This week’s Muskbox has done something so amazingly meta, that it’s hard to believe it’s not on purpose. It’s a Muskbox about a blog. Now, are you ready for this? Here’s where it gets even funkier. You’re about to read another blog mock the Muskbox about being about a blog. Take a few deep breaths and get ready for this.
I read that Guzman is in the mix to fill in for Ted Lilly while Lilly recovers from shoulder surgery.
/Googles “angel guzman starter ted lilly”
//gets YOUR made-up question
///breaks internet
Are the Cubs seriously considering Guzman to be a starter?
I’d laugh at you and accuse you of making something up that you never actually read, but this is a team that’s actually considering Carlos Silva to be a starter. So, I’ll say, “Oh, God, maybe.”
He was very effective as a reliever last year, and the team already seems to be one reliever short at the back end of the bullpen. Wouldn’t it make more sense to leave Guzman in the bullpen where he’s had success and choose another option to fill in for Lilly?
– Erich B., Bourbonnais, Ill.
THE SAME Erich B. from Bourbonnais who, in a previous Muskbox, referred to Orlando Hudson as “O-Dog”? In case you haven’t noticed, E-Dog, “things that make sense” aren’t really the Cubs’ primary objective. They’re more a “things that serve as a reminder that Chad Fox is not, as you previously suspected, actually dead” type of ball club.
CARRIE: Not sure where you read that…
Jack Torrance’s typewriter.
CARRIE: …but Guzman is not a candidate to sub for Lilly. Guzman, who has battled elbow and shoulder injuries in his career, seems to have made the switch to relief very well and has a better chance of emerging as the right-handed complement to lefty John Grabow.
Meanwhile, Mike Fontenot shall be the left-handed complement to Jeff Baker, Derrek Lee shall be the other-side-of-the-infielded complement to Aramis Ramirez, Alan Trammell shall be the less-foul-mouthed complement to Lou Piniella, and The Muskbox will be the less-informative complement to the Wrigley Field marquee.
CARRIE: He could help set up closer Carlos Marmol.
The Barack Obamaed complement to Rick Vaughn!
CARRIE: The list for potential starters to fill in for Lilly includes Jeff Samardzija, Tom Gorzelanny, Sean Marshall and Rule 5 Draft pick Michael Parisi.
NOT AN OPTION: Death.
CARRIE: This will be a big year for Samardzija, who seemed to have a tough time getting into a rhythm last season. In 2008, he compiled a 2.28 ERA in 26 relief appearances. Could he be a better reliever than starter?
Yes, because he won’t pitch as much. Hey, wait a minute. WHO’S ASKING THE QUESTIONS, HERE?
CARRIE: Bouncing back and forth last season between the big league team and the Minors didn’t help the right-hander. He did have a chance to work on his offspeed pitches in Mexico this winter.
Also, his Spanish.
CARRIE: The Cubs also have to find a good role for newcomer Carlos Silva, who has been used primarily as a starter.
What that role is, is hard to define. But here are some suggestions:
- Batting practice pitcher
- Fifth starter in Iowa
- Towel rack
- Guy who actually makes everyone miss Milton Bradley
From what I understand, the starting outfield will be Alfonso Soriano in left, Marlon Byrd in center and Kosuke Fukudome in right. My question is, after seeing the Cubs acquire Nady, is he going to play off the bench or contend for a starting job? If his role is going to be off the bench, no disrespect to Nady because he’s a decent player, but a one-year, $3 million contract plus incentives is a lot of money for a bench player.
– Sean M., Geneseo, Ill.
I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell you. Why don’t you have a seat? Just throw those newspapers on the floor. Okay. Kosuke Fukudome- Well- Fukudome is a bench player. And he’s going to make $13M this year…. No, American dollars. And $13.5M next year. That’s a total of $48M over four years from the Cubs. You okay? Put your head between your knees, or something.
