Because it has sort of become an annual tradition, and because it annoys Mike D. more than Ron Santo reading a national ad for bicycle safety, I’m going to go ahead and give you a pseudo-review of the latest in video game baseballery. Only this year I have finally had the brains to completely abandon the awful, awful 2K series. I want so badly to like the series. I love the gesture pitching. I love using the swing stick for hitting. I thought the swing stick, cursor aiming you could use last year could have been brilliant. But no mechanic can save a game that just plays a bad game of baseball. I downloaded the demo last week and played a three-inning game. By the second inning, Jimmy Rollins had run straight backward to field a ground ball hit directly at him, and I was done with the series for good.

With that said, I didn’t pick up a PS3 until the price dropped late last year. I did pick up MLB ’09, but to be honest, I didn’t fool around with it as much as I would have had the Cubs made baseball interesting last summer. So, I’m still pretty new to The Show. Therefore, this “review” isn’t going to compare MLB 10: The Show to MLB ’09 very often. Most of this stuff is new to me. Deal with it.

As I’ve done in the past, I’m going to go ahead and fire up a Cubs-Cardinals game with relatively default settings and rosters. Consider this my running journal of that experience.

After finishing Lost (OH MY GOD, IS KATE GOING TO BECOME AN OTHER?) I loaded up the game. Why does the PS3 have these stupid install times? It took about 3-4 minutes just to load enough data onto the machine to make the game playable. It’s a damn shame the Xbox 360 doesn’t have Blu-Ray compatibility and a playable baseball game. The PS3′s controller sucks, the operating system sucks, the online sucks, and until yesterday, Sony was advising that you not even turn it on. But I digress. It has The Show, so here we are.

The title screen plays a nifty little movie narrated by Matt Vasgersian detailing some of the cool moments and highlights of the 2009 season. There are zero Cub moments. Cover athlete, stud catcher, super model dater, and all-American boy Joe Mauer appears to remind me how much of my life I’ve wasted. Thanks, Joe!

I flip through the title menu options to “New in MLB 10.” Ooo, they have an All-Star Week now! There’s a Futures Game, Home Run Derby, and All-Star Game. It doesn’t appear that there’s a Celebrity All-Star Softball Game, during which I annually pray that Dave Winfield will line a screamer off Kenny Mayne’s face.

Apparently, if you’re a catcher in Road to the Show (RTTS), you can call the game. Cool addition, but who the hell would want to be a catcher? Do you have to watch every single pitch? Even if you don’t have to as a catcher, apparently they added the ability to watch full games in RTTS instead of just watching the plays in which your player is involved. That’s great. I wonder if you can look around the dugout and watch Rothschild stick his hand down his pants and sniff it.

There are some new practice modes, too. PRACTICE!? Lame.

I can also now record highlight reels and make movies. Seems like a practical feature for a review of the game. We shall see, MLB 10. We shall see. They added the ability to look at opponents’ bullpens. So, when you bring the A’s to town, you can look at Michael Wuertz’s mutant face and wonder what might have been.

A cool-sounding new feature is the addition of multiple pickoffs. There is a casual pickoff, there’s the Carlos Zambrano spaz-out panic throw that ends up in the first-base dugout, and there’s the Andy Petitte deceptive balk pickoff. Interesting. There’s a new broadcast camera that apparently randomly cuts to shots of Ron Santo realizing he’s on camera and pulling his toupee over his face to hide. There’s also the ability to have your reliever throw 8 warmup pitches. Unless you’re playing as the Reds, in which case you’re allowed to throw 80 warmups.

There are some online additions, too. Why don’t you just go read about those? I have no intention to get a perfect game thrown against me by a 12-year-old kid.

Okay, enough menu foreplay. I’m playing an Exhibition game. As is my yearly tradition, it’ll be a night game at Wrigley with the Cardinals in town. As is another yearly tradition, Virtual Chris Carpenter should be injured by the third inning if this game is programmed correctly and Virtual Tony LaRussa should get a DUI on the way home. That is, if we even play the game. I keep waiting for Virtual Joe Girardi to appear and tell everyone to go home because the Cardinals killed another pitcher.

