Happy Valentine’s Day weekend, virgins! The only thing sadder than getting shot down by desperate cougars at your local taverns tomorrow night is- Well, nothing. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. May your failure at the bars be as epically hilarious as a Ryan Dempster Game One playoff start. Each tip you leave me is like a little Valentine to Sweet Uncle Lou. WHERE’S THE GODDAMN CANDY?

  • I’m disappointed that I didn’t show up once on this list of the 6 Most Aggressively Ridiculous Benders in Modern History. Be sure to stick around for #1. It’s worth the payoff.
  • One site dares to find out if Nickelback is the worst band ever.
  • The Royals’ plan to give Kyle Farnsworth a shot at the starting rotation is the worst plan since the Cubs’ plan to give Kyle Farnsworth a shot at the starting rotation. But don’t worry, Royals fans. Now Kyle isn’t throwing as hard, and he’s added some offspeed pitches. Meaning his fastball is CLOSER in speed to his offspeed stuff. Because that makes sense. Be sure to watch his “Royals Minute” in the link. It’s enlightening. You can’t see me, but I’m doing the universal sign for WHACKING IT.
  • If I were a boss, this would be me. Whaddya mean, “You ARE sort of a boss?”
  • If you thought 2009 was a tough season to watch. Wait until you see what we have in store for 2010.
  • I think you HAVE to have a good sense of humor to be a dad.
  • Hooray for mirror scares (and mirror scare fake-outs).
  • This guy does a heck of a Marty McFly. Oh, and he does his mother, too.
  • Sorry that the Roundup was late. I sure hope it didn’t take weeks off your lifespan.
  • The second-to-last one had me laughing.
  • I was messing with the generally NSFW Chat Roulette yesterday. The one pair of gigantic boobs that popped up were totally worth all the dudes masturbating. Or not.
  • Impress your nerd friends with levitation!
  • Brian Kelly discovers how to recruit at Notre Dame.
  • Good for the bones, bad for the boners.
  • George Lucas will get his comeuppance, but once he gets it, he’ll probably add some CGI to it, make it shoot first, add some terrible dialog, and call it a day.
  • The early version of “meathead” was, apparently, “muttonhead.”
  • David Caruso puns (and memes) his way through Miami.
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: It doesn’t get more nightmarish than abandoned insane asylums, does it? Other than, you know, fully-operational, packed insane asylums.
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: I figured “new favorite site of the week” has long been a misnomer. Plus, this has become a regular feature. Let’s give it a name. I have a couple this week. The first is Very Demotivational, because of gems like this and this. If that doesn’t send your boat off a waterfall with Tom Selleck and a sandwich, certainly this site will. (HT: EnricoPallazzo) Still nothing? How about Surviving the World? I guess you should start at Lesson #1 and work your way up. (HT: Springtime)

That’s all she wrote for me, lovers of forced celibacy. Have a great time crying yourselves to sleep all alone this weekend!

-Sweet Uncle Lou