Congratulations to Andre Dawson on his induction into the Hall of Fame. While my older sister was busy swooning over Ryne Sandberg, young Kermit’s Cubs of choice were Dawson, Maddux, and Grace. I’m choosing to ignore the stat heads whining that Dawson made a ton of outs. He did. I get it. But he did a bunch of other things very right, and once Jim Rice made it into the Hall of Fame, Dawson’s exclusion was inexcusable. Blueslacker shared a cool story about Dawson that I want to repeat here, just in case you missed it:

When I was a little kid and Dawson first came to town, he had a horrible slump. Everybody around here was pissing and moaning about what a disappointment he was and how he should be traded immediately. It was the first time I realized how abysmally daft most people are. Anyway, I wrote him a letter telling him how excited I was he was on the Cubs and how much I’d always enjoyed the rare chances I’d had to see him play when the Expos came to town/were on television. The guy somehow made the time to write a letter back to me, along with an autographed picture and card. Even as a kid I knew how rare it was to find a man willing to extend such an elegant gesture to a little kid from a small town in the middle of nowhere. This is the happiest I’ve ever been for any player.

Congratulations, Hawk. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Now, on to some things I’d like to have happen to the five dipshits who didn’t write a SINGLE NAME on their Hall of Fame ballots.

To those five, I hope at his eventual induction, Roberto Alomar gets to spit in your faces. I hope Bert Blyleven gets to fart in your mouths as you sleep.





These are not five guys who forgot to turn in their Hall of Fame ballots on time. These are five guys who looked over the ballot, didn’t see a single Hall of Fame-worthy name, and took the time to send in a blank ballot. I’m sure these five mouthbreathers are making some sort of “statement.” Since they didn’t vote for should-be Hall of Famers Dawson, Blyleven, and Alomar, I’m assuming the statement is, “I don’t like anyone who hits home runs, strikes out batters, plays excellent defense, wins MVP awards, and turns in amazing post-season performances (Dawson excluded; sorry, Andre).”

These lowlifes are the same people whining that Avatar sucks because “it’s the same story as Pocahontas.” These five hoopleheads are the ones who think that Lost is terrible because “the time travel is too hard to follow.” They complain about Keeley Hazell’s teeth and the weather in San Diego. They’re the five people who don’t like The Beatles. They’re contrarian misfits who hate all of the things that you like. They’re miserable, miserable human beings, and I think the Hall of Fame committee should examine their votes and seriously consider taking them away entirely.

Do you really want a make a statement, you five fools? Reveal yourselves and explain to us why you thought no player was worthy of your vote. At least then we’ll have a chance to explain to you why you’re so stupid. Don’t worry. We’ll use small words.