When we last left the Muskbox, she was spinning cliches, raising Ed Hartig from the dead, and boring us with contract information. This week’s Muskbox goes Milton Bradley crazy, continues to pound the non-issue of Spring Training relocation, and sets a record for the longest Muskbox this once-innocent earth has ever known.

After the 2008 season, there was an argument that the Cubs’ lineup was too right-handed and to be more competitive in the playoffs, we needed to have more balance. The Milton Bradley experiment didn’t work, but aren’t we right back to where we were with the signing of Marlon Byrd? Why the about face in philosophy?
– Joe H., Ashland, Mo.

To be fair, they were equally as competitive in the 2009 playoffs as they were during the 2008 playoffs.

CARRIE: In a perfect world, the lineup would be more balanced (look at the Phillies) I think the Cubs overreacted after the ’08 playoffs, especially since that team won 97 regular-season games. The Cubs now say they want the best hitters, not necessarily the best left-right combo.

Filling your lineup with good hitters instead of a switch-hitting Aaron Miles? What a novel concept.

CARRIE: Here’s a comment from Lou Piniella at the Winter Meetings last month when asked the same thing:

“I don’t think it matters any more,” Piniella said. “Let’s keep people healthy on the field and let them produce. Sometimes you get in a situation where the player you specifically want is not there and you start forcing things Let’s get the best player that we possibly can and go from there.”

That best player’s name? Marlon Byrd.

CARRIE: Byrd may be a right-handed hitter, but his numbers against right-handed pitchers were better (.300) than against lefties (.244) last season. Derrek Lee batted .300 against lefties, .308 against righties in ’09; Aramis Ramirez hit .350 vs. lefties, .312 vs. righties. It doesn’t matter to them. If Kosuke Fukudome is more consistent and Mike Fontenot hits the way he did in the second half of ’08 (.360), the Cubs are balanced.

I have another way to balance the Cubs. Have everyone sit on one side of a seesaw, and then have Carlos Silva move to the other side.

Dawson said, “For the most part of six years I was there, I really enjoyed the reception and the fact that I got to play in front of fans who really didn’t put any pressure on you.” Is there any chance Bradley reads the Cubs mailbag?
– Jesse P., Ashland, Wis.

Nope. Even Milton Bradley is smart enough to avoid the Muskbox.

CARRIE: I’m guessing Bradley hasn’t bookmarked the site.

And he’ll NEVER find his way back to the cleverly-disguised Cubs.com! MUAHAHAHAHAAA!

Any thoughts on the Cubs’ retiring the Hawk’s No. 8? Now that he’s in the Hall, I would think that’s a no-brainer. I would love to see another flag flying on the right-field foul pole.
– Ronnie K., Glen Ellyn, Ill.

That will be delightful. They can do a ceremony and retire number 8 for Dawson, Alex Gonzalez, and Michael Barrett!

CARRIE: I’m sure coach Mike Quade would give up No. 8 for Dawson. We could get word at the Cubs Convention.

I bet he would, too. Quade loves Dawson. Why, I bet he’d give his right eyebrow for Dawson!

I need to know the date of the Cubs game when Dawson was ejected. I was very young when it aired so I couldn’t even tell you what year it was. It stands out because he threw an armful of bats and other equipment out of the dugout onto the field.
– Michael K., North Port, Fla.

“They have a gun in my mouth! If I don’t tell them the date of the game when Dawson was ejected, they swore they’d make me watch them eat my dog, kill my family, and burn my Bible!”

CARRIE: It was July 23, 1991, against the Reds. Dawson was called out on strikes by home-plate umpire Joe West, and then bumped West and was tossed. Dawson proceeded to throw anything and everything onto the field. That was the same game in which Rob Dibble threw a ball at Doug Dascenzo’s back as he ran to first.

He hit Dascenzo? I didn’t realize Dibble had such amazing control.

CARRIE: It was not July 7, 1987, although that was an important Dawson moment, too. In that game, Dawson had homered in the first inning off San Diego’s Eric Show, who hit the Cubs’ right fielder in the face with a pitch in the third. Greg Maddux started that game for the Cubs, and in the Padres’ fourth, he hit Benito Santiago with a pitch and was ejected. The Cubs won, 7-5, and Dawson suffered a lacerated lip and bruised left cheekbone. He was able to pinch-hit on July 10 and back in the lineup the next day.

And seven years later, BOOM! Show died.

This is my 33rd year as a true blue Cubbie fan…

God dammit, dude.

…and I’ve been reading with great interest about the Cubs going to Florida for Spring Training. Although I ultimately want what’s best for the team and what would give us the best chance to win, a move to Florida would really upset the retirement plan for my wife and me. Now, granted, we’re only 33 years old, but we’d like to move to the Mesa area once our retirement age is achieved, and a big part of that move was to be regular attendees to all things Cubs. We love Arizona, the climate, the culture, the Cubbies — and we don’t want to retire to swampy, buggy, rainy Florida. Please let the Ricketts family know here’s one couple who would prefer the Cubs to grow and stay in Arizona.
– Buck C., Arthur, Ill.

Dear Ricketts family,

The worst couple ever wants to watch the Cubs play in Arizona 30 years from now, so can you please ignore any opportunity you have to increase revenue or do what’s best for the team in the next three or four decades to pander to some moron and his wife? Thanks!

