I didn’t get around to the Muskbox last week because of the emotional and mental toll from ripping Milton Bradley. I could- nay, should allow myself a break from the Muskbox madness. But that wouldn’t be fair to you. Instead, you get a double shot of Muskbox with a chaser of failure. And I die on the inside twice as much as normal this week.

Who is the candidate for the Cubs’ setup role now with Angel Guzman out?
– Alex P., St. Louis Park, Minn.

Please don’t say David Patton. Please don’t say David Patton. Please don’t say David Patton.

CARRIE: Right now, Esmailin Caridad and John Grabow are the right-left setup options for Lou Piniella. Those two and Carlos Marmol are the only pitchers set for the ‘pen, while the rest will be sorted out this spring. Caridad went 5-10 with a 4.17 ERA as a starter last season at Triple-A Iowa, but when he pitched in relief with the Cubs, he compiled a 1.40 ERA in 14 games. He has the stuff but not the experience. The Cubs also are looking at some youngsters like Justin Berg, James Russell, John Gaub, Thomas Diamond, Blake Parker and Rule 5 draftee Mike Parisi. Guzman, 28, is sidelined indefinitely with a torn ligament in his right shoulder.

I have a question which I need to ask in all sincerity. It’s been kicking around in the back of my mind for some time, and it seems like no one is talking about it. I don’t know if it’s just a sore subject or if it would be a social faux pas to ask it, but here goes.

Is Sean Marshall dead?

With Castro coming up and Ryan Theriot now comfortable at shortstop, why not bring Castro up to Triple-A and have Ryne Sandberg teach him second base? Then we will keep Theriot and Castro as our middle infielders.
– Reed H., Cape Coral, Fla.

I don’t understand defensive statistics as much as some bloggers like to pretend they understand defensive statistics, but I can tell you this. Starlin Castro is 11 Ozzie Smiths better than Ryan Theriot at shortstop. That translates out to 30 less crow-hops he needs to take from short to get the ball to first over the course of a season.

CARRIE: Castro will play some second base, but that’s something the Cubs like to have all of their middle infielders do in the Minor Leagues.

That way, Jim Hendry only needs to sign a dozen second basemen each offseason instead of the normal two dozen.

CARRIE: The thinking is that if the shortstop understands what it’s like to play second — for example, learning what the second baseman is looking for with double play feeds — it will make him a better shortstop, as well as more versatile.

For a similar reason, they make all of their infielders wear fat suits so they know what it’s like to be Carlos Silva.

CARRIE: Castro, who turns 20 on March 24, has worked with Sandberg already. The two were together at Double-A Tennessee last season, and they have done drills this spring along with Alan Trammell. Castro has a very good arm and is very smooth at shortstop. That’s his best position. The Cubs do have some talent in their system in the middle. Not only is Castro highly regarded, but so are shortstops Darwin Barney and Hak-Ju Lee. Castro is expected to open the season in the Minors.

Do we have any middle infielders with normal names? Maybe something more prone to puns like “You Can’t Quiet The Riot!” No? Okay, I’ll come up with some.

“Get Overthrown by Castro!”
“Darwin: Start the Evolution!”
“Hak-Ju Lee? But I Barely Even Know Her!”

What’s the status of David Patton? I coached him in youth summer ball and am very proud of his development. Is he slated to make the squad?
– Warren H., Seattle

You coached him? So this is YOUR fault. YOU did this.

Seriously, though, he sucks.

CARRIE: Patton, whom the Cubs acquired in the 2008 Rule 5 Draft, most likely will open in the Minor Leagues. He did well last season, considering he had not pitched above Class A.

There is no possible way to even pretend that anything David Patton did last year was done “well.” Hell, it’s hard to make an argument that anything he did last year could even be considered “pitching.”

CARRIE: Patton says hi, by the way. “[Warren] helped me a lot — he believed in me,” Patton said.

Which is exactly why Warren called Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz, and Winston Zeddmore.

