It has finally happened. After reading the dumbest of the dumb questions submitted by Cubs fans to the Muskbox, her brain has finally snapped in twain. And now, they’re coming to take her away to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and she’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats. Where she’ll sit and answer questions with trees and flowers and chirping birds. She knows she laughed, I heard her laugh, she laughed, she laughed and laughed and then she left, but now you know she’s utterly mad. In this week’s Muskbox, we’re heading to the loony bin with all-you-can-eat prescription drugs like torizine and lithium, and electric shock, and insulin.

I see that the Cubs signed Nady.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

I know when he was with the Pirates, he killed us, especially in Wrigley.

Time to die.

What are his career numbers at Wrigley? I think the Cubs could definitely use him as a backup to Kosuke Fukudome and Alfonso Soriano.
– Mark A., Momence, Ill.

You’re travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land where all of the Momence that pass you by are full of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

CARRIE: Nady has a career .304 average in 28 games at Wrigley Field with two homers, eight doubles, and 15 RBIs — and it wasn’t just with the Pirates that he had success on the Cubs’ home field. In 2005 while with the Padres, Nady batted .421 (8-for-19) against the Cubs and was 6-for-12 at Wrigley, including a game April 13 when he went 4-for-4 in an 8-3 San Diego win. On Aug. 4, 2006, he was 4-for-5 with two RBIs in the Pirates’ 6-0 win over the Cubs at Wrigley, and that year, went 12-for-34 at the Friendly Confines. On May 8, 2007, Nady had another four-hit game at Wrigley to help the Pirates win, 4-3. In his career against the Cubs, he’s a .299 hitter in 45 games with five homers, 14 doubles, and 24 RBIs. The number the Cubs like is .308 — that’s Nady’s career average against left-handers.

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I’m pretty optimistic about Zambrano this year. He seems to have a better attitude and looks to be in better shape. Is there any way the Cubs could hire a shrink to work with him in the dugout between innings? Considering his $90 million contract, this could be good insurance. Are there any other options out there for keeping him sane?
– James P., Naperville, Ill.

All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.
All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy. All pitching and no play makes Carlos a dull boy.

CARRIE: My neighbors are retired psychiatrists…

Retired? No, no. Not retired. Ever-researching. WATCHING. STUDYING. LEARNING. Knowing my habits. When I sleep. When I eat. When I smile. When I cry. Their eyes. Their eyes see through my SOUL. They never blink. They never look away. I can feel them in my BRAIN.

CARRIE: …they prefer that term — and Cubs fans, and both have offered their services.

Take them up on it. They’ll take you someplace nice and clean. A happy place. Open fields. Trees. Birds.

DARKNESS.

Rabbits. Squirrels. The colors are so bright. You’ll be so happy there. No one will hurt you.

CARRIE: I’d prefer to leave the analyzing to pitching coach Larry Rothschild. Both manager Lou Piniella and GM Jim Hendry talked to Zambrano after the ’09 season ended, about how important it was for him to show up in shape this year. He looked fit and trim at the Cubs Convention. I think he was a little embarrassed by last year’s numbers.

NO MORE HANGING BREAKING BALLS!

CARRIE: “Carlos has something to prove this year,” Piniella said. “He’s coming off a nine-win season. Everybody knows that he’s a lot better than that. Truthfully — and I don’t want to put any pressure on him — but this is a young man who should approach 20 wins every year with his stuff and physique. Hopefully, this is the year he gets to that.”

Insanity laughs under pressure we’re breaking.
Why can’t we give Z one more chance?
Why can’t we give Z one more chance?
Why can’t we give Z, give Z, give Z, give Z…
‘Cause wins are such an old-fashioned stat,
And I dare you to look at some numbers,
Like whiffs per nine innings,
And perhaps his ERA+,
Both of which have been consistent.
This is his last chance.
This is his last chance.
This is Carlos…UNDER PRESSURE!

