It’s Tax Day, and I’m having a shitty one. What better time to turn my glower to this week’s Muskbox? None. None better time. Get your Tyler Colvin boners out, because they’re about to get a rubdown.

Why did the Cubs sign Marlon Byrd?

To play center field. Next question, asshole.

They have Tyler Colvin, who is big league ready…

After only 34 Major League plate appearances! Wow! So far this season, he is batting .100. Even someone so stupid that they can’t figure out Velcro has to know that that’s bad.

…and Byrd is holding him back from starting even longer.

You know who’s “holding him back” more, and about whom you should be writing? Alfonso Soriano.

And if they chose Colvin to be the center fielder for next year, Byrd would be a bench player making $15 million.
– Tim S., Chicago

Wait, are you making a case for Colvin, a case for Byrd, or a case for fiscal responsibility? It is Tax Day, after all.

CARRIE: If the Cubs didn’t sign Byrd and Colvin didn’t have the spring he had, you and others would be complaining that general manager Jim Hendry didn’t do enough.

SICK BURN!!!

CARRIE: The Cubs signed Byrd on Dec. 31. Who knew in December that Colvin would look like young Ted Williams, which is what some scouts said when they saw him in the Cactus League?

Every single one of those scouts was immediately fired. Except for the ones on the Cubs, who were all promoted and given raises and company cars.

CARRIE: And nobody knows today if Colvin is big league ready. In 10 at-bats so far, he has one hit, and that was his home run in Atlanta. Manager Lou Piniella knows that he has to get Colvin playing time, and somehow, he will.

Maybe he can start for the Bears AS SOON AS THAT FUCKING JAY CUTLER STOPS BLOCKING HIM FROM GETTING SNAPS!

I’m glad Colvin had a good spring. The .468 average was awesome and an ISO of .242 also is very impressive.

Is it? I don’t really follow the stock market.

There is one huge red flag, though.

That it was only Spring Training?

In 62 spring at-bats, he had zero walks.

Oh.

Is anybody else worried about this besides me? You can’t be an everyday player without a patient approach.
– Peter O., Chicago

(checks starting lineups)
(notices Soriano is still in it)
(waves hand dismissively)

CARRIE: You and a few bloggers…

I WANT NAMES!

CARRIE: …appear to be the only ones concerned about Colvin’s lack of walks. In his six games with the Cubs so far, he has walked twice.

Now, he’s up to a Bondsian three times in seven games, good for a .308 OBP. Wow. Even a guy who hits .100 can manage a better OBP than Corey Patterson.

What are the chances Lou will play the outfielders who deserve playing time based on their performance on the field rather than their contracts?

What are the chances you are Tyler Colvin?

Last season, he played Milton Bradley, Kosuke Fukudome and Alfonso Soriano, even when it was obvious they were struggling, and refused to play Jake Fox or Micah Hoffpauir — no matter how well they played.

FINALLY I’m not the only one pining for Hoffpauir’s .239/.300/.427 line and Fox’s .259/.311/.468 line from last year! We can finally stand together and say, “Yes! We DEMAND a two-man outfield of Micah Hoffpauir and Jake Fox! Just you TRY to drop your balls into that outfield!” Finally, WE HAVE A VOICE! There are dozens of us! We will not be ignored!

We all know Soriano and Fukudome will struggle and we also know Lou will stick with them rather than play Colvin or Hoffpauir so he doesn’t make his GM look bad for signing these guys to ridiculous contracts.

We do?

– Jeff P., Calgary

Oh, I see. Go watch hockey, moosefucker.

CARRIE: Monday’s game was a good example of what Piniella will do. He started Xavier Nady in right against Brewers’ lefty Doug Davis, and Nady came through with a three-run homer.

LOU: You, Nady! Hit a three-run homer!
NADY: Okay, skip! (slugs three-run homer)
LOU: I TOLD him to do that!
TRAMMELL: Brilliant strategy, sir.

CARRIE: It’s tough to bench a .400 hitter, but Piniella did that with Fukudome.

I bet it’s even harder to do when he doesn’t speak much English.

LOU: Kah-Skay, I’m gonna give you a little bit of a breather today.
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: Look, you’re doing a great job, but you always start out hot and wear down as the year goes on, so I’m going to try to give you some more rests early on.
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: Is any of this getting through?
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: (points to building) Look out! Here comes Godzilla!
FUKUDOME: AIYEEEEE! (runs away)
LOU: Nady, you’re starting in right.

CARRIE: Then, Piniella pulled Soriano for defense in the seventh.

How is that a difficult decision? The only difficult decision for Lou was whether he should pull Soriano or just execute him gangland-style.

CARRIE: Because the games have been so close, the Cubs need their best defense out there. Fox and Hoffpauir were good hitters…

Not really. Incidentally, Fox is hitting .067/.125/.267 through 16 plate appearances this year.

