Three games into the season, and the only guy in the starting lineup who doesn’t have a hit is our leadoff “hitter.” Do you hear those footsteps, Ryan Theriot? No, they’re not Starlin Castro’s. They’re mine. I’m running down the hallway to the clubhouse to kick your ass. Your Roundup tips are always read and sometimes appreciated.

• I see they rejected my suggestion for this year’s slogan: “It’s a Way to an Early Death.”
• Wolter allows himself two minutes of hate for Jeff Samardzija. I’ve budgeted in an entire lifetime of hate for him.
• Get this book, and then spend an entire day updating your Netflix queue. I suspect no one will even miss you. Certainly no loved ones will.
• Remember that lengthy takedown of The Phantom Menace? And remember how Attack of the Clones was pretty much worse in every way? Well, here’s the takedown of Episode II. Again, the Buffalo Bill sub-plot is totally unnecessary, but it’s still an entertaining waste of an hour and a half.
• Kosuke could have told you where to find it, if you’d just asked.
• Snopes’ 25 hottest things that you dopes fell for.
• The most badass alphabet you’ll ever see.
• Surprise! The Cardinals are bitching about something again.
• Not only is this guy the coolest math professor ever (I know, I know, “tallest midget”), but this is one of the best April Fool’s Day pranks I’ve ever seen.
  
• Some of these Chat Roulette exchanges are decent, but the fourth one down is definitely worth a look.
• Can you recognize MLB team logos from just one letter?
• Light some smoke on fire. This is crazy.
  
• Boobs save lives and millions of dollars. It’s science. YOU HEAR THAT, LADIES?
• You’re so stupid to believe stuff about history.
• This is the best game with Kevin Bacon and Michael Gross you’ll play all day.
• The origins of the nicknames of all 30 MLB teams.
• Good news. Aaron Miles is available for your slow-pitch softball team.
• Vanderbilt grows its pitchers tough.
• Sully breaks down Roy Hobbs’ hitting the cover off the ball.
• How come we can’t manage to have commercials as good as the A’s?
  
  
• It seems like a lot of you readers have been spitting out babies lately. This chart may be too late for you, but perhaps just in time for everyone else. (HT: Troy)
• The best job in the world just got a little less good. (HT: Steve)
• This is why I make it a point to beat the shit out of one of my players on the first day of Spring Training. (HT: Ned Ryerson) Fear keeps the rest of them in line.
• Most umpires root for underdogs. (HT: Pre) Except for Joe West, who just roots for ham sandwiches and naps.
• Please tell me this fertilizer isn’t more expensive than normal fertilizer.
• Two of my favorite things: The Big Lebowski and Lost have one very important character in common.
  
• OZZIE’S TWEET OF THE WEEK: “Goo luck to my guys for a great summer and all the venezuelan player even the ones I hate to death” TRANSLATION: Best wishes to all of my players for a productive summer solstice. I would also like to extend those same fond wishes to all Venezuelan players, even those at whom I bite my thumb!
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: This monstrosity is released on Monday. (HT: Luis) Sleep well this weekend.
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Friends of Irony. I mean, how imperfect can they possibly be?

Let’s hope we keep this “winning streak” going against the Reds this weekend and come home to open up Wrigley Field with a winning percentage that’s above .500. BWAAAHAHA! I almost made it through that with a straight face.
-Sweet Uncle Lou