Our latest installment of the Muskbox commits a fallacy of the undistributed middle, frets over the career of Micah Hoffpauir, and throws a wild kegger in Vinton, Iowa! Join me, won’t you, on our weekly excursion into the minds of the mentally-impaired?
Why don’t the Cubs just go ahead and let Castro open the season at shortstop and move Ryan Theriot to second? This would solve the problem at second and give us a better defense up the middle. The Rangers proved a rookie shortstop can handle the job.
– Bob G., Frisco, Texas
1. A rookie shortstop successfully played Major League Baseball.
2. Starlin Castro is a rookie shortstop.
3. Starlin Castro can successfully play Major League Baseball.
In order to illustrate the logical fallacy inherent in this argument, good sir, I present you with the following- RONNY CEDENO WAS A ROOKIE SHORTSTOP, TOO.
CARRIE: Castro is 19 and turns 20 in March; the Rangers’ Elvis Andrus is slightly older.
Andrus was born on August 26, 1988.
Castro was born on March 24, 1990.
Subtract the year between debuts, and that’s about a seven-month difference between the two players entering their first year in the MLB. That’s less time than it takes for Mark DeRosa to impregnate a woman just by looking at her, and for her to carry her stubbly little baby to full term. In fact, if Castro starts the year in Chicago, both players would debut as rookies at the age of twenty. The only difference would be that Andrus could legally drink as his team played their way out of the playoffs in August. Castro won’t be able to do so.
CARRIE: Lou Piniella and staff have not seen Castro except for a few games in the Arizona Fall League.
But they’ve seen more than enough of Ryan Theriot, right?
CARRIE: This spring, they’ll get to know him, see him play, and watch how he handles game situations. It’s a cliche, but players tell you when they’re ready.
In the case of Theriot, he’ll also tell you when you need to pull the car over so he can go to the bathroom, which Transformer is the coolest, and how to count to five hundred.
CARRIE: Piniella is not afraid to give a youngster a job — he picked Theriot — but Castro has to prove he can handle it.
Theriot was 27 years old when he was given the job as the starting shortstop. If Theriot is a “youngster,” then I have no reason to be embarrassed that I read Twilight and cry at night.
Will prospects like Castro and Andrew Cashner get invited to Spring Training? I know both of them are getting a lot of press, and they are both mentioned in top-prospects lists. Why not give them a try?
– Howard Q., Iowa City, Iowa
I will not live in world where Kevin Millar is invited to Spring Training and Castro and Cashner are not.
CARRIE: Yes, both will be in Mesa, Ariz., along with Josh Vitters and Brett Jackson. The Cubs have invited 19 non-roster players to spring camp, including pitchers J.R. Mathes, James Russell, Casey Coleman, Thomas Diamond, Jeff Kennard and Vince Perkins. The catchers invited include Robinson Chirinos, Steve Clevenger, Blake Lalli and Chris Robinson. The position players include Darwin Barney, Matt Camp, Bryan LaHair, Bobby Scales and Brad Snyder.
NSBB has half of those guys making the team, and the other half traded to Washington for Adam Dunn. I’ll let you decide which half is which.
CARRIE: Pitchers and catchers report Feb. 17 to Mesa, with the first workout at Fitch Park the next day. Position players report on Feb. 22. The first full-squad workout will be Feb. 23.
Who the hell would ever want to know when the Millar-Dempster grabassery takes place?
Can one attend Spring Training practices, and are they free? Also, is there a set time as to when they practice?
– Joe Z., Chandler, Ariz.
Oh.
CARRIE: The more the merrier. There’s no charge to watch the workouts, which usually begin around 9:30 a.m. MT and wrap up around noon.
So, if you’ve ever wanted to watch Ivan DeJesus hit fungos as hard as possible at Bobby Scales, make sure you get up early, have a nice breakfast, and GO WANDER OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT AND NEVER COME BACK.
I don’t understand why the Cubs couldn’t sign Johnson and put him in center. If he stays healthy, he could have been an asset for them rather than the Dodgers.
– D.J.A., Streator, Ill.
Because Marlon Byrd is somehow better than Reed Johnson. Or because Reed hasn’t played more than 134 games since 2005. Or because Reed has only had over 500 at-bats once in his career, and that was in 2004. Or because he has back problems from repeatedly ramming his spine at full speed into a wall.
CARRIE: As much as his teammates wanted him back, the Cubs know Johnson’s health situation better than anybody and decided on Xavier Nady instead.
Jim Hendry’s How to Sign Players Cheap Easy Reference Guide:
Chad Fox > guy with two Tommy John surgeries > every second baseman in baseball > team spiritedness > capped teeth > guy with chronic back problems > left-handed hitter
With Johnson signing with the Dodgers, who is going to do the blog this coming year?
– Stephen H., Cedar Falls, Iowa
FROM THE DESK OF STEPHEN H.
Hi, Carrie!
I was just wondering, with Johnson signing with the Dodgers, who is going to
play center field on days that Marlon Byrd needs a rest?
be the first right-handed option off the bench?
lead the team in chin hair?
make all those cool, diving, Sportscenter catches that make me jump up off my couch and yell, “DA DA DA! DA DA DA!”
do the blog this coming year?
Love, Stephen H., Crazytown, U.S.A. Cedar Falls, Iowa
CARRIE: I’ll line someone up this spring. Any suggestions?
Yes. Don’t.
