The internet is all atwitter (oh, NOW I get it, Twitter) about Starlin Castro. He makes routine plays! He hits triples! He’s never been caught stealing second base on a walk! He brought one of Ted Lilly’s victims back to life and healed Kevin Millar’s teeth! Look, I like this young man as much as the next guy, but can we give him another at-bat or two before we start polishing his plaque at Cooperstown? Or at least his knob? Anyhow, it’s Roundup time. If you were busily celebrating the start of the UNDEFEATED SEASON last night, I’m sure you need it.

• Before he got kicked out of Arizona for blowing the Daily Herald‘s travel budget for the next two years, Bruce Miles had a good chat about Ryan Theriot’s calves. You remember Theriot. He’s “the scrappy one.” Well played, Bruce.
• Jim Edmonds…Hall of Famer?
• Hang on, Freddy Garcia ripped on us in January? Where the hell was I? And who the hell is Freddy Garcia?
• Someone sucks at taking a compliment. No, not Wittenmyer. He’s never gotten a compliment.
• If I know Dusty Baker, I can only assume Aroldis Chapman’s “tune-up” involved him throwing two hundred fastballs at a family of rabid rhesus monkeys.
• Speaking of monkeys, this one must be a Cubs fan. (HT: Tom Trebelhorn)
• The adoption of the Pittsburgh Pirates as our official AAA affiliate is nearly complete.
• WHY AREN’T YOU READING JOE POSNANSKI? He has another interesting article which is essentially about Alfonso Soriano swinging at sliders in the dirt. (HT: John) You’ll love it, Chuck.
• There’s nothing quite as relaxing as a nice morning walk at this time of year. The melting snow giving the air a crisp smell, the singing birds returning from their winter naps, a MOTHERFUCKING EAGLE SCREAMING OUT OF THE SKY TO TRY TO KILL BAMBI.
• What would you do if you saw yourself on Chat Roulette instead of just some dude’s dong?
  
  I’m pretty sure one guy stares directly into his OWN SOUL.
• If you actually had a pot to piss in, you should consider putting it in one of these places.
• Speaking of urinals, this examination of urinal configuration efficiency is old, but still amazing.
• In her defense, Oreo milkshakes ARE pretty amazing.
• In space, no one can hear my pitching mound conversations with Carlos Silva.
• I don’t care how you feel about Ok Go or the song itself, but the Rube Goldberg machine they built for their new video is a sight to see.
• I don’t even know how many of you weirdos were Googling this.
• Pictures you won’t believe aren’t Photoshopped. Er- You will believe they’re Photoshopped. Whatever.
• If you’re looking for an excuse to go home 1.26 microseconds early today, here’s a good one.
• Some of the worst things on YouTube, all in one handy link.
• HOW IS THIS A THING?
  
• Tim Burton remakes Weekend at Bernie’s. It’s as glorious as you might expect.
• If Gary Busey wrote your third-grade science textbook, you would- You know? Let’s just let that lead-in stand on its own legs. (HT: Charles)
• Finally we’ll be able to compare how much better I am than Aramis Ramirez! (HT: Daniel)
• Someone buy this book, read it, and sum it up for me. (HT: level5)
• If a vampire bit a Spanish-speaking zombie, the ensuing nightmare would be Sammy Sosa.
• OZZIE’S TWEET OF THE WEEK: “Very excited to c a future hall of famer play in a white sox uniform.” Juan Pierre?
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: The only way this picture could be scarier would be if- Well, no. There’s no fucking way this picture could be scarier.
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: The Oatmeal. There’s some good stuff on there.

That’s it for me, Sosa-lovers. If you haven’t already done so, be sure to sign up for Neifiball. We’ve had some e-mails. We want more. It’s tougher than regular fantasy baseball. My advice to you is to pick Reds.

-Sweet Uncle Lou