Earlier this week, Ernie Banks urged Sammy Sosa to come clean about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. Rather than take the advice of the Cub Hall of Famer, Sosa instead urged Banks to reveal that he is moonlighting as annoying, self-appointed Cub mascot, Ronnie “Woo Woo” Wickers.

The evidence, according to Sosa, is overwhelming. “Have you ever seen Ronnie Woo Woo and Ernie Banks in the same alley behind the same restaurant fighting over a ham bone? No,” Sosa said. “What did Bad Kermit buy Ernie Banks when he met him? A bottle of wine. And what does Ronnie Woo Woo always smell like? I mean, other than feces? Wine.”

Sosa found it suspicious that Wickers’ arrival on the scene coincided with Banks’ best professional season. “Ronnie allegedly showed up at Wrigley in 1958, the same year that Ernie led the league in home runs and RBIs,” Sosa stated. “That is a berry, berry big coincidence, don’t you think?”

Sosa claims that the evidence is physical. “Have you seen Ernie’s teeth?” Sosa asked. “They’re perfect. They’re the kind of teeth you might be able to purchase if you had they were funded by the people of Wrigleyville.”

When told of Sosa’s comments, Banks said, “No. Woo! Comment. Woo!”