CARRIE: …but not the strongest options in the field.

Still not an option: DEATH.

With the Cubs’ bullpen hurt and lacking in experience, is there still a possibility of bringing in some outside help? I’ve noticed there are still some possibilities like David Weathers, Jason Isringhausen, Chad Bradford and Troy Percival. They’re on the market and may be risky but could also come at a low cost.
– Henry F., Batavia, Ill.

Holy shit, Isringhausen actually pitched last year? I honestly had no idea. As for your idea, it’s stupid. The Cubs have plenty of guys on the roster who can suck just as much as the guys you listed, and they cost less.

CARRIE: The Cubs feel the pitchers they have are better than those you listed, especially considering the cost and injury risk. They were counting on Angel Guzman this year, and losing him because of shoulder surgery was unexpected…

If only there was some sort of…tool. For researching baseball injuries. Oh, Cubs. You are the Charlie Brown of the MLB.

CARRIE: …but they do have Jeff Gray at Triple-A Iowa.

Not anymore!

CARRIE: When Ted Lilly returns…

…HELL RETURNS WITH HIM!

CARRIE: …someone in the rotation is going to slide into the bullpen. Will it be Tom Gorzelanny? Carlos Silva?

Why the fuck are you asking me? Ask Lou Piniella, dumbass.

CARRIE: It may depend on whether the bullpen needs help from the right or left side.

More likely, it will depend on who sucks the least in the starting rotation.

CARRIE: By the way, Gray, slowed this spring by a groin injury…

Slumpbuster!

CARRIE: …has given up one hit over four innings in three appearances with Iowa. With the exception of Opening Day in Atlanta, the Cubs’ games were all decided by two runs or less. Monday’s 9-5 win was a rout — and a perfect chance to get Jeff Samardzija in a game. He finally had a little cushion, so if he didn’t throw a perfect pitch, it wouldn’t hurt him.

Plus, it was a great opportunity to get his ERA out of TRIPLE DIGITS.

CARRIE: “We’re giving these pitchers very little breathing room,” Piniella said Monday.

“Which is important, especially after Sinatro uses the shitter,” he finished.

CARRIE: “Remember, we have six out of seven new pitchers in the bullpen. It takes a little while to sort it out. … That’s what we’re going to have to do, adjust a little bit.”

…he finished, adjusting himself and winking salaciously.

CARRIE: The Cubs do need to cut down on the walks. The relievers so far have walked 13 and given up 17 hits in 20 innings. That’s a lot of baserunners.

And, unfortunately for the Cubs, they don’t all run the bases like a bunch of Theriots.

CARRIE: A note to folks who have asked about B.J. Ryan, who signed with the Cubs last spring:

“How the fuck did you even remember B.J. Ryan was on the roster, you absolute headcase?”

CARRIE: He was released last year.

That too.

I’ve noticed that Matt Sinatro isn’t coaching first base. What is his capacity?

6.75 liters.

He’s one of my favorites.
– Gerri K., Cincinnati

Favorite what? Favorite base coach? How the hell do you begin the process of selecting a favorite base coach? That’s like picking a favorite section of the bleachers, where you sit and watch every home game and maybe bring your own bag lunch. What I’m saying is, it’s the sort of thing that mental patients do.

CARRIE: Sinatro and Ivan DeJesus have switched some job assignments.

And some pants, with HILARIOUS results!

CARRIE: Sinatro is now a special assistant to Piniella…

…in charge of MapQuesting the trip to AND from Cincinnati.

CARRIE: …and in charge of the catchers and scouting reports. DeJesus, who was a special assistant last year, works with the baserunners, which is why it’d be good if he was on the field.

Yes, good on the field ACTUALLY RUNNING the bases for these retards.

I’m very happy that Billy Williams will have a statue erected…

(snicker)

…at Wrigley Field. He deserves it. Do you think Ron Santo will get a statue, too? I think he’s deserving of one just as Ernie Banks and Harry Caray are.
– Joe E., Chicago

What have I told you, Garry Meier, about writing into the Muskbox? Remember? I said, “Don’t write into the Muskbox.” Now, STOP IT. Seriously, though, does anyone else think it’s sort of pathetic that the Cubs have historically sucked so much that the first statue they erected was of a broadcaster? Just me? Okay.

CARRIE: There should be room for Williams, Santo, Hack Wilson, Ryne Sandberg and more.

MUSKAT!

CARRIE: The long-term plans call for the creation of an area between the yet-to-be-built Triangle building along Clark Street and Wrigley Field, where the Cubs can install more statues. So, wherever they put Williams’ statue, it may be a temporary location.

I hope they do a Grace statue that shows him sitting spread eagle across the El tracks, so it looks like the train is flying out of his crotch. Just me? Okay.