The Cardinals are ranked 16th overall, which seems decently accurate. But Cubs are somehow ranked 9th overall. NINTH. Allegedly 8th in batting and 9th in pitching. I guess getting rid of Aaron Heilman, Aaron Miles, and Kevin Gregg must have done wonders for their ranking. The Cardinals are ranked a more-reasonable 16th. I guess I have to pick the stupid blueberry top jerseys, since Zambrano is pitching. Gross.

I’m using default Veteran settings until I feel like I need to change them. Basically the only thing I change is the pitching camera. I like the behind-the-mound view, and I’ll thank you not to judge me for it.

I hate seeing Theriot at the top of the default lineup, but to be honest, I have no one else to put up there. I do move Theriot over to second base and put Blanco in at short. I’ll wait for a downloadable roster to include Starlin Castro before I start my dynasty. I’m going with:

Theriot 2B
Fukudome RF
Lee 1B
Ramirez 3B
Byrd CF
Soriano LF
Soto C
Blanco SS
Zambrano P

I have no chance.

Holy shit, the Cardinals’ default roster has Carpenter batting 8th and Brendan Ryan batting 9th. Outstanding. Even this machine knows how retarded LaRussa is. And away we go!

They act like they’re going to cut to commercial, with the Cubs and Cardinals coming up next, but they don’t. No matter, I run out and buy a Tru-Value fence.

Wrigley looks pretty as Dave Campbell says Geovany Soto could be a key to this game. Virtual Soto is still fat, so I disagree.

The Wrigley organ actually sounds excellent. That’s not a penis joke. Yet.

“First pitch: 7:06,” says the stadium announcer. It’s a ball away. Hey, it’s Zambrano. I stop to type this without pausing the game, and after a moment that little bitch Skip Schumaker steps out of the box and talks to Soto and the ump. Neat touch.

I’ll just say right now that one of the crappiest things about 2K was the strike zone. It was massive, it didn’t represent a real strike zone, and it was impossible to distinguish balls from strikes. I can already tell The Show is far better.

They say you can tell how the season is going to go by its first batter. The Cardinals are apparently going to ground out to Ryan Theriot a lot.

Wow, Colby Rasmus really has that uncanny valley thing going for him. No, wait. That was his actual profile picture. Rasmus lines one up the middle. Theriot belly-flops and misses it by five feet. They’re right about this being the most realistic game on the market. Pujols steps in, and I think you know what time it is.

DICK BEANING TIME!!!

What can I say? It’s tradition. Pujols chirps at Zambrano and points his bat at him. I try to find the button for “ask him how his grandchildren are,” but they must have taken that out.

Holliday doubles home Rasmus, but Pujols has to stop for steroids around second base, so he only advances to third. If Byrd didn’t weigh a trillion pounds and if Fukudome could adjust to our crazy American culture, that would have been the second out.

Ludwick manages to drag his head all the way up to the plate. He grounds out to Aramis to score another run. 2-0 Cardinals. Seems about right.

Zambrano is falling behind everyone already. 20 pitches in. 11 strikes. 9 balls. Awesome. Another double from whichever Molina is the most inbred. Another run. 3-0 Cardinals. They definitely have Zambrano’s mannerisms down. He just screamed at Todd Walker and hit a Gatorade jug with a bat.

Another hit by Freese. Another run. 4-0 Cardinals. It appears I suck at pitching. And that this is going to be a long fucking night.

Z strikes Carpenter (thanks, Tony!) out looking. Let’s see how this whole “batting” thing goes.

Ryan Theriot steps to the plate after conducting an interview about how much he wants to blow Kevin Millar. He then pops out in foul territory to Pujols on what would have been a ball. Where’s the command to have him run the wrong way around the bases making choo-choo sounds?

