Ed. Note: When I’m long gone from this world and tales are told of what I did to make a difference in this life, no one will have an answer that doesn’t, at some point, use the phrase “dick joke.” Whether I leave a legacy in the expanding world of penis jokes or not, though, I certainly don’t want to leave any unfinished business. Therefore, I’m rededicating myself to counting down up The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time. Love it or hate it, you and I WILL get through it. Together. (“Don’t You Forget About Me” swells in the background.) Now, let’s put lipstick on this pig.

The year is 2010. The Cubs are preparing for the start of another baseball season. Excitement is in the air in Chicago as the weather begins to warm and our hopeless hearts begin to thaw. Somewhere, Jeff Fassero is miraculously only 47 years old. How? How is this possible? Jeff Fassero was 45 years old when he played with the Cubs nearly a decade ago. Yet Jeff Fassero endures. He survives. He creaks. He drives slowly. He wears cardigan sweaters even in hot weather. He gets up twice in the middle of the night to pee. He checks in at #51 on The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Jeff Fassero was born on January 5, 1963, a few months before The Beatles released their first album. Yes, Fassero was born into a world that had twisted at times and had shouted at times, but had not done both AT THE SAME TIME. James Bond had not yet been put on film. There were no zip codes. Martin Luther King, Jr. had not, at this point, dreamed. Lee Harvey Oswald was just another hillbilly with a bad haircut.

My point is that Jeff Fassero is old.

As a lad from Springfield, Illinois, it must have been a joy for Fassero when he was drafted by the Cardinals in 1984. That’s the same draft in which the Cubs took Greg Maddux and Terry Mulholland, the Braves took Tom Glavine, and the Yankees took Al Leiter. I just can’t stress enough how ancient Jeff Fassero is.

As if Fassero wasn’t unlikable enough after beginning his professional career as a Cardinal, his second team was the White Sox. The Southsiders selected Fassero from the Cardinals in the 1989 Rule 5 Draft. Shortly thereafter, Fassero was released by the Sox and picked up by the Indians, who dropped him after one season in the minors.

Fassero was finally given a chance in the MLB “thanks” to the Montreal Expos. He made his Major League debut on May 4, 1991, at the already-astonishingly-old-for-a-rookie-baseball-player age of 28. He took the loss in extra innings of a 6-5 game against the San Diego Padres. Fassero put together a nice year out of the bullpen, compiling a 2.44 ERA and a 1.012 WHIP in 55 1/3 innings.

Fassero’s first appearance against the Jim Essian-led Cubs came in Wrigley Field on August 13, 1991. Fassero picked up a 1 1/3-inning save, his fifth of the year, and even inexplicably got an at-bat. Well, it’s explicable, I guess. Tom Runnels was the Expo manager.

Fassero went on to pitch in Seattle, Texas, Boston, Chicago for your Cubs, St. Louis, Colorado, Arizona, and San Francisco. In his career, he posted a 6-5 record and a 2.98 ERA against the Cubs, more than a run lower than his career ERA of 4.11. He fanned 77 Cubs while walking only 28, and had a 1.279 WHIP against them.

All this while continuing to be really old. Proving once again that I wasted my left-handedness all these years by not pitching. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Why You Should Hate Him: Fassero has tossed two other gems against the Cubs, but let’s go with August 19, 1993. The Expos were in Chicago to take on Frank Castillo and the Cubs. If you recall, the Expos were very good in the early ’90s, and Frank Castillo was very bad. Castillo gave up 4 earned runs before exiting the game after the 4th inning. Shawn Boskie and Bob Scanlan proceeded to give up 6 unearned runs in the 7th inning to give the Expos a 10-2 lead they would not relinquish. Meanwhile, Fassero, aging rapidly in the visiting dugout, threw nine innings of two-run baseball, striking out 9 Cub hitters. Fassero even reached base on an error and came around to score a run. I’m shocked he didn’t shatter a hip.

Did You Know? Fassero is back with the Cubs, serving as the pitching coach under Jody Davis for the Boise Hawks. Finally, he found an age-appropriate job.