I heard the Cubs are staying in Arizona. If this is true, how come there are still talks about moving to Florida? Also, how long would the contract be for the Cubs if they did stay in Arizona?
– Justin G., McHenry, Ill.

Well, let me take a quick look at the contract, which is WRITTEN IN BLOOD ON THE SKIN OF A VIRGIN (Mike Fontenot).

LOCATION: The closest thing to Hell on Earth Arizona
PAYMENT: The souls of a million wailing unborn babies.
TERM: Eternity.

CARRIE: The folks in Naples, Fla., haven’t given up hope. The Cubs have approved Mesa’s proposal for a Spring Training facility and new stadium and have given the city exclusive negotiating rights. However, the Arizona state legislature still has to address financing the project and a referendum must be approved by Mesa voters in November. Although no official deadline was set, Mesa has one year to get everything together. If the city can’t get the money or the land, then the Cubs would consider Naples again. The Cubs’ deal with Mesa would be for 25 years.

“The dedicated civic leaders involved with Project Home Run and the State of Florida remain ready to bring the Cubs to Naples should the remaining hurdles to a binding agreement not be overcome,” Florida Gov. Charlie Crist said last week.

THE MERE UTTERING OF HIS NAME HAS BROKEN THE CONTRACT! WE ARE FREE FROM THIS TERROR!

CARRIE: “The Ricketts family has been open and honest, and I wish them well. Florida stands ready to step in.”

Who is the Ricketts family? They’re supposed to be English. Some say their father was German. Nobody believed they were real. Nobody ever saw them or knew anybody that ever worked directly for them, but to hear Crist tell it, anybody could have worked for the Rickettses. You never knew. That was their power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world they didn’t exist. And like that, poof. They’re gone.

Any more news on whether the Cubs will retire Dawson’s number? I know they said they would retire it if he went into the Hall of Fame as a Cub, but I think they should retire No. 8 anyways. Greg Maddux most likely will go into the Hall as a Brave and the Cubs retired his number. Also, I think it’s garbage he’s going in as an Expo. If he wants to go in as a Cub, let him go in as a Cub. It was his career and he knows which organization he benefited with and associates himself with the most. Plus, the Expos have a total of about 17 fans while there are millions of Cubs fans who would appreciate it more.
– Joshua S., Elmhurst, Ill.

There are millions of us, you know. We’re in your schools. We’re making your food. We’re rubbing up against you on the El. We’re fixing your copy machine. We’re screaming at a tree in Grant Park. We’re building your bridges. We’re wearing six layers of shirts, even though it’s July.

WE’RE WRITING YOUR MUSKBOX QUESTIONS.

CARRIE: I don’t think the Cubs have said anything regarding Dawson’s No. 8. There are other Cubs players who had stellar careers — including some in the Hall of Fame — whose numbers have not been retired. What about Charlie Grimm, Stan Hack, Phil Cavarretta, Gabby Hartnett, Charlie Root, Billy Herman and Kiki Cuyler?

Because they’re all DEAD, Carrie. THEY’RE ALL DEAD! How will they give their speeches? FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE???

CARRIE: As far as the cap issue, Dawson’s first choice was to wear a Cubs cap. In 2001, the Hall of Fame changed its policy on cap logo selection (there were rumors that players were being offered incentives to pick a team). Gary Carter was the first player affected in 2003. He wanted to go into Cooperstown wearing a Mets cap, even though he had played five years in New York and 12 with the Expos. The Hall decided Carter’s plaque would show him wearing an Expos cap. Cubs fans should celebrate Dawson’s induction, no matter what cap he wears, and hopefully, they outnumber your 17 Expos backers in Cooperstown, N.Y., at the ceremony.

It doesn’t matter which hat he wears. He’s one of us now. One of us! One of us! One of us!

When do individual game tickets go on sale?
– Gary I., Decatur, Tenn.

At twenty feet after green.

CARRIE: Last year, they went on sale Feb. 20, so look for an announcement soon as to the date, times and procedures. Sorry, I don’t get a heads up.

The only head I got is still sitting in my freezer next to the ram’s blood.