Hey, first hit of the season! Fukudome lines a low fastball up the middle for a single. Matt Sinatro high-fives him and talks to him as Fukudome looks on in utter bewilderment.

Derrek pops out on the infield, yet I’m not as mad at him as I am at Theriot. Weird.

I somehow accidentally call for a hit-and-run, so I have to emergency swing with Aramis. He fouls it off, and Fukudome and my controller are saved my wrath. Aramis rewards me by crushing an 0-1 fastball into the seats. 400 happy feet, and the lead is cut in half. 4-2 Cardinals.

Marlon Byrd gets a big ovation, because they programmed in the baffling stupidity of Cubs fans. Byrd whiffs on a pitch out of the strike zone. I didn’t make Carpenter throw a ball that inning, but that’s because I play video game baseball like Soriano. Inning over.

Brendan Ryan has his porn stache. It’s awesome that the MLB team captured his inner redneck asshole. He goes down swinging. Also, on some dude.

The pop-up tips in this game are very helpful. “Have you considered firing Jim Hendry and Crane Kenney?” I have, but thanks anyhow, video game!

Schumaker flies out to Byrd, who luckily barely has to move.

I’m really liking the fact that I can’t perfectly locate my pitches. The only thing that was bad about an otherwise-amazing MVP 2005 was the fact that every single one of my pitchers had a sub-3.00 ERA, and fewer than 5 walks on the season. Zambrano is tough to control.

Goddamn Rasmus gets another hit, so I have to face a dickless Pujols with a man on. He pops out to Soriano, who amazingly makes a routine play. Must be a glitch. Inning over.

AS SO OFTEN HAPPENS, Soriano leads off the inning. And, hey, he doubles off the wall. Crane Kenney appears to sell ad space on the spot where the ball landed.

I’m loving the fact that the game didn’t start in total darkness. It started in dusk, and it’s getting near gloamin’ now. Or something. Also, Soto took the first ball of the game on check swing that I had to completely spaz out on the controller to get. PATIENCE.

Soto rolls over to third. The broadcast camera for the CPU’s defense is really cool-looking. Not as cool-looking is Andres Blanco, striking out on three pitches. Boo.

Zambrano, of course, lines a 2-1 pitch off Matt Holliday’s balls to cut the lead to 4-3 Cardinals. They cut to a shot of him putting on his warmup jacket. I love little things like this, because I’m a simpleton.

Some lady in the stands reaches for a Theriot foul ball, misses, and falls out of the stands onto the field. Why women are so obsessed with Theriot’s balls is beyond me. Theriot grounds into a 6-4 put out as 3,000 women in the stands run to the bathroom to change their panties. Inning over, and I’m already regretting not immediately cutting Theriot.

Zambrano gets screwed on a 2-2 pitch to Holliday which is called a ball, and Holliday doubles into the gap. Ludwick bounces out to Lee as Holliday drags his massive chin to third base. The 30th of the Molina clan lines out to Theriot. Freese triples in a run. It should have been a single, but Fukudome took the path less traveled to the ball. 5-3 Cardinals. This game is terrific-looking, by the way. If you squint or get really, really drunk, you might mistake it for a real broadcast. Jeez, Carpenter takes Zambrano to the wall, but Soriano makes the catch and is rewarded with a cookie. To the bottom of the 3rd inning we go.

Fukudome grounds out to Schumaker for the first out. Lee grounds to Freese for the second one. Aramis hits a single deep into the hole at short. I guessed the pitch and location correctly, but botched the swing timing. I owe you a long home run, Aramis. After a wild pitch, Byrd lines a single to left to make it 5-4 Cardinals. Soriano doubles to left, but Byrd, exhausted from dragging his legs from first base, has to stop at third. Soto flies out to center to end the inning.

