So, Dolan and Kermit start a new blog and don’t invite me and Skip? FUCK. YOU. GUYS. The rest of you know where to find the only GOOD writers in the baseball blogosphere. Right here. At HJE. And those writers are me and Skip. Don’t send your Roundup tips to Fisting Fouls, or whatever it’s called. Send them here.

  • Did you realize our rotation is the second-highest-paid in the MLB, only behind the Yankees. NOW HOW STUPID DO WE LOOK?
  • Even the fictional Cubs can’t catch a damn break.
  • Looking to get geared up for the season? If so, look at these terrible top 10 plays from last season. If not, start drinking. It’s Friday! (HT: Luis)
  • Cubs tax: “Selig is dead.” Nietzsche: “WTF?” God: “LOL!”
  • Posnanski takes a look at unearned runs. IS HE ON YOUR FEED READER YET, DAMMIT?
  • If you added up Chris Berman’s IQ, Stewart Scott’s (lazy) IQ, John Kruk’s IQ, Joe Morgan’s IQ, Bobby Valentine’s IQ, and Jon Miller’s IQ, do you think that total number would be greater than or less than Doug Glanville’s IQ?
  • In honor of April Fool’s Day, enjoy the 7 ballsiest pranks ever pulled. At least successfully. Because I had a good one last year when I almost had Quade convinced that his eyebrows were growing in.
  • But that’s not all the fun that Cracked had with April Fool’s Day.
  • Corey Patterson had a TWO-OH-SEVEN OPS last year?
  • Here’s a good explanation of why you’re probably going to spend hundreds of dollars this weekend to have a leather-clad woman smack you in the taint with a knotted rope.
  • Every single MLB.com writer picked the Cardinals to win the NL Central. Say it with me now. DOOOOOOOOM!!!
  • I hate you both.
  • The creator of the College World Series died this week. That’s sad. I have nothing snarky to say. The CWS is really cool. DID YOU KNOW RYAN THERIOT AND MIKE FONTENOT ONCE PLAYED IN IT ON THE SAME TEAM???
  • There’s something fishy about Luke Scott.
  • The following people are still statueless: Piniella, Lou; Essian, Jim. That is all.
  • The Force is strong with this one.
  • If you hate your job, try to quit like Conan O’Brien did.
  • Can Jamie Moyer pitch himself into the Hall of Fame?
  • THAT’S RACIST! And hilarious.
  • These shots of a WWII town are models, they’re brilliant, and you should go look at them.
  • Surprisingly absent from this list: Crane Kenney.
  • The craziest action sequences you’ll see today. Not crazy GOOD. Just crazy.
  • If you’re not busy running from Jesus this weekend, maybe you should make him do the running. (HT: Pre)
  • Whether you love Facebook or hate it, at least it’s making people more and more creative with their snark.
  • 1. Get fat. 2. Be bald. 3. Smell bad. 4. Be terminally unfunny. 5. Say creepy sexual things. 6. Be terrible in bed. Oh, you mean there’s a list of things guys do TO get laid that turn women off?
  • If only he had a gigantic dog that could chew him up along with all of your other childhood toys. Damn you, Truffles!
  • History’s greatest drunkards. The guy who is actually asleep in his mugshot is AMAZING.
  • Do you suppose any of those people were drunker than this guy? (HT: Steve)
  • What do you do when you write the worst screenplay ever? You publicly apologize, of course. (HT: Pre)
  • Choose Your Own Twitter Adventure. And cross Friday afternoon off your calendar.
  • Further proof that Dane Cook gargles balls. Do you really need it, though?
  • You know who else sucks? Dark Horse beer knows. And their answer is a resounding, “Nickelback.” (HT: Slaky)
  • Ten-Year-Old Movies looks at movies from- Carry the one- By God, 2000 was already ten years ago? (HT: CT)
  • Ten full minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes. (HT: John)
  • Dallas Braden looks like a Starting Lineup figure.
  • OZZIE’S TRANSLATED TWEET OF THE WEEK: I’m changing this up a bit. Not only am I going to give you Ozzie’s best Tweet of the week, but I’m also going to translate it for you. “Why I love this town so much very cool town very calm to bad is my last to game fort me hear for now lol”
    TRANSLATION: “There are reasons that I enjoy Tucson so much, and I am about to deliver two of the aforementioned reasons to you. (1) Tucson is a very cool town. (2) Tucson is a very calm town, not unlike the fictional St. Petersburg, Missouri, which was the setting of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Saywer. It is a pity that this will be my last game in this lovely municipality for an undetermined period of time. I find my previous comment so amusing that I am currently laughing out loud.”
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Yep.
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Clients from Hell. (HT: Weebs) Coming soon (presumably): Bosses from Hell, Employees from Hell, and Guys Who Sexually Harass Me at Work from Hell.

That’s it for me, folks. It’s nearly actual baseball season. I’m sure we’ll lose 80% of our readers to Fisted Foul. And I, for one, say the hell with the four of you!

-Sweet Uncle Lou