Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “I Slept with Tiger Woods” Edition


Image from Cracked.comWell, well, well. It looks like Tiger Woods has been knocked off his high horse, elevating me back up to the most talented athlete and beloved man of the decade. The line starts behind the shattered heart of Elin Nordegren, ladies. I’m a little late with the Roundup. Deal with it. Tips are always loved.

  • Mike D.’s rage gets a three-year extension.
  • I sure hope The Genius reminds him how many letters are in the alphabet. (HT: Luis)
  • Wow. Devin Hester suddenly got incredibly eloquent and loquacious.
  • My annual tradition is to watch A Christmas Story. It’s clearly the best Christmas movie ever, though Alistair Sim’s Scrooge is a close second. If you’ve always thought A Christmas Story needed a reboot, you’re in luck.
  • What if real life was like Facebook? Not that any of you would know, since you don’t have real lives. BURN. I don’t know how #17 or #9 didn’t win. Simple and awesome.
  • Leonard Bernstein!
  • Let this be a lesson to all of you men. No hot girls want you, so be careful.
  • Speaking of Facebook, all people are trying to do is reveal all the stupid little details of their lives. How can you be against that?
  • With great processing power comes zero responsibility.
  • Finally! A practical use for your college textbooks.
  • The law is almost never funny. Except when Batman sues Commissioner Gordon.
  • Only one more day until you can literally skate around Wrigley Field just like the franchise has been metaphorically doing since it opened.
  • Who in God’s name would pay $70 for an autographed Neifi Perez ball? (HT: Tom Trebelhorn)
  • Abner Doubleday infuriates everyone.
  • If you don’t already feel bad about your penis today, this should do the trick.
  • An octopus carrying a coconut is the most awkward thing since your high school prom.
  • Truly, he is the BEST man ever.
  • Let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp, the one that says “New Jersey Public Library”? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I’ve seen your type before. Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. What’s this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we’re too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn’t HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you’d better think again. This is about that kid’s right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Lancellotti (seriously?); maybe that’s how you get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy. Party time is over. You got seven days, Lancellotti (no, seriously?). That is one week!
  • The holidays are coming, and just about the only way to get through them is to distract yourself. Here are 9 weird card games that will help you do just that.
  • If you had to go colonize a planet, what would you bring? OTHER than Keeley Hazell.
  • Merry nightmare fuel!
  • When you’re done with that, here’s some boner fuel for you. (HT: Ned Ryerson) DISCLAIMER: DO NOT PUT FUEL OF ANY SORT ON YOUR BONER
  • Desperate? Need help? Go here.
  • The decade’s worst anal bum covers. Er- Ah, never mind.
  • My new favorite site of the week is WTF Comcast. Have you ever noticed some of the ridiculous descriptions on the Comcast info screen? You will. Now.

That’s all for me, kids. I think the Roundup will be early the next two weeks, since JESUS AND FATHER TIME ARE COMING. Or maybe I just won’t do it. You never know. I’m unpredictable. Happy weekend.

-Sweet Uncle Lou


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