Ted Lilly’s impending return to the Cubs has prompted two questions. “Which starter will get bumped from the rotation and into the bullpen?” and “How stupid will Jon Heyman’s suggestion regarding the first question be?” The answers are “either Tom Gorzelanny or Carlos Silva,” and “Stupider than Ryan Theriot trying to explain gravity.”

In his latest column (HT: Pre), Heyman suggests moving not Gorzelanny, not Carlos Silva, not Carlos Zambrano, not even Randy Wells, but Ryan Dempster to the bullpen.

From the article:

…the bullpen has been easily the Cubs’ biggest bugaboo.

I agree! These crumb bums are flim-flamming their way all the way to Timbuctoo!

Piniella and his Cubs bosses are starting to bat around possible solutions.

“Bat around.” Because it’s an article about baseball. He’s a professional writer, folks. Please stand back, keep your voices down, and watch him spin his craft.

Piniella isn’t ready to say publicly what the Cubs will do, but indications are strong that left-hander Tom Gorzelanny will stay in the rotation when Lilly returns, and one of the right-handers — Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells and Carlos Silva — will move to the pen for now.

Carlos Silva, then. You see, while he has pitched well so far this year, he has a recent history of not pitching well at all. Plus, he’s really fat. Column: OVER.

It’s hard to imagine it being Zambrano, who has a $91-million contract.

Agreed.

And it’s even harder to fathom it being Silva…

I just fathomed the shit out of that scenario.

…who’s showing signs of resuscitating his career as a Cub after a disastrous two seasons in Seattle.

In two starts and thirteen innings pitched.

Wells has settled into a nice routine as a starter, too.

His routine: Start every fifth day. Do pitching workouts in the interim.

If it’s anyone, Dempster — who makes almost $13 million a year as a starter but has been a semi-successful closer in the past — might be the most logical of the four.

I hate Dempster more than the next guy, no matter how filled with hatred the next guy is. But you’d have to be some kind of Theriot to not realize that Dempster’s been pretty damn good in the starting rotation for the Cubs (postseason excluded to calm all of your boiling blood). Zambrano’s Opening Day meltdown aside, all five starters have been pretty terrific, and I hate to see any of them get bumped out of the rotation. But Ted Lilly is an unstoppable killing machine with his sights set on the rotation.

Someone is going to have to stand aside or get ripped apart. I nominate Carlos Silva for either duty. The Cubs have plenty of lefties in the bullpen already (including one who can actually get people out!). Silva should take Jeff Samardzija’s role after he’s shipped to the Bears for a fifth-round draft pick.