Hire Jim Essian

Hello, insufferable Lost fans! I'm sure you're letting your geek flags fly this weekend in anticipation of the most highly-anticipated season of television since- Well, ever, probably. WILL the hydrogen bomb stop Flight 815 from ever crashing? WHY did Jacob run around touching little children? WHEN did Locke grow bigger boobs than Kate? HOW ... Read More

Earlier this week, Ernie Banks urged Sammy Sosa to come clean about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. Rather than take the advice of the Cub Hall of Famer, Sosa instead urged Banks to reveal that he is moonlighting as annoying, self-appointed Cub mascot, Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers. The evidence, according to Sosa, is overwhelming. "Have you ever seen Ronnie ... Read More

Get ready for a bunch of amazingly stupid "X" jokes. If Xavier Nady can successfully turn his head and cough while Mark O'Neal is cupping his balls, he's going to be a Cub. Yes, that article contains the first of your stupid "X" jokes. Nady has had two Tommy John surgeries. As a position player. That's about ... Read More

This week's Muskbox accomplishes a nearly impossible feat. It's unprecedented. An entire Muskbox passes without a single relevant question about an actual starting player on the Major League baseball club. How is that possible? Only the Muskbox knows for sure. Did I miss the big announcement on where the Cubs' future Spring Training site will be? -- Judy ... Read More

As you know, I love being right at the absolute forefront of all your base are belong to us internet memes, so when I saw that Google mining became popular about six months ago, I jumped right on that trend! Some of the things you can learn about people from their Google habits should not be learned. And ... Read More

Hey, there, gang! Skip has been falling behind in his comment selection, so this week, you get two comments for the price of one. How exciting is that? Our first comment was turned in by our old pal, Mark Giangreco Roman Wrestler: If Mike Quade reads this blog, he is so gonna paint slanted eyebrows on his forehead to signify ... Read More

Yes, HJE's official stance is to still talk about Mark McGwire. And, yes, we're going to continue talking about Mark McGwire until we're done. It's easier when you hear fun reactions from former players, like Ferguson Jenkins' threat to throw a pitch at McGwire's massive head. Carlton Fisk even got in on the act this week. ... Read More

I cannot get Mark McGwire out of my head. I felt his tears in the freezing rain last night. I see his pores in every bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. I remember his 62nd home run with every fat child I lift over my head. I won't be able to look at Ryan Dempster's ironic goatee ... Read More

I was a little worried about Carrie after last week's Muskbox. After all her talk about Milton Bradley, I assumed he had come to life and captured her, especially when we didn't see her at Kitty O'Shea's Friday night. But, sure enough, the Muskbox is too dumb to even realize it is mortal. Who will be the Cubs leadoff ... Read More

Look, maybe Mark McGwire did some stuff right, and maybe he did some stuff wrong. Who's to say? Not me, not the Hall of Fame voters, and not anyone who has a memory of longer than about a week. Don't forget to come out to Shitty O'Kea's at 8:00 tonight, and don't forget, as always, to send ... Read More