Hire Jim Essian

Look, maybe Mark McGwire did some stuff right, and maybe he did some stuff wrong. Who’s to say? Not me, not the Hall of Fame voters, and not anyone who has a memory of longer than about a week. Don’t forget to come out to Shitty O’Kea’s at 8:00 tonight, and don’t forget, as always, to send your much-appreciated Roundup tips to me. All of your tips are Hall of Famers to me.

• Mark Grace loves his penis more than he loves his career.
• A hot, young blond girl who can’t open her mouth? Awesome! Oh, no wait. Her face fell off. (NSFLunchtime)
• Great moments in sports history as lived by a guy who is just like me.
• I’m not entirely sure how you can include a list of classic movie line improvisations without including Empire Strikes Back, but somehow, it happened.
• Seventh Inning ‘Stache is worth reading all the time, and they’re doing a series about mustache hall of fame players. Guess who made the list?
• I don’t know what Facebook is, and I don’t like it. I do know what Jay Leno is, and I don’t like it, either.
• Speaking of Leno, what NBC is doing to Conan O’Brien is criminal, but I’m glad at least Conan can laugh it off.
• Enjoy this NSFW look at a diagram detailing the frequency that different body parts appear in several genres of music.
• Going back in time in some perverse attempt to sleep with your own grandmother? Weirdo. Don’t forget to bring your own weapons, and your time travel cheat sheet.
• OMFG! They totally found my BFF, the Facebook bandit!
• The Notre Dame band has always done some excellent stuff during halftime shows, so allow me a brief moment to share this. Or don’t allow me. I don’t care. It’s our site.
• I probably missed it when it was going around in 2008, but Adam Dunn’s prank call of Marty Brennaman is pretty funny. (HT: Section 242)
  
• A bunch of nerds make some of your favorite movies even better. Be sure to check out the total madness of the in-depth explanation of the Star Wars theory. (HT: CT)
• Finally, punctuation and sarcasm are SO COOL again.
• Want to get rid of your arthritis pain? It’s simple. Just get bit by a FUCKING COBRA.
• Apparently, they get REALLY pissed about blown saves in Venezuela.
• The differences between men and women, GOOGLE-STYLE!
• Is TDubbs writing headlines now? (HT: Luis)
• William Shakespeare rewrites The Big Lebowski. All of The Big Lebowski. And it’s awesome.
• World’s Strongest…Van?
• Harold Reynolds really loves himself.
• Stick with it, because the reasons chicks cry gets funnier as you read.
• You want to make a good Indy 5, Harrison? KILL GEORGE LUCAS.
• You get your weekly dose of nightmare fuel and your weekly new favorite site all in one place this week. Nic Cage as Everyone is absolutely incredible. Observe.
  
  
  
  
  

One quick serious note before I go. If you have a God to which you pray, send some prayers to the people of Haiti. Then, if you can afford it, send some money. Or you can even text a donation. Have a safe and happy weekend. Maybe I’ll show up at Shitty’s tonight.

But probably not.

-Sweet Uncle Lou