Last week, we left the Muskbox on a romantic beach stroll with Ryan Theriot. This week, she’s dining with Jim Edmonds, praising Scotty Pods, and MURDERING LIVING THINGS.

What are the chances of the Cubs looking hard at re-signing Reed Johnson now that Mike Cameron is with the Red Sox? Reed was an absolute asset when healthy. How about finding what Jim Edmonds is up to these days? That’s a left-handed bat who can platoon and help in center. If he still wants to play, maybe the price would be good. That way, Tyler Colvin would have time to develop and mature.
– Nicky D., Port Washington, Wis.

At this point in his career, I’m assuming the only way Jim Edmonds can help in center is if he’s actually allowed to play out there at the same time as the starting center fielder. I have confusingly, disturbingly fond memories of Jim Edmonds’ time in Chicago. Let’s let those memories rest like Jim Hendry during the Winter Meetings.

CARRIE: You said it: Johnson was great when healthy. He could still come back to the Cubs, depending on who GM Jim Hendry is able to acquire.

For example, if Jim Hendry is able to acquire Reed Johnson, Reed Johnson could still come back to the Cubs.

CARRIE: As for Edmonds, next time you’re in St. Louis, check out his “15 Restaurant.”

The next time I’m in St. Louis, I’m going to finish changing my flat tire and get the hell back on I-55 as soon as possible.

CARRIE: Colvin does need more time. He fell behind after undergoing Tommy John elbow ligament replacement surgery at the end of the 2008 season. He sure looked good in center at the end of the ’09 season with the Cubs.

That tall drink of water sure did look good out there. Where he didn’t look good was at the plate and on my scorecard, where he posted a .426 OPS in 20 plate appearances.

With Milton Bradley out of the picture, are the Cubs planning on going after Scott Podsednik? I think it’s a good gamble considering he had a good year this past season, and he would bring a leadoff hitter plus speed, which Lou Piniella wants.
– Alex P., St. Louis Park, Minn.

Other good gambles, in Alex P.’s opinion:

• The Washington Generals over the Harlem Globetrotters
• The Bears over the Vikings next Monday night
• Brittany Murphy will win Best Supporting Actress for 8 Mile 2

CARRIE: When Podsednik is healthy, he can be really good offensively, as he was with the White Sox for most of 2009.

No, when Podsednik is healthy and PLAYING COMPLETELY OVER HIS HEAD, he can be Juan Pierre. When I’m sitting in the stands at 80 years old chatting up the now blue-haired Trixies with the faded, wrinkled tramp stamps, I don’t want to have to explain to the eight-year-old kid next to me why the Cubs had BOTH Juan Pierre and Scott Podsednik. I’m sure there will be all sorts of new swear words invented at that point, but it still won’t be enough.

CARRIE: But the Sox, looking to upgrade defensively, chose to go in a different direction and sign Juan Pierre. That should tell you something.

That Podsednik absolutely sucks in the outfield, and Pierre sucks slightly less?

CARRIE: Podsednik is a classic leadoff man, providing speed at the top of the order and the ability to steal bases.

No, he’s a classic Dusty Baker leadoff man, who doesn’t really get on base all that much, who, despite his speed, isn’t a good base stealer, and who brings all of the excitement of ALMOST beating out a drag bunt every once in a while. I love it when the crowd goes, “YEA- OHHHH!!!!!”

CARRIE: He also played more left than center.

And more DH than right, in case you’re wondering. Look, the fact that Podsednik can’t play center field isn’t because he played more left than center. It’s because he’s just not a good defensive baseball player.

CARRIE: The next Cubs center fielder doesn’t have to be the leadoff man.

DUSTY BAKER: Wrong again, dude. I thought the only reason Lou was considering moving Theriot to second base was so he could bat him second in the lineup.

CARRIE: Free agent Marlon Byrd, whom the club is considering, would fit in the fifth spot of the order.

So, where does Soriano hit? Sixth? That’s dumb. I’m just going to assume the worst: that the Cubs sign Byrd, and that Theriot is still somehow in this lineup at second base. Here’s what I’d do:

2B Theriot
RF Fukudome
1B Lee
3B Ramirez
LF Soriano
CF Byrd
C Soto
SS Castro

You know, if Soriano and Ramirez stay healthy, and Soto bounces back, and Castro is as good as he- Oh, God dammit, Cubs.

CARRIE: Ultimately, it may depend on which player fits better on the payroll.

TRANSLATION: I hope you like Sam Fuld!