I’m a huge Cubs fan…

I can tell, because you JUST TOLD ME YOU ARE.

…and I watch every game here in Venezuela.

I live closer to Chicago than you do. Therefore, I am a bigger Cubs fan.

I was wondering if there’s any possibility that Alfonso Soriano could return to second base like he used to play in Texas?

You watch every game, you say?

Just to open some space in the outfield for Xavier Nady, a guy who can drive in 90 runs.
– Rodrigo, A., Maracaibo, Venezuela

Can you imagine poor Derrek Lee in this nightmare infield scenario? At least 2-3 times a game, Derrek would have to turn to one of the cameras, puff out his cheeks, shrug his shoulders, and make a sad trombone sound.

CARRIE: When Soriano played second base from 2001-05 for the Yankees and Rangers, he averaged 21 errors per season.

STUD SHORTSTOP Ryan Theriot averages 15 per season, and he can’t hit.

CARRIE: There’s a reason he was moved to the outfield.

So the racist Cubs fans wouldn’t have to yell so loudly to heckle him?

CARRIE: And if you’re going to open up an outfield spot, I’d like to see someone like Tyler Colvin get playing time. He’s looked really good in the early games, and even Carlos Zambrano commented on how well the young outfielder is hitting. That’s high praise coming from Big Z. Colvin added 25 pounds of good muscle this offseason.

He’s also hitting against Spring Training pitching. But I’m sure it’s the muscle.

While riding the L this morning…

…reading RedEye, drinking Starbucks, working on my screenplay, and listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah on my iPod Touch.

…I noticed the back of the scoreboard (which used to boast a giant neon “Chicago Cubs”) is blank and appears to have been whitewashed. What exactly is up with that…

And what’s the deal with airline food these days? Is it food, or is it cardboard? Am I right? And how come energy-efficient cars get the best parking spots nowadays? If we’re trying to save the environment, shouldn’t we let the gas-guzzlers park up front and make the energy-efficient cars drive all the way to the back of the parking lot?

…and what other renovations can we expect the Ricketts family to make before Opening Day?
– Kevin L., Chicago

Nachos for all! Ironic cans of PBR for most!

CARRIE: That area of the scoreboard is being spruced up, and the sign will be back by Opening Day.

It had better be. Or else, you’re going to have a boycott on your hands.

CARRIE: Among the other changes this year are improved restrooms on the concourse and a change on the facade at the corner of Addison and Sheffield streets. There’s also the new mezzanine suite, the PNC Club of Chicago, and fans who have access to the area below the right-field bleachers will be able to watch players in the batting cages from behind a one-way glass. You’ll be able to see them working with hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo, but they can’t see you.

Sweet. When is feeding time?

I watched Carlos Silva on March 6 vs. White Sox, and it was not pretty. What I did see was that he was around the plate and I hear he has a mean sinker that would work in any air other than the desert of Arizona (another good reason to move to Florida so they can evaluate the breaking balls). Maybe he would thrive in a new role as a right-handed setup man.
– Bill H., The Villages, Fla.

You know who else gets paid to be “around the plate”? Batting practice pitchers. I hope Silva thrives in a new role in the crushing cold of the deepest part of the deepest sea.

CARRIE: That game against the White Sox was Silva’s first…

…and, God-willing, last…

CARRIE: …start. Did you see his second outing on March 11? In that game, he gave up four hits and walked one over three scoreless innings.

Good for a 1.67 WHIP! Color me encouraged!

CARRIE: What was encouraging after the second start were the comments Silva made.

The guy sure sounds like he knows what he’s doing.

CARRIE: He said he felt excited to pitch again for the first time in a couple years, saying the changes were helpful.

After the year he put together in 2009, this fat bastard should be excited to be getting paid to pitch anywhere.

CARRIE: Let’s give him and pitching coach Larry Rothschild some time.

No.

CARRIE: And, yes, he does have a good sinker — at least he did when he was with the Twins. That’s what they’re working on.

