Since “everyone” on the “staff” at HJE has managed to achieve social perfection, “we” decided to (not really) ask for the New Year’s resolutions of your favorite Cubs (including new Cub Marlon Byrd). And your least favorite Cubs. And some other people.

  • Jim Hendry: Sign a player to a deal for fewer than three years that doesn’t include a full no-trade clause. Add 11 more second basement to the roster. See what the Giants want for DeRosa.
  • Marlon Byrd: Make everyone forget about the bad Milton Bradley contract. And the Kosuke Fukudome contract. And the Alfonso Soriano contract. And the Juan Pierre trade. And the Jacque Jones contract. And the Jeromy Burnitz contract. And Felix Pie. And Matt Murton. And Corey Patterson. Don’t let the horribly racist fans in the bleachers get under my skin.
  • Carlos Silva: Rise to the top of the B127. Pitch well enough to be the fifth starting in the super-competitive Cub rotation. I feel like if I can anchor the back end of that staff, we have a legitimate shot of winning the Pacific Coast League under Ryne Sandberg.
  • Lou Piniella: Continue being perfect.
  • Rudy Jaramillo: Lead the fleet to Earth. Confront Saul Tigh about his drinking problem and him being a Cylon.
  • David Patton: Somehow, stay on an MLB roster for a second full year. Invent SPF 8,000.
  • Jeff Baker: Lose some of this excess chin weight.
  • Ron Santo: Stay healthy throughout the- Oh, GEEZ! I spilled my coffee all over my lap! WHY DO THINGS LIKE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?
  • Pat Hughes: Find a new job.
  • Koyie Hill: Don’t cut off anything that might need to be stitched back on.
  • Aramis Ramirez: Make it through an entire cockfight without giggling.
  • Angel Guzman: Distance myself from this nightmare.
  • Ryan Theriot: Move to second base, and finally experience the joy of throwing to first without crow-hopping.
  • Derrek Lee: Save one of my monster seasons for a year when we actually make the playoffs.
  • Geovany Soto: Be aware that all of us are these insignificant little specks on a pebble that is just flying through the galaxy faster than anything you can think of. It’s so awesome that we stay stuck to the ground, and we don’t just go flying off into space.
    /looks around
    //grabs onto floor
  • Starlin Castro: Explain to Phil Rogers that I don’t have an “inside line” to Cuban cigars, and that it makes me uncomfortable when he shouts “La Revolucion!” at me.
  • Milton Bradley: Finish the t-shirt quilt I’ve been working on. Write more letters to grandma. Get a puppy. Take time to stop and smell the roses. Ask out the cute girl who lives on my block. Make everyone in Chicago kiss my dick tip.
  • Larry Rothschild: Inexplicably survive yet another coaching change.
  • Jim Essian: Take over for Lou. First order of business? Fire Rothschild.
  • John Grabow: Try not to be Will Ohman.
  • Carlos Marmol: Look into this “strike zone” that everyone is always talking about.
  • Carlos Zambrano: Win the 16″ slow-pitch men’s league in Forest Park.
  • Chad Fox: Have a career-ending injury. For serious, this time.
  • Kosuke Fukudome: With the bat make the time of the beautiful being far, happier pleasure. Many times send to the sphere of the traveling flight which is splendid in the seat and zooms. (Ed: Not racist. Blame Babelfish.)
  • Alfonso Soriano: Stop being dependent on the hop as a timing mechanism, but continue using it anyhow just to spite the meatheads who say it affects my defense.
  • Ryan Dempster: Start preparing today for April Fools’ Day, so I don’t have to do something last-minute again, like call Lilly’s wife and tell her he’s been arrested for murder. In hindsight, I wonder why she didn’t completely freak out.
  • Ted Lilly: Go on a hunting trip with Dempster.