My brain is still reeling over yesterday’s decision to send Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen. Whether you love Zambrano (like Dolan) or don’t (like me), you’d be a total fucking idiot to like this idea. In the Zambrano post, paintersix (sorry to pick on you) said, “I think it’s a terrible idea but …..if it works were all gonna look like dumbasses.” See, I don’t agree. Even if Zambrano is the GREATEST SET-UP MAN EVER, 70 innings of Zambrano simply isn’t worth as much as 200+ innings of him. Moreover, the 2009 version of “bad” Carlos Zambrano had a 3.77 ERA. Guess what? “Bad” Zambrano is still pretty fucking good. Since he became a full-time starter, Carlos Silva has had an ERA under 4.00 ONCE in his entire career, and that was five years ago. Tom Gorzelanny has also done it once. In 2007. Oh, that was also the last time either of those guys pitched 200+ innings.

This decision is so dense and short-sighted, when he heard the news, Stephen Hawking canceled his new show and drove his wheelchair off the London Bridge, typing, “I CANNOT LIVE IN A WORLD FILLED WITH SO MUCH STUPID” on the way down.

After I came down off my RAGELEDGE, this level of distilled stupidity brought to mind one question for me: If Zambrano is worthy of a demotion, why the hell didn’t they bench Soriano last year?

I always assumed that the Cubs felt they “couldn’t” bench Soriano during his miserable 2009 season because of the money he makes. Well, he only made $16M in 2009. Zambrano is making $17.875M this year. Clearly the Cubs don’t have a problem with benching a high-salaried player. Soriano underperformed for pretty much all of last year at the plate, and certainly in the field. So, why wasn’t he worthy of a demotion last year? If the Cubs are willing to pay a middle reliever (NOT EVEN A CLOSER) $17.875M, why do they care if they’re paying a pinch-hitter $16M? Soriano had a full year to prove that he was playing like crap. Zambrano had four starts, THREE OF WHICH WERE PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

Or how about Milton Bradley? Why did that sociopath get opportunity after opportunity to act like an asshole and play like garbage while Zambrano doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt? Let’s not even bring up the fact that the Cubs were actually in CONTENTION last year during Soriano’s and Bradley’s turdshelves. This year, the Cubs are not. Deal with it. Yet the longest-tenured Cub somehow is on a shorter leash than Soriano and Bradley? IN WHAT WORLD DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?

Moreover, if Lou, Hendry, or whoever is piloting this flaming wreck is going to make these idiotic snap decisions, why is Aramis Ramirez still batting fourth? Why not put the currently-hot Soriano up there for now? Or Geovany Soto? It seems to me that the bullpen wasn’t the main issue when the Cubs scored six runs during their four-game losing streak against two of the shittiest teams in baseball. The offense sucks ass, too. But, no. We can’t question the immortal Rudy Jaramillo, so it’s the bullpen’s fault. Therefore, Zambrano has to go fix it. LUNACY.

If this is Lou Piniella’s decision, I assume that this is his way of sending a message to Zambrano that Lou is the boss. I’m beyond pissed off after hearing OUR GOOD FRIEND PAUL SULLIVAN’s report that Lou was positively “giddy” when he called in the reporters to deliver the news that Zambrano was moving to the bullpen. I don’t care whether you like Zambrano or not, Lou. Put your swinging dick in your pants, and do what’s best for the team. This is not what’s best for the team. If it was Lou’s decision, he should be immediately fired. “Oh, it’s so funny when he yells at umpires!” Fuck that, and fuck him. If he thinks this is a good decision, the game has passed him by, and he has to go. Get Jim Essian in here. Put Greg Maddux back in uniform. Bring up Ryne Sandberg. Promote Larry Rothschild. Christ, get Bobby Valentine out of the ESPN studio. Just get someone in charge of this ballclub who isn’t so fucking stupid that he thinks that 130 fewer innings of Carlos Zambrano is GOOD for the Cubs.

While I’m in a frothing HATERANT, how fucking bad is Jim Hendry at his job that this move is even considered? During Spring Training, everyone knew the bullpen was going to be a nightmare. But Hendry did nothing other than try to make himself look good. Since he ludicrously overpaid for Jeff Samardzija, he all but forced him into the bullpen to prove his worth. Since he traded away everyone’s favorite bench player, Mark DeRosa, he insisted on proving that the guys he got for him were worth a damn. Hendry should be fired for putting together such a dogshit bullpen with the NL’s highest payroll. And if this is Lou sending HENDRY a message that his bullpen sucks, BOTH of them should be fired. This isn’t about winning a pissing contest. It’s about winning baseball games.

If I were Tom Ricketts, I would walk into the visiting clubhouse at Citi Field today, I would demand that someone tell me whose decision it was to move Zambrano to the bullpen, I would tell him to pack up his shit, and then I’d take all of his shit, light it on fire, and say, “Get it? Because you’re FUCKING FIRED!”

From this day forward, I’m only continuing to follow this team because I enjoy the writing aspect, and because I’ve already invested too much in it to start fresh with a new club. Until heads roll for this stupidity, I hereby renounce my Cub fandom, and I shall heretofore be considered a full-time Twins fan. The Cubs seriously deserve another full century of getting kicked in the dick tip by every other team in the MLB. They are, without a doubt, the worst-run franchise in the history of the major sports.

Go Twins!