They’re also working on rigging up a feedbag that Silva can wear while pitching so he doesn’t have to waste a lot of time cutting and handling his meals.

Why is Mike Fontenot spending so much time playing shortstop? It seems like we are already overloaded at short and from the sounds of the Starlin Castro chatter, Ryan Theriot may be out of a position in a year or two. Why doesn’t Theriot try switching to second so he can stay in the lineup?
– Eric S., Coral Gables, Fla.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone else ever think to ask this question?

CARRIE: The Cubs are trying to determine their bench.

They’ve asked the bench over and over for an explanation, but the bench refuses to cooperate, remaining mostly silent and inanimate.

CARRIE: If Fontenot can play shortstop, then the Cubs would be more likely to carry a player like Kevin Millar or Chad Tracy as opposed to someone like Andres Blanco, who is a bigger help on defense than offense.

So, if Fontenot sucks at shortstop (likely), there’s a greater possibility that Kevin Millar won’t be yukking it up in the clubhouse all season? I have never rooted so hard for the absolute failure of a player. No offense, Mike.

CARRIE: And don’t look for Castro to be on the roster on Opening Day. He’ll open the season in the Minor Leagues.

Well, I’m glad that was clarified. Twice. On consecutive weeks. Also, here. And here. And here.

CARRIE: As Lou Piniella said the other day, why not? The Cubs want to carry an extra outfielder besides Xavier Nady, and they have four candidates in Colvin, Sam Fuld, Jim Adduci and Brad Snyder. Colvin, a welcome left-handed bat, has been impressive this spring and it looks as if the extra 25 pounds of muscle he added and the strength workouts he did paid off. All four of those outfielders can play all three positions, which helps, too.

It would help even more if we could put all four of them out there at the same time.

Looking at the bullpen, I see some major issues, specifically the lack of experience and depth.

A man goes to see his doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a pain in my elbow.”

The doctor says, “Describe how it hurts.”

The man waves his forearm back and forth and says, “Well, it only hurts when I move it like this.”

The doctor says, “So don’t move it like that anymore.”

Moral of the story? Just don’t look at the bullpen, then.

Are the Cubs going to try to fill in some holes in their bullpen through either free agency or a trade or just stand pat?
– Harry K., Winnetka, Ill.

I don’t know, but I do know that Scott Eyre is available.

CARRIE: They are young. General manager Jim Hendry has been looking for an experienced right-handed pitcher since before the Winter Meetings. Right now, the only relievers set are Carlos Marmol, John Grabow and Esmailin Caridad, and Marmol is the only holdover from Opening Day 2009. Remember, two of the pitchers currently in the running for the rotation who don’t make it will likely be moved to the bullpen.

And those pitchers would be…? Samardzija and the dearly departed Sean Marshall?

CARRIE: Piniella has been pleased with some of the youngsters like Justin Berg and John Gaub, and there’s nothing wrong with youth as long as they get the job done.

And they don’t run in the hallways. And they keep quiet in the library. And they stay the hell off my lawn!

I keep hearing that Millar might go to the Minors to get more at-bats and that the best thing to do is have him lead off every inning. How do the rules work so the same player can lead off every inning?
– Isaac M., Kansas City

They say there are no stupid questions. Only stupid people asking questions about Kevin Millar getting at-bats. But I disagree with that idea. I think that this is a stupid person asking a stupid question about Kevin Millar.

CARRIE: That doesn’t mean Millar would do that with Triple-A Iowa. This spring, he could go down to the Cubs’ complex at Fitch Park and play in one of the Minor League games there. The rules are a little lax. A lot of teams use those games to let guys who are rehabbing or need some extra at-bats get their work in. The Cubs may do that with Nady as well.

Which would make sense, because Nady is hurt, he’s a useful player, and he’s not Kevin Millar. How many times does the Muskbox need to repeat Kevin Millar’s name before he appears behind you in a mirror and makes the team?