I saw in the Nady article that general manager Jim Hendry said Nady was most likely the Cubs’ last acquisition of the winter. Does that mean they don’t want another right-handed pitcher in the bullpen anymore?
– Zach B., Woodstock, Ill.
No, it just means that Hendry saw his shadow last week.
CARRIE: The Cubs are still looking for late-inning relief help, preferably right-handed.
Isn’t that sort of exactly what they DO have?
CARRIE: That said, they could open camp without adding anyone else and possibly make a deal during Spring Training.
Dontrelle Willis for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca! Get someone on the phone! Anyone!
CARRIE: There were rumors the team was interested in free agent Kiko Calero, 35, but he missed time in 2008 because of a torn rotator cuff and was sidelined last season because of inflammation in his shoulder. Calero is looking for a two-year contract, and the Cubs are probably hesitant to do something like that considering his injuries.
You’ll take three years or you’ll take NOTHING, buddy.
CARRIE: They do have in-house candidates to consider such as Angel Guzman, Michael Parisi, Justin Berg and Esmailin Caridad.
Did I miss something? Is there any question that Guzman is going to be on the team next year? As far as I know, the triceps issue that caused the Cubs to shut him down at the end of last year shouldn’t affect him during Spring Training. There’s a small explosive device implanted in his elbow that will go off either after a certain number of pitches or if he wanders too far off the compound, but other than that, I have him setting up for Carlos Marmol.
With news that Kevin Millar has signed a Minor League deal with the Cubs…
…I wanted to punch Jim Hendry in the face. But that’s not really a question, is it?
…and the fact that the team already has signed Chad Tracy to a similar deal, is Hoffpauir’s career as a Cub over? Although he’s not young, Hoffpauir seems to have filled in nicely over the years, providing some power, which is something Millar and Tracy have lacked in seasons past.
– Scott S., Pittsburgh
Career Slugging Percentages:
Chad Tracy .453
Kevin Millar .452
Micah Hoffpauir .453
GREAT QUESTION!
CARRIE: Millar and Tracy are competing for a spot just like Hoffpauir, who would be the first to tell you he didn’t play as well as he should have in June/July, when he hit .182 and .194, respectively. Of the three, Tracy is more versatile and has played outfield, third and first. He has a career .280 batting average, including .297 against right-handers. Millar, who is primarily a first baseman, fared better last year against lefties, hitting .250 compared to .191 against right-handers. It depends on what the Cubs need.
You might say the Cubs are looking for something in Hoffpauir. What that is, is hard to define.
I live in Iowa…
Thanks for the heads-up that this question will be dumb.
…and every year I have a Cubs Opening Day party with 15 or so of my best friends.
I don’t think you understand what “best” means.
I hear this year the opening game is going to be on WCIU. Why would they do something like that?
– Shane S., Vinton, Iowa
American missionaries were charged with kidnapping Haitian children. WHY WOULD THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
An arsonist is burning down churches in Texas. WHY WOULD THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
A lady in Chicago abandoned her kid at a firehouse. WHY WOULD THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WCIU is showing the Cubs’ Opening Day game. WHY WOULD THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
I’m just not feeling it.
CARRIE: You can send out the invites if you get ESPN. The Cubs are expected to be part of ESPN’s Opening Day package; they just haven’t officially announced it yet.
“Please send me an invitation. I’m so lonely.”
We are traveling to Cooperstown in July to see my childhood hero, Andre Dawson, inducted into the Hall of Fame. We have never been to the Hall before. Do you have any advice on how to do this trip on a budget?
Simple. Make your budget $30,000. You’ll have the time of your LIFE.
We are traveling by car.
Okay, $20,000.
This is a lifelong dream to go there. I’ve always wanted to wait until “The Hawk” got in, and now we are excited to go. Thank you.
– Daniel M., Benton, Ky.
No, thank YOU. Your excitement is oozing out of my monitor like pus.
CARRIE: I’d start searching the Internet immediately for lodging in Cooperstown. There are some great bed and breakfast places and hotels in the town, but understand that many are reserved a year in advance. If you can’t find lodging in town, try for someplace on Interstate 88 near Oneonta, N.Y. Bring comfortable shoes. Be prepared to walk — that’s the best way to enjoy Cooperstown and the Hall and the Clark Sports Center, where the ceremony takes place.
Beat writer, librarian, Ed Hartig’s dominatrix, TRAVEL AGENT. Is there anything she can’t do?
CARRIE: There’s some seating where the ceremony is held, but it’s reserved, and most people bring lawn chairs and blankets to stake out a space. Your lodging host should help you with timing on that. Some B&B’s have pre- and post-ceremony parties. Throw an umbrella in the car, too. It can be hot. Don’t forget a camera. Hall of Famers are everywhere.
Write short sentences. They are easier to read. They don’t have to be connected. I wrote some of this on my phone. You’re reading the Internet. Umbrellas are cold.
CARRIE: Check the Cooperstown Chamber of Commerce Web site for tips. It’s an incredible experience and a trip there should be on every baseball fan’s bucket list.
Every Cub Fan’s Bucket List:
- Go to Cooperstown.
- Meet Ronnie Woo-Woo.
- Pay $150 to sit on a rooftop 600 feet from home plate.
- Eventually die, I guess.
- Sing the 7th-Inning Stretch (they have to get around to me at SOME point, right?).
- Ironically drink Old Style.
- Get my picture taken in front of the marquee.
- Hurl racial slurs at Milton Bradley’s kid.
Add your bucket list items in the comments, you silly, silly Cubs fans.