Love,
Kermit

CARRIE: You’re not alone. Mesa leaders are drafting a bill to be introduced in the state legislature to finance a new complex if the Cubs decide to stay in Arizona. The bill would build on the present model which raises tourism-related fees. However, it will still be tough for them to come up with money for the project. Meanwhile, the Collier County hotel association has said it will support using the lodging tax towards a facility if the Cubs move to Naples, Fla. There will be representatives from Mesa and Naples at the Cubs Convention this weekend to campaign for their sites. I’ve covered Spring Training in both states and really enjoy the shorter drive times between sites in Arizona.

FOR SALE: 1987 Oldsmobile. Low mileage. Driven by a little old lady back and forth to Cubs games on Sundays.

CARRIE: It may come down to that — how much time does the team want the players to spend on the bus?

With Dempster’s hilarious impressions and fart jokes to keep them entertained? HOURS!

CARRIE: A decision on where the Cubs will go was expected this month.

It was? What changed? What do they expect now?

I just realized Lee’s contract will expire at the end of this year. Has there been any talk about offering him an extension? It would be hard to replace a Gold Glove-caliber first baseman with the amount of power and plate discipline he has at the plate. Granted, he doesn’t run as fast as he used to, but that was icing on the cake. This time next year, I’ll be asking the same thing about Ramirez. Both Lee and Ramirez play the game, as Ryne Sandberg would say, the way it is supposed to be played.
– Michael K., Terre Haute, Ind.

They use a bat to hit the ball, they use a glove to catch the ball, and they run around the bases counter-clockwise. THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!!

CARRIE: Haven’t heard any whispers about an extension for Lee or anyone else.

Oh, come on, Carrie. You’re a librarian. Shouldn’t you, of all people, be aware that “not being heard” is one of the crucial components of whispering? That, and occasionally talking to horses and ghosts. The fact that you couldn’t hear them makes me think the Cub front office kicks ass at whispering.

With the Cubs needing to find a center fielder for next season, why didn’t they look in-house at Sam Fuld?

Because he sucks.

Byrd is a good ballplayer, but he’s 32 and will be 35 when his contract is up. Fuld is younger, faster and could become an excellent leadoff hitter.

Also, whiter.

Last season, he posted a .409 OBP and can steal the odd base…

Which base is that? Third base? FIRST base?

…which would fix two of our needs: acquiring a legit leadoff hitter and a center fielder. Plus, Fuld’s defense is top notch, and he is willing to run through a wall to make a play.

Sign Bump Bailey!

Fuld has shown in the Minors that he will strike out less than he walks and has great plate discipline.

He has to have great discipline so no one notices that he doesn’t have any power.

My only reasoning is that the Cubs didn’t want to have another Fontenot situation in that a player they gave a starting job to didn’t look ready and had a tough year. If the Cubs management didn’t feel Fuld was ready, why didn’t they try to sign a veteran outfielder for one or two seasons than the three they gave Byrd? With the money they would have saved, they could have added another reliable arm for the bullpen.
– Matt F., Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada

I’ll give you that last point, Canuck. However, if you’ve been paying attention during the Jim Hendry era, you will realize that every free agent contract that he hands out adheres to the following formula:

Term of the Contract = Reasonable Number of Years + x
Where x ≥ 1

CARRIE: If the Cubs brass felt Fuld could handle the job, they wouldn’t have signed Byrd.

No, they would have been too busy playing ragtime tunes at their church’s strawberry social.

CARRIE: The best center-field option among the free agents available, Byrd most likely insisted on a three-year deal.

To which Jim Hendry should have responded, “Go fuck yourself, then.”

What’s the status of Brad Snyder? Is he still a Cub?
– David A., Alton, Ill.

For him to “still” be a Cub, wouldn’t he have to have been a Cub at some point?

CARRIE: Snyder, who had a very good winter playing in Mexico, including a two-homer, six-RBI game in the playoffs, will be in the Cubs’ camp this spring as a non-roster invitee. The team will make an official announcement with all the names before the end of January.

All the names of what? The non-roster invitees? The people to whom Hop Sing’s Chinese food will not deliver? The McCarthy list? The characters who die during season six of Lost?

It appears as though a right-handed reliever who can handle late innings is the last major piece Jim Hendry is looking to add this offseason. What about Jose Valverde? He led the NL in saves in ’07 and ’08. He would be an outstanding addition, particularly as a fall back in case Carlos Marmol struggles. Would a one-year deal be too expensive for the Cubs? Would Valverde accept a lesser setup role?
– Ryan C., Carol Stream, Ill.

If the Cubs somehow managed to land that melodramatic turdstool and didn’t immediately make him the closer, then Greg Maddux is not doing his job.

CARRIE: Valverde is asking for $8 million per season, wants to be a closer and is a Type A free agent. His Type A status means any team that signs him will have to give up their first-round Draft pick in 2010. That’s a very pricey package.

Yeah, I’d hate for the Cubs to give up their first-round draft pick for an established, dominant closer. After all, Jim Hendry has a great track record with first-round draft picks:

2009 Brett Jackson
2008 Andrew Cashner
2007 Josh Vitters
2006 Tyler Colvin
2005 Mark Pawelek
2003 Ryan Harvey
2002 Bobby Brownlie
2001 Mark Prior
2000 Luis Montanez
1999 Ben Christiansen
1998 Corey Patterson
1997 Jon Garland
1996 Todd Noel
1995 Kerry Wood