Ryan grounds out to Lee as the announcers are baffled by my inactive bullpen. It’s the fourth inning, Vasgersian. Don’t blow your load just yet. Schumaker hits into a 5-3 groundout. Goddamn Colby Rasmus keeps on killing me. He homers to right to make it 6-4 Cardinals. Pujols grounds out to first as I continue to be haunted by Rasmus’ cold, dead eyes.

Holy hell, Andres Blanco gets a hit. I might as well try to bunt, even though it’s Zambrano. Quade comes down the line to talk to him. They really captured the horror that is the face of Mike Quade. Z gets the bunt down to move Blanco to second. Theriot manages to literally pop the ball straight above his head. Molina actually tosses off his mask to make the catch. VERY cool. Fukudome grounds out to Pujols to end the frame.

Holliday whiffs on a slider away. I’m starting to figure out Zambrano’s delivery. Just in time for the fifth inning! Ludwick goes down looking. Molina flies out to Soriano, and I have a miraculously easy inning. It’s getting to be bullpen time, though. I don’t trust Zambrano to get through the bottom of the Cardinal order. Carlos Silva is in my bullpen as a long reliever. Dare I? Oh, what the hell. I rent a forklift and get his ass up in the bullpen.

Lee, distracted by Silva out of the corner of his eye, flies out to right. Aramis pops out to second for the second out. Byrd strikes out on a check swing for the third. He then squeezes his bat until sap drips from the end of it.

The inning is so quick, and Silva is so fat, that he’s not ready to go in. That leaves Carlos high and dry, so he gives up a single to Freese. That allows The Genius to let Carpenter bat. He pops out to Zambrano and gets scolded by Tony. On a hit-and-run, Ryan squeezes a ball just past a diving Ramirez. I can hear the explosion of Aramis’s shoulder. It’s Silva time. It’s ugly already. Might as well ice this. The warmup feature is cool. I get to throw 8 pitches to get used to their break. Or, in the case of Silva, their non-break. The organ plays, a bunch of bleacher drunks vomit on one another, and Silva swallows a whole hot dog by his third pitch. Okay, ready to go. Soto calls a pitchout, but nothing is on. Silva runs the count 3-1 before giving up an RBI single. And heeeeeere come the boo-birds. Holy Moises Alou, Silva gets a double play ball. To “get out” of trouble, I guess.

Soriano gets jammed, but he grounds a base hit up the middle to start the bottom of the 6th. Soto follows with another knock and Soriano goes to third. Bullpen time, in case I get back into this. Uhh, Jeff Gray, I guess. Is this seriously the bullpen? They’re going to be bad. Blanco should have grounded into a double play, but Schumaker throws it to Holliday instead of Ryan. A runs scores. 7-5 Cardinals, and Carpenter is done. Despite them bringing in Jason Motte, I think I have to use Nady over Fontenot and Hoffpauir because- Well, because Fontenot and Hoffpauir are terrible. By the way, Silva and Nady are wearing Cubs uniforms in their profile picture. Considering 2K either put the players in generic hats or had them on teams from two seasons prior, that’s a neat little touch. Ugh. Nady pops out to Molina. The crowd was really pumped before that, and that shut them up. A wild pitch moves both runners up 90 feet. Theriot fouls a pitch off the home-plate ump, and the ump actually takes a second to recover. Nifty. Theriot, of course, pops out to second base. Asshole. Lou is SCREAMING at him in the dugout. I’m not joking about that. Outstanding. And Fukudome saves Theriot’s ass as Rasmus tries to make a diving play (which is surprising and cool in and of itself; it was a make-or-break play, and he went for it) and misses, and the ball rolls all the way to the wall for a bases-clearing triple. 7-7 ballgame. Lee strikes out to end the inning, but the damage is done.

Apparently, I forgot to get Gray up in the bullpen. I’m really pumped to have a rookie pitcher going in cold against the meat of the Cardinal order in a tie game. The warmup pitches help a little bit. Gray throws hard. Or maybe that’s just because he’s following the Carlos Silva Shit Show. I pause, and the stadium announcer points out that it’s the 50-year anniversary at Wrigley of one of the stadium bathroom attendants. The Cubs: celebrating the shit you’ve dealt with for the last 50 years. Crane Kenney probably erected a statue for him. Pujols, of course, doubles. Gray puts Holliday on intentionally, since he’s been killing me. Ludwick singles, but it’s hit too hard to score a run. Bases loaded. Nobody out. DOOOOOOOOM!!! A cool little overlay comes up showing the team rankings in grand slams last year. No, wait. That overlay sucks. Assholes. Gray gets Molina to ground into a 4-6-3 double play, but a run scores. Of course, Freese doubles. 9-7 Cardinals. Gray strikes out pinch hitter Julio Lugo looking on three pitches just before Joe Mantegna comes out, tells everyone what a huge Cubs fan he is, and sings the Seventh Inning Stretch.

Trever Miller comes in to pitch and Aramis greets him with a single. I get Grabow up in the bullpen in anticipation of a terrible 8th inning. Hey, now Byrd gets a base hit! In typical Cub fashion, the two slowest men in the ballpark Chicago now represent the tying runs. Soriano works a 2-0 count, but then whiffs. However, Geovany picks him up by launching a 3-run homer into the left field bleachers! 10-9 Cubs, as they get their first lead of the game. Dennys Reyes waddles out of the Cardinal bullpen to stop the bleeding. Blanco strikes out on a bad pitch. None of this is MY fault, I swear. I let Baker pinch hit for Gray. Because, why not? Reyes keeps shaking off Molina, and somewhere Bob Brenly freaks out about it. Baker strikes out to end the 7th.

John Grabow comes in to pitch in all his goateed glory. Have I mentioned that, for some reason, I suck at controlling lefties in video game baseball? I haven’t? Well, then, YOU’RE IN FOR A TREAT! Brendan Ryan grounds out to third. Schumaker singles into the hole, because Theriot’s range is completely accurate. I should have gotten up Guzman. I will now, even though he won’t be ready for Pujols. I am the Dusty Baker of video game baseball managers. Soriano almost falls on his ass catching a Rasmus flyout. Uhh, Guzman is ready enough, right? RIGHT? I expect this will end his career, but I bring Guzman in, anyhow. Too bad I don’t have Chad Fox at my disposal. Guzman walks Pujols because he refuses to throw him a 3-1, belt-high fastball like the game suggests he throw. He then gets Holliday to ground out to Lee, and I somehow look like a genius manager.

Yes, Marmol is warming up. I did it right this time. Theriot pops up on the infield for the eighth time this game. I’m not even joking. Well, I’m exaggerating, but I’m not joking. IT’S NOT FUNNY. Hero of the game, Fukudome, singles again. Lee flies out to deep right. Aramis singles for his fourth hit of the game. Byrd flies out to Holliday to end the inning.

It’s time for MARLOS. His delivery is ridiculous, but so is his slider. Of course he gives up a leadoff walk to Ludwick. His slider cannot be controlled. Molina thankfully bunts an 0-2 pitch foul for the first out. Cub Killer (Remember that list? I’ll finish it, I swear.) David Freese grounds into a 3-6 fielder’s choice. Some dude named Nick Stavinoha comes in to pinch hit. He scares the hell out of me by flying out to deep center to end the game. Cubs win! Cubs win! Aramis wins Player of the Game, going 4-5 with a home run. He is rewarded with a cock. Gray gets the win, Miller the loss, and Marmol the save.

The post-game highlights show the big plays of the game, because that’s what highlights do. What a treat to relive my early-inning bad pitching and questionable routes! Here are those highlights.

After one game, I can definitively say that this is the GREATEST GAME EVER, maybe. I will get some more time with the game in, check out some of the franchise features, forgo my social life (no, seriously, I have one), and maybe post some updates in the future.