When last we left the Muskbox, it was pining over Ryan Theriot, praising Rudy Jaramillo, discussing the Unfrozen Caveman Outfielder, and blocking out billboards with her icy gaze. I’m pretty sure this week’s installment, on the other hand, is a subtle personals ad. Read on!

With Ted Lilly having surgery and a question mark on the Cubs’ No. 5 starter, is GM Jim Hendry looking at adding starting pitching or are we hoping someone surprises us in the farm system?
– Matt J., Chicago

The question mark narrowly won the fifth starter job over a photon of light, arachnophobia, the concept of time, and dark matter.

CARRIE: Actually, Lilly’s injury prompted the Cubs to select Michael Parisi in the Rule 5 Draft on Thursday at the Winter Meetings. The right-hander gives them a little more insurance heading into the 2010 season just in case Lilly isn’t ready. The lefty, who had arthroscopic surgery on his left shoulder in early November, could be ready by the middle of April or early May, depending on how his rehab goes.

Ted Lilly doesn’t rehab shoulders. Shoulders rehab Ted Lilly. No, that doesn’t work at all.

CARRIE: The Cubs head into Spring Training with eight pitchers for five spots. The list includes Lilly, Parisi, Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Sean Marshall, Jeff Samardzija and Tom Gorzelanny.

*Sweats*
*Chugs Pepto-Bismol*

Why didn’t the Cubs offer arbitration to Rich Harden? In spite of his injury history, he has pitched well with a great strikeout rate. His Type A status would’ve netted the Cubs two Draft picks. If they were concerned he would accept arbitration, they should consider that he’s fairly young and probably looking to sign a multi-year deal. I just don’t see the logic.
– Sean W., Peoria, Ill.

It’s because Jim Hendry prides himself on not letting any of his players get to arbitration. He slept in on the day he was supposed to offer Harden arbitration, missed the deadline, and couldn’t bear to break his streak.

CARRIE: The Cubs knew more about Harden’s arm and health than any other team and opted to let him go. Think about that.

I love it when you give me homework. It adds to the schoolmarm mystique.

CARRIE: And, Harden was classified as a Type B free agent, not Type A (that was Kevin Gregg).

That’s right. We live in a world where Kevin Gregg is considered a more valuable pitcher than Rich Harden. You win, universe.

What do you think the chances are that Kelly Johnson ends up in a Cubs uniform next season? He could be an upgrade at second over Mike Fontenot or Jeff Baker. Johnson had a down year but he has the