Ahoy, there, Cubs fans! I hear a fair number of you are considering jumping ship after your manager inexplicably moved one of his best starters to the bullpen. Well, far be it from me to try to sway you one way or another, but up here in Minnesota, we have a new ballpark, one of the most exciting young players in the game, and we hate the White Sox even more than you do! Lou forwarded me all of your tips from last week. He’s busy trying to figure out a way to get Micah Hoffpauir 300 of Derrek Lee’s at-bats. Lou told you to send new tips here.

• I sure hope Conan O’Brien wins the newest round of late-night wars.
• I don’t get it. This is how I tell all of my guys to break in their new gloves.
• Here’s the most depressing Rondup item you’ll see until Lou gets back.
• Don’t cry over spilled “milk”!
• Here is yet another reason to make fun of Curt Schilling for being fat.
• Can you imagine how disgusting Pablo Sandoval’s cup must stink?
• Someone call the Library Cop on our first President.
• So, Cubs fans. Who would you rather have in right field? Kosuke Fukudome, or Jim Edmonds? (HT: Jeffrey)
• Won’t you do your part to help the internet determine the Most Awesomest Thing Ever? Good bye, Friday afternoon!
• Pictures you shouldn’t be able to see of the volcano you can’t pronounce.
• Stupid designers. We want to see MORE asscrack!
• Gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
• Lou’s new home?
• Part of a depressing, yet balanced breakfast!
• Why haven’t the Blackhawks already put away the Predators? I’ll give you one guess.
• We’ve found him. I don’t know how, but we’ve found him! Run for it, Marty!
• Christ, what a great punchline.
• And you thought the end of The Sopranos was bad.
• You know who I’d like to have up in Minnesota on my starting staff? Matt Cain. But also Carlos Zambrano.
• Octopuses- Octopi. Whatever. They’re badass.
  

  octopus steals my video camera and swims off with it (while it’s Recording) from Victor Huang on Vimeo.

• Lou tells me you guys like putting together models, so maybe you’ll like these miniature scenes, especially the ones from TV sets.
• HJE‘s favorite meme gets castrated, and Hitler is none too happy about it (watch it quickly before it’s gone).
  
• This breakup is even better than my standard “fadeaway” approach.
• I- I don’t think so. I’d better go check.
• So, we apparently already missed it, but our OTHER good friend Paul Sullivan (of Sully Baseball)
  
  
  
• Cheer up, Cubs fans! Based loosely on BABIP, John Grabow isn’t QUITE as bad as he’s appeared. Carlos Silva, on the other hand, is potentially far, far worse. (HT: John)
• Santo10 wonders if Ryan Dempster choreographed this rain delay (for the record, it’s pretty damn awesome).
  
• Stephen King’s latest book (at least until next week) is about baseball, and is apparently worth the short time it will take you to read it. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• If you have an iPhone and you like baseball, check out these five applications. (HT: Daniel)
• Bleacher Report loosely interprets the term “mascot.” (HT: level5)
• Fergie Jenkins is awesome. (HT: Poon)
• McLovin is kind of a dick. (HT: Paul)
  
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: Ozzie is getting boring, so I’m expanding this feature, especially since Jose Canseco now has his own Twitter account: “Besides my genetically perfect girlfriend I would have a boring life if it wasn’t for u guys I would go crazy thanks for being there” Is the genetically-perfect one this one with the big, fake boobs (and formerly with the big penis)?
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: This should hold you over until next week.
  
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Fuck You, Penguin. (NSFW language, but you’re HERE, aren’t you?)

That’s it for me, folks. Maybe you should all take a few days off from watching Cubs baseball. We’ll be playing good, fundamental American League baseball in Kansas City this weekend. Won’t you join us?
-Uncle Gardy