staff whose diapers don’t need to be changed every few hours by Lou?

CARRIE: Angel Guzman would have been great in the bullpen, but he couldn’t be counted on for the setup role because of his past history of shoulder and elbow problems.

Clearly, they should throw him in the starting rotation and demote Dempster to mop-up duty.

CARRIE: Zambrano has said he will do this until the Cubs find another setup pitcher. Nobody knows when that will be.

When- and who- that is, is hard to define.

CARRIE: “I don’t have a time frame,” Hendry said. “It makes us a better club right now. All the other guys are pitching great. A month from now, somebody may slip up or someone has an injury and things change.”

IS THIS ANSWER EVER GOING TO END?

CARRIE: Which means Zambrano could move back into the rotation. By that time, Caridad may be more effective. One thing is clear, salary was not a factor.

Other non-factors: statistics, past performance, loyalty, offensive production, badassery, and fear of a retaliatory ass kicking.

CARRIE: “You can’t worry about anybody’s individual salary,” Hendry said.

…as he signed John Grabow to a 5-year, $50M extension.

CARRIE: “Things change. People adjust. We’re going to have an injury or two along the way…

Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot.

CARRIE: “…and we’ll adjust to that. … Nobody ever breaks camp with the 25 in the same role and just run the table, win 100 and goes to the playoffs.

KERMIT: So, Jim. In your wildest fantasy, you only win 100 games and just MAKE IT to the playoffs?
JIM: Yeah, but you haven’t heard who we play in the playoffs!
KERMIT: Who?
JIM: The Mets!
KERMIT: How do you do?
JIM: We lose in Game Five on a walk-off suicide squeeze!
KERMIT: Sounds exciting. Also, I fucking hate you.

CARRIE: “To get hung up on what somebody makes or what they used to do or what’s going to happen a month from now or who you’re going to acquire, that’s foolish thinking.”

TRANSLATION: Please, Mr. Ricketts, don’t look at how much you’re paying me.

I’ve been a Sean Marshall fan since he became a member of the Cubs.

High five, brother.

Checking the stats from the April 11 game vs. the Reds, I noticed that Marshall pitched two-thirds of an inning, resulting in one hit, but no earned runs (continuing his scoreless streak). However, he was credited with a blown save. Is this accurate? How can someone not allow any runs and get charged with a blown save?
– Dan Y., Oklahoma City, Okla.

Even statisticians inexplicably hate SeanBearPig.

CARRIE: Marshall came into that game to relieve Gorzelanny with the Cubs ahead, 1-0, and the bases loaded. It was a save situation for the lefty, and he promptly allowed an RBI single to Miguel Cairo. Although the run isn’t charged to Marshall, a blown save is charged to the pitcher who is on the mound when the tying run scores.

SeanBearPig relieved Gorzelanny to pitch to Miguel Cairo? I’m going to check with Ed Hartig on this one, but is that the butt-ass ugliest sequence of baseball ever played?

What is the average WHIP in the National League or Major Leagues? What is considered good (like a 3.00 ERA or a .300 batting average)?
– Darrell C., Munster, Ind.

What would you say is a significant number?

CARRIE: First, let’s explain what WHIP is.

I am literally giddy with anticipation at the thought of Carrie explaining this.

CARRIE (rifling through baseball encyclopedia): It’s a sabermetric measurement for the number of baserunners a pitcher has allowed per inning pitched. To determine it, you add walks plus hits and divide that by innings pitched. It’s considered a more effective way to determine a pitcher’s effectiveness.

You okay so far? You want a little breather?

CARRIE: A WHIP of 1.00 or smaller over the course of the season will rank among the league leaders. The lowest single-season WHIP was set by Pedro Martinez in 2000, when he gave up 128 hits and 32 walks over 217 innings for a 0.7373 WHIP. In 2009, Arizona’s Dan Haren led the NL with a 1.00 WHIP, and Kansas City’s Zack Greinke was tops in the American League with a 1.07 WHIP.

“Oh, you asked about the average WHIP in the NL or the MLB? Is that a three-headed monkey behind you?”

CARRIE: Through Monday, Silva was leading the Cubs and the NL with a 0.77 WHIP. But it’s early.

Yes, not even Carrie thinks that Silva can keep this up. Somewhere, Carlos Zambrano is tattooing “LOVE” and “HATE” on his knuckles.

CARRIE: Ted Lilly is third among the Cubs and he’s only had one start. What’s encouraging is that Carlos Marmol has a 0.94 WHIP. Compare that with Jeff Samardzija, who…

…is terrible. Come to think of it, it makes no real sense to compare them at all.

CARRIE: …gave up five hits and six walks over 3 1/3 innings for a 3.30 WHIP. The last Cubs pitcher to lead the NL in WHIP in a season was Fergie Jenkins in 1970 at 1.04.

Has Hendry looked into signing him? Perhaps at the bottom of a jumbo tub of popcorn with extra nacho cheese powder?

How does the organization decide where to send players in the Minors? I see they sent Starlin Castro to Double-A Tennessee and Darwin Barney to Triple-A Iowa. Does this mean the front office feels Barney is more ready for the big leagues than Castro? It seems like they call up pitchers from Double-A and position players from Triple-A.
– Jerry A., Masonville, Iowa

Just admit that you’re really pissed off that Castro isn’t playing 2 hours and 45 minutes from your home in Iowa right now.

CARRIE: Barney was in Triple-A last year. He did nothing this spring to warrant a demotion, and in fact, impressed the Cubs with his defensive play. If they needed an infielder to sub at the big league level for a short-term callup, Barney could be the guy. As well as Castro has played — and he’s tearing it up at Tennessee, batting .361 — he only played 31 games there. It’s better for him to have success at Double-A and force the Cubs to move him up, rather than be assigned to Iowa at the start of the year, struggle and then be dropped from Triple-A to Double-A.

I think it would be better if he were starting at shortstop in Chicago, and Theriot was riding the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier.

CARRIE: And a note to Rebel Ridling fans:

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

CARRIE: He was slowed this spring because of health issues but joined Class A Daytona on Tuesday.

THANK GOD.

I would play Tyler Colvin almost every day.

“Because I think it’s a good idea to bench one of the three most productive hitters in the starting lineup in favor of Tyler Colvin.”

He’s a great defensive player, and the Cubs need defense when they’re not swinging the bats well. Good defense can inspire good offense.
– Jeff L., Kenosha, Wis.

You’re a dope.

CARRIE: Manager Lou Piniella is trying to get Colvin in the lineup as often as he can through his outfield rotation, and it seems to be working. The Cubs have liked what they’ve seen of Colvin’s glove and bat.

Wilson and Louisville Slugger, if you’re wondering. Sleek lines. Smell like leather and pine tar, respectively.

CARRIE: He nearly hit for the cycle Sunday, and then tripled off a left-hander on Monday.

Why in the world was he facing John Grabow?

Is Rudy Jaramillo’s hitting program something that could be implemented organization-wise? Has there been talk of doing such? I’m wondering if his approach could be taught to other coaches.
– Matt W., Atlanta, Texas

I agree. Jaramillo came from Texas with hardly a blemish on his record. I really think the Cubs should get more proactiv in instituting his teachings. I don’t want to pimple Gerald Perry too much, but it really feels like the Cubs have been swinging the bats a lot more clean and clear this season. They’ve taken a lot of stride-ex at the plate. It’s clearasil that this neutrogena approach is working. Just oxy anyone involved with the team.

CARRIE: Actually, one of the first things Jaramillo did at the Cubs’ organizational meetings in November was talk to the Minor League hitting coaches about that. All players in the Cubs system are following Jaramillo’s program.

The Rudy Jaramillo Hitting Program:

1. Get traded to Texas.
2. Inject yourself with horse steroids.
3. ???
4. Profit!

And now, on to this week’s Muskbox.

Everyone is talking about how Theriot is going to move to second when Castro comes up. No one seems to mention how Fontenot is going to lose his job.

Mostly because all of those people are busily following the career of Rebel Ridling.

I highly doubt the Cubs can keep Jeff Baker and Fontenot and Theriot all playing second…

If they did, they might have the equivalent of ONE good defensive second baseman.

…so someone has to go. Anyways, Fontenot has been playing well and should keep getting at-bats.
– Michael D., Des Plaines, Ill.

He has three extra-base hits. All doubles. He’s slugging .348. Face it. The fact that he can legally be carried on for free to a United Airlines flight finally caught up to him.

CARRIE: Slow down.

“Tell me how you’ve been a naughty boy, and how you don’t return your overdue library books on time!”

CARRIE: Castro is not coming up this week or next. He may not get a call until September when rosters expand. The highly-touted shortstop is batting .354 at Double-A Tennessee but still has a lot of baseball to learn.

You only get 27 outs. Try not to make any of them. There you go. Get his ass up here.

CARRIE: He turned 20 in March. He has the physical talent and now it’s a matter of developing baseball smarts. When the Cubs call him up, they don’t want him wearing uniform No. 67 but a number better suited for a regular.

Only this organization is so idiotic that they care what uniform number their number one prospect is going to wear in the even that he actually makes it to the big leagues.

CARRIE: As for Theriot, he’s well aware of Castro’s presence and has been since before Spring Training started.

Is he aware that there’s going to be a Transformers THREE???

CARRIE: GM Jim Hendry has talked to Theriot about the possibility of moving to second.

Theriot held up four fingers and said, “THAT’S THIS MANY!”

CARRIE: Where does that leave Fontenot and Baker?

The bench, thank God.

CARRIE: That will depend on who’s hot. Baker can sub at third. Maybe one of the infielders is moved in a trade. But all of that is a long way from happening. Keep in mind, if Theriot is hurt and expected to miss 15 days, you’d probably see Darwin Barney called up from Triple-A Iowa and not Castro.

You’d also see me, covered in brake fluid and running away from Theriot’s car.

Where is Baker? We haven’t seen him since April 26. He doesn’t have the highest batting average but he gets the bat on the ball and is a power hitter.
– J.G., Washington, D.C.

“He’s not the smartest guy, but as far as I know he’s never shat himself. At least not in public.”
“She’s not the prettiest girl, but you can definitely tell she’s a girl when she shaves her face.”
“He’s not the greatest GM, but he’s never traded for Juan Pierre- Oh, God, he did WHAT?”

CARRIE: You’re right, Baker hasn’t played since April 26.

So far, you’re the first person who’s noticed. And that’s INCLUDING Jeff Baker.

CARRIE: But he’ll probably start Tuesday night against Pirates lefty Paul Maholm.

Darla, cancel my evening plans! Jeff Baker is starting tonight!

(realizes he doesn’t have evening plans)

(realizes he doesn’t have a secretary)

(realizes he doesn’t even know a “Darla”)

(cries)

CARRIE: He’s hitting .214 overall and .320 (8-for-25) against left-handers so far. Power? He has two home runs. Fontenot may not have any but he’s hitting .303 overall and .306 against right-handers. It’s been a good platoon so far and no dropoff defensively.

Never mind the fact that Baker is slugging 80 points higher than Fontenot. Or that Fontenot only has one more extra-base hit than Baker has home runs. Fontenot helped Frodo get all the way to Mount Doom, so he should start.

Do you think the recent actions and inactions by the Arizona legislature will make Florida more likely a reality? Truthfully, I had hoped the Cubs would remain in Arizona, but in light of recent events, I have my doubts.
– Jonathan M., Cary, N.C.

Politics in the Muskbox?

RIDICULOUSNESS WARNING LEVEL: BRIGHT RED

CARRIE: What happened is the Arizona legislature adjourned without passing legislation the Cubs need to keep their Spring Training site in Mesa, Ariz. However, that doesn’t mean the Cubs are headed to Florida. The Arizona lawmakers could still call a special session to resolve the matter. The Cubs and Mesa officials signed a memorandum of understanding (MOU) in late January that provides exclusive negotiation between the team and the city. One of the conditions of the MOU was that the legislature determine some kind of funding by July 12, 2010. Major League Baseball has stepped in to help figure out a way to finance the Cubs’ project without overtaxing other Cactus League teams. It’s May 3. There’s time.

Am I the only one who assumed that this question was at least partially about the immigration bill? You know, what with it being a current event which everyone is talking about?

Where is Esmailin Caridad? I thought he was going to be activated right after the 15 days?
– Ryan G., Ashland, Ohio

If there’s one thing this bullpen needs, it’s his steady 13.50 ERA.

CARRIE: When a player goes on the 15-day disabled list, it doesn’t mean they are automatically activated after that time span.

You see, Ryan, when a player and the disabled list love each other very much, they do a special kind of hugging. And then the disabled list’s tummy gets really big, and nine months later, Mark Prior pops out.

CARRIE: Caridad pitched one inning on Saturday in Mesa, and will join Triple-A Iowa this week to test his arm in games. He was placed on the DL, retroactive to April 12, with a strained forearm. If all goes well, he could join the Cubs by the end of this week.

At which point, Ryan Dempster will be sent to the bullpen.

If the situation presented itself, would manager Lou Piniella bring in Carlos Zambrano to relieve Carlos Silva and then have Carlos Marmol close? Seeing as how my name is Carlos, it was one of the first things I thought of when I heard Big Z was going to the ‘pen.

I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and pray that the very first thing was, “Why the fuck do I root for this franchise?” Followed by, “I would really like to hit Jim Hendry in the temple with a tire iron.” Then, possibly, “I wonder how much brimstone-rimmed, thorned dick Carlos Silva had to suck to stay in the rotation.”

And then the Carlos thing.

Has anything like that ever happened before where a starter, reliever and closer for a team all pitch in the same game and all have the same first name? I know it’s lame, but I’m curious.
– Carlos L., New Albany, Ind.

I’m glad I made the assumption I did. At least he knows it’s lame.

CARRIE: It happened April 26 against the Nationals. Silva went seven innings, Sean Marshall broke up the symmetry by pitching one-third of an inning, then Zambrano went 1 2/3 innings and Marmol pitched the ninth and ended up with the win.

I don’t really think you’re playing by the rules.

CARRIE: It was the first time the Cubs used three pitchers with the same first name in a game since June 5, 1966, when Bill Hands, Bill Connors and Bill Hoeft all appeared in an 8-3 loss to the Reds in Cincinnati. Thanks to historian Ed Hartig for that tidbit.

HARTIG: Someone please kill me.

CARRIE: Maybe Marshall will change his first name.

Always leave them with a joke!

No, there’s no more Muskbox. That was it. See you next week.