CARRIE: That’s how much Reed Johnson was paid last season, and he was considered a bench player.
Not by THIS card-carrying member of Reed’s RegimentTM!
CARRIE: The Cubs are hoping Nady is able to share time in right field with Fukudome, facing tough left-handed pitching, and also can spell Soriano as well as pinch-hit. First, we have to see how well Nady can throw following Tommy John ligament replacement surgery on his elbow.
No, FIRST we sign Nady. THEN we see how well he can throw following Tommy John surgery. It’s a plan SO simple that it actually seems really, really stupid.
I’m concerned the Cubs haven’t addressed all of their holes.
Heh heh heh.
We don’t have a good backup for third base…
Jeff Baker.
…second base needs some help…
Jeff Baker, Mike Fontenot, and, if there is a God and He doesn’t hate me as much as he acts like it sometimes, Ryan Theriot.
…the bullpen needs help…
Why do people keep saying this? The bullpen should be pretty damn good. They were at least decent last year with a collective 4.11 ERA, 1.394 WHIP, and 8.0 SO/9. This year, you removed Kevin Gregg, and added full years of John Grabow, Tom Gorzelanny, and possibly Esmailin Caridad, Justin Berg, or Jose Ascanio. Sean Marshall has been great as a reliever, and Samardzija is allegedly going to finally be good. Incidentally, check out the sponsor of Samardzija’s page on Baseball-Reference:
Bootstraps the Bussie sponsor(s) this page.
NOBODY was more excited about your choosing baseball over football than I was…HOWEVER…your off the field late night activities while playing here in Daytona with the Cubs were VERY VERY sad…please change your ways and become a role model.
Wow.
…and I’m really afraid of the starting pitching.
That’s good, because no one in the National League is, either. I’m here all week, folks, but the starting pitching should actually be tolerable.
Do you see any moves to plug some of the problems?
– Frank C. Harvard, Ill.
Yes. I call it “The Swirl.”
CARRIE: Not immediately. The Cubs’ scouts will be at spring camps in both Arizona and Florida to look at possible additions, most likely via trade. Jeff Baker is the third base backup, which the Cubs didn’t have last year, and he, Mike Fontenot and Andres Blanco will share second. Let’s see what new hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo can do with Fontenot.
Fit him into a breadbox?
CARRIE: The bullpen is missing one experienced pitcher or they could stick with the kids.
“Or maybe they’ll go a different route entirely and bring in a bunch of monkeys to handle the late innings. I don’t know. I’m a beat reporter, not a psychic.”
CARRIE: As for the starting pitching, that’s the deepest, with Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Lilly, Silva, Samardzija, Gorzelanny, Marshall and Parisi. And that list doesn’t include any of the young arms in the system who will get a look this spring, such as Jay Jackson and Mitch Atkins. Guess I’m not as concerned as you are.
CLASS DISMISSED!
My suggestion for a blogger this year [to take over for Johnson] is Lilly. I would like to see a pitcher’s perspective, especially with his rehab.
– Tom E., St. Louis
Hey, Ted. I know you recently had surgery on your shoulder, but if it’s not too much to ask, do you think instead of rehabbing that shoulder, you could sit in this uncomfortable chair at a computer and type until you get carpal tunnel?
CARRIE: Here’s hoping Lilly’s rehab only lasts a few weeks into the regular season so fans won’t have to read much about that.
We’d prefer to hear the tales of him stalking DePaul coeds through the night air, seducing them, and luring him back to his home, where it’s WHAM! Meat tenderizer to the skull!
CARRIE: He could be ready mid-April or May 1. The team doesn’t want to set a deadline, preferring to wait and see when the lefty is ready.
Why set a deadline? If you can wait over a century for a World Series Championship, surely you can wait until May to get Ted Lilly into the rotation.
I think Dempster would be the perfect guy for the blog this year. He’s hilarious and seems really good with the press and clearly loves the fans. Is he open to it?