CARRIE: Blayne S. from Russellville, Ark., asked why the Cubs aren’t keeping Kosuke Fukudome in center and look for a right fielder. Fukudome was an excellent right fielder and average in center. The baseball cliche is you want to be strong up the middle, and the Cubs want to be better in center.

Blayne’s e-mail was, presumably, so riddled with profanity, yet so thought-provoking, that Carrie was forced to paraphrase it. Well played, Blayne.

Why is there no talk about Orlando Hudson to fill — count ‘em — two needs? He’s a switch-hitting leadoff hitter who finds a way on base, steals one, gets bunted over and scores and is a definite upgrade defensively. Here’s a lineup: Hudson, Ryan Theriot, Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez. That’s a lot of RBIs and runs. Why can’t we lock him up for three years until Starlin Castro is ready?
– Tommy M., LaSalle, Ill.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. That’s EIGHT needs, liar. I’d love to have Hudson, meaning there’s absolutely no way the Cubs will get him. Sorry.

CARRIE: One, it’s not going to take Castro that long.

This question and answer has been brought to you by The Count. ONE point refuted! HA HA HA!

CARRIE: Two, the Cubs don’t need any more players locked up to long-term deals (ex., Alfonso Soriano, Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano, Fukudome).

TWO points refuted! HA HA HA!

CARRIE: The Cubs feel a combination of Mike Fontenot, Jeff Baker and Andres Blanco can do the job.

It can. You stitch Blanco’s defense to Baker’s bat, then hot glue on Fontenot’s left-handedness at the plate, and you have yourself a Major League second baseman.

Why aren’t the Cubs making any effort to get a big-name player? It seems like every other team is soaking up free agents and the Cubs are sitting back and watching.

Gross.

Why not spend the cash to get a key player or players and make a championship run now, not five years down the line with prospects who haven’t proven themselves yet. Where’s the logic?
– Alan S., Oak Lawn, Ill.

The logic is that one key player does not make this a championship team. Two key players might, assuming those key players are Babe Ruth in his prime and Walter Johnson in his prime.

CARRIE: Here’s their mindset: The core of the team that won 97 games in 2008 is still in place.

And zero playoff games. Zero.

CARRIE: They’re counting on better performances from Soriano, Fontenot, Zambrano and Geovany Soto.

I agree that Soriano and Zambrano will likely both have better 2010 seasons than their 2009 seasons. But what in the past would lead this silly little organization to believe that they should expect marked improvements in the performances of Fontenot and Soto? Is Crane Kenney going to baptism them, or something?

CARRIE: They don’t expect Aramis Ramirez to miss two months. They had 15 players on the disabled list 18 times for a total of 584 games missed.

And once Prior and Wood get healthy, they’re going to make a serious run at this thing.

CARRIE: The Cubs used the Opening Day lineup for three games. Three.

And then they all stopped and wondered why they played three Opening Days this season.

CARRIE: Hendry is making changes. He added Milton Bradley, Kevin Gregg, Aaron Heilman, Aaron Miles, and Joey Gathright prior to the 2009 season. They’re all gone. But, Alan S., it’s your turn to be GM. Which big-name free agent do you think the Cubs should sign — or should’ve signed?

Some call that “making changes.” I call that “correcting the horrendous mistakes he made during his absolutely incompetent previous offseason.”

With Sandberg moving up in the farm system, I remember the Peoria Chiefs played the other year at Wrigley. I was wondering if Sandberg is going to have the Iowa Cubs play at Wrigley for a game in 2010?
– Matt M., Chicago

Yes, and on his journey to Wrigley Field, Ryno is going to part the Des Plaines River so that he and his team might cross it safely.

CARRIE: The Iowa Cubs played at Wrigley on Aug. 9 against the Las Vegas 51s. Sandberg and the Peoria Chiefs did so in July 2008. It would appear to be Double-A Tennessee’s turn, but I haven’t heard anything.

You haven’t? HOW UNUSUAL!

With many fans unable to get to Wrigley because they live outside Chicago, have the Cubs ever thought of selling clippings of the ivy? I know several fans (myself included) who would love to be able to grow some Wrigley ivy at home.
– Daniel F., El Paso, Texas

I have a feeling that’s not all you’re growing in El Paso.

CARRIE: I’ve tried to grow the ivy from seeds and clippings, and have failed. It’s Boston ivy, so if you can find that in El Paso, good luck.

I knew we shouldn’t have let her take care of that four-foot patch of ivy in center field.