There are times when the lede of an article is so cornily stupid, that it makes me question the existence of a loving God. Times when the lede is so embarrassingly awful to read, that I as a blogger don’t even care what the rest of the article is about. I just know that I have to fisk it. The latest tightly-coiled pile pinched off by Rick Morrissey in today’s Sun-Times is all of those times.
It’s only a matter of time before some zany radio talk-show host changes the words of ”I’m a Believer” to ”I’m a Reliever” in honor of Carlos Zambrano.
It is only a matter of time before you accept one of the friend requests I keep sending you so I can tell you to your face how awful and stupid everything you write is.
And then I saw Lou’s face;
Weird Al Yankovic you are not. Better opening lines of this terrible parody song which I thought up in less than one minute:
- A guy’s on second base…
- ‘Cuz I punched Barrett’s face…
- I used to be staff ace…
- Rick is a closet case…
Now I’m a reliever. …
Did your period key get stuck, or something?
I’d get to that parody song right away if I were a radio guy because it won’t be long before ”T.N.T.” by AC/DC becomes more appropriate.
Or, you know, a song that was written in the last 30 years or so.
It’s impossible to look at this situation without seeing a Zambrano mushroom cloud on the horizon.
…if you’re a reactionary clod.
The best-case scenario in the Big Z saga…
He goes back to the rotation RIGHT NOW and wins 25 games, Tom Gorzelanny gets moved to the bullpen, where he collects 130 holds and only allows one baserunner for the remainder of the year when he beans Albert Pujols in the dick, the Cubs clinch the NL Central by the third week of August, Ron Santo is replaced today with Keith Moreland, Ronnie Woo-Woo falls down, hits his head, and wakes up a Sox fan, and Ricketts ponies up the cash to have Lou Piniella’s brain transplanted into a cyborg sexbot.
…could be the worst-case scenario at the same time.
Well, sure, but only if there’s ONE scenario. Or else, this makes no absolutely sense.
If he pitches lights-out for the next month, the Cubs aren’t going to be inclined to move him from the setup role back into the rotation.
Unless, of course, Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva wake up and remember that they’re Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva.
If Zambrano’s history of volatility is any indication, the large right-hander will erupt and air travel will be affected for days.
Eyjafjallajokull you, Morrissey.
Manager Lou Piniella has to know this, and when I asked him Wednesday whether Zambrano was enjoying his role as the eighth-inning conduit to closer Carlos Marmol, he didn’t try to sugarcoat it.
“Your head looks like a fucking eraser,” he said.
”I don’t know that,” he said. ”I’m not going to go that far. But I know, like I said before many times, I’m appreciative. That’s where we need him right now.”
Also, batting fifth.
Being a starting pitcher is a macho thing…
…and Zambrano, as much as anyone, lives it.
Not ANYONE.
It’s him against the batter, and may the better man win. When he looks in the mirror in the morning, he doesn’t see a guy who pitches exclusively in the eighth inning.
He sees the Candyman! OH, GOD, CARLOS, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY HIS NAME!!!?
He sees a hard-throwing starter who likes to collect strikeouts in bunches.
Also, Precious Moments statues.
He also likes the attention that comes with being a starter. When he’s on the mound, he’s the show. Cubs fans have come to expect the twitches, the meltdowns, the heavenward salutes.
…the durability, the excellent pitching, the switch-hitting power bat at the end of the lineup.
But Piniella made it clear Wednesday that Zambrano’s personal needs are irrelevant. Someone mentioned to Piniella that the limelight usually finds starters and closers, not setup men.
And that man was never seen again. His name? George Castle.
”The limelight is winning baseball games,” the manager said. ”That’s what the limelight is. Those seventh- and eighth-inning roles are very, very important. You don’t get to your closer [without them]. Marmol did that really, really well here for a few years.
”The way the game is played today, most of these games are decided late. Limelight or no limelight, [if] you want to win baseball games, you better hold the opposition down in those three innings — seventh, eighth and ninth.
Also, in the first through sixth innings, and in the tenth through infinity innings, if there are extras.
”Zambrano gives us a presence. He gives us experience. He gives us a really good situation. He gives us an opportunity to win baseball games. To me, that’s the limelight.”
To me, it will always be Geddy Lee living in a fisheye lens.
Zambrano wasn’t talking Wednesday…
…to me.
…but the times when he has discussed his new role, he has taken pains to describe it as temporary.
You ever notice how EVERYONE has that pained expression when they’re talking to you, Rick?
Unless he had a T-shirt with the words ”I’m a Temporary Reliever,” he couldn’t be any clearer.
I took a loss.
Oooooooooo…
I’m a reliever!
This column’s a steamer!
Why won’t he die?
The Cubs might not agree.
Or they might? Who am I to say? Just one man who looks like the mistake-fixin’ end of a pencil. The BUSINESS end.
If he doesn’t like being a reliever, he has no one else to blame. He has put himself in this situation.
…by consistently being one of the top starting pitchers in baseball since 2003 and pitching very well in 75% of his starts this year.
He was little more than average last season…
Carlos Zambrano ERA+ in 2009: 119
You’re a fucking idiot.
…and has been below average as a starter this season.
Because, almost entirely, of ONE horrendous start.
He hasn’t always put in the work the Cubs have asked of him between starts.
Evidence, please. Unless you’re just throwing shit around for no reason? Oh, you are? At least put some gloves on, for God’s sake.
And so, with Ted Lilly returning from an injury and the club desperately needing a reliever, Piniella took a hard look at the rotation.
“Fat. REALLY fat. 40-year-old sophomore. Dressed like a rodeo clown. Sloth from The Goonies. Fuck you, Hendry.”
He saw four other starters who were performing better than Zambrano.
And one rubber chicken.
To put a pitcher with a $91.5 million contract in a setup role is to admit some sort of failure, and there’s enough blame to go around — Zambrano for not pitching well enough and the Cubs for not acquiring a reliever.
So, two people get blame, and one of them gets blame because the Cub organization and much of the Chicago media is too stupid to realize how valuable he is.
But most of this is on Zambrano. In essence, the team is challenging him: Show us you care. Show us you want to win. Show us the team comes first.
Show us your tits.
But again the question: If it turns out he’s really good as the setup man, why would the Cubs take him out of that role?
Didn’t you just try to drunkenly explain that for the last 900 words?
You can already see the fireworks from here.
That’s just your brain tumor.
The Cubs lost 3-2 to the Nationals on Wednesday, and Zambrano didn’t pitch.
THAT SELFISH ASSHOLE COST THEM THE GAME!!!
That meant rest for him and a lack of electricity for the crowd at Wrigley Field.
They should have called Square D: Part of the power at Wrigley Field.
”I think the fans enjoy it,” Piniella said of Zambrano’s relief appearances. ”He’s got that type of status that the fans want to see him come in out of the bullpen and do well.
Or just see him pitch as many innings as possible, because he’s really good.
“I think it pumps him up, gives him some adrenaline.”
“Fills him with murderous rage that he’s being wasted in the bullpen.”
There’s a difference between a pumped-up Zambrano and a bottled-up Zambrano. With the latter, you want to make sure you stand back.
“And with the former, you want to stand AS CLOSE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. If you can actually crawl into Zambrano’s pants, that would be ideal.”
Well done.
I’m starting to think that Rick Morrissey has either developmental and/or learning disabilities. I’m not even joking. Unless he’s a mad genius and he actually goes out of his way to write these plainly horrible articles chock-full of over-reaching, tortured thinking, I’m baffled. Not trying to be melodramatic…it’s just hit me what a fortunate idiot this guy obviously is. He brings nothing, and gets paid for it. What a country.
@Mike D. – You could say the same about Rogers, Imrem, or really anyone who has ever been employed by the Sun-Times. It really is mind boggling. Soooo many clowns just phoning it in.
How about Evenflow by The Pearl Jams, or Smashing Pumpkins by great Chicago band Disarm? I’m not sure how they might relate to anything but I can play them both on my guitar!
I was reading a few old Royko columns earlier and I learned what’s been missing in Chicago since he died: real journalists
@Ryan Beariot – agreed
What really pisses me off about all this is the repeated implication that Zambrano somehow deserves to be in the bullpen because of some imagined failing. Any other team in either league would be falling all over themselves to have a Carlos Zambrano. He goes deep into games, usually has great stuff,and battles his ass off when he doesn’t. Much has been made of his volatility, but maybe, just maybe, he’s volatile because he actually gives a fuck about winning. If the Cubs cared half as much about winning as they did about fulfilling whatever kind of bullshit plan they’ve cooked up to get more butts in the seats and squeezing every last revenue stream out of their ancient fucking ballpark, they never would have moved Z into the pen to begin with.
And I for one don’t get pumped up when I see El Toro trot in from the ‘pen. I nearly black out from holding back the rage I feel thinking about all the starts he’s missing as the weeks go by. Not to mention the shame I feel thinking about how the other GM’s and managers are laughing their asses off at the Cubs for moving one of the best, most consistent starters in the game to the ‘pen after one bad start.