– Jake L., Moscow, Idaho
And we can finally see if Dempster can write like Will Ferrell writing like Harry Caray!
CARRIE: Dempster is all of the above…
As well as annoying.
CARRIE: …but he does have a lot on his plate.
Like a shaving cream pie!
CARRIE: He’s created a foundation…
Comic Relief?
CARRIE: …the Ryan and Jenny Dempster Family Foundation, to help raise awareness of DiGeorge Syndrome and reach out to families affected by it. Their daughter, Riley, who turns 1 on April 1, was born with the disorder, caused by deletions within the 22q11 chromosome, and she has difficulty swallowing.
Oh. Killjoy.
CARRIE: You can find out more by going to the foundation’s Web site.
“I’m not gonna tell you what it is, but you can sure find out a lot more there! Oh, the things I learned after going to Ryan Dempster’s website! Right on the website, they actually TELL YOU THE CURE for DiGeorge Syndrome! And it’s such a simple cure, I wouldn’t even have thought of it if I hadn’t gone to Ryan Dempster’s website!”
Incidentally, she did NOT link the site from the actual Muskbox. If you want it, it’s HERE.
A suggestion for this year’s blog, maybe Nady? It would be nice to hear the day-to-day thoughts of a guy like him playing for the Cubs for the first time and coming off an injury.
– J.T., Mobile, Ala.
It’s possible that the guy might never take a single at-bat as a Cub. So, essentially, he has the same blogging credentials as I do. Sign him up!
CARRIE: Nady is a possibility. There also were a lot of votes cast for Ryan Theriot.
Also, a lot of votes cast against. But then I got carpal tunnel and I’m rehabbing with Lilly now.
I think we all want to see “Big Z” do the blog.
– David C., Chicago
Here is a quick list of things I want to see Zambrano do:
- Pitch
- Punch Ryan Theriot in the face
- Hit
- Grow out his mustache
- Field
- Win a hot-dog-eating competition
- Run the bases
- Ride a zorse
- Blog
CARRIE: Zambrano did a blog in Spanish last year for loscubs.com for a short time…
You mean, THE source of information about DiJorge Síndrome?
CARRIE: …but the reader comments became rather personal and unpleasant, so it was stopped.
A shiny gold coin to anyone who can bring me the contents of that blog. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not this one.
CARRIE: Commentators need to think before hitting that “submit” button.
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
I’d suggest Koyie Hill. He seems like a nice guy with his charity and at the Cubs Convention, he wasn’t too much of a big timer that he would ignore it.
That’s because he’s not a big timer. He’s a backup catcher.
I think he would provide a great perspective.
– Rob S., Cary, Ill.
KOYIE’S BOYIES: NUGGETS OF PERSPECTIVE FROM KOYIE HILL
Lesson 1: What to do when you hack off half your fingers with a table saw
Lesson 2: Backing up Rob Bowen; is this seriously my life?
Lesson 3: Why Lou yells so much; my Ryan Theriot story
CARRIE: Hill would be an excellent choice. However, he’s also pretty sharp.
You might even say he’s sharper than a tack. No, a table saw! He’s sharper than a table saw! You might even say that you should keep your fingers away from Koyie Hill, lest he chops them off, and you have to go through both surgery and an agonizing rehabilitation process to have them reattached and to regain motion in them!
CARRIE: A few readers pointed out that past bloggers Mark DeRosa and Johnson did not last long with the Cubs. Hill may know that. Paulette H. in Peoria does.
I retract all of my votes against Ryan Theriot and hereby submit them all as votes FOR Theriot.
One more chance: The last two bloggers were sent on their way the following year, but I’m going to live dangerously and suggest Dempster as the blogger this year.
Seconded.
If he goes, I suggest we retire the blogging.
– Paulette H., Peoria, Ill.
Seconded.
CARRIE: Agreed.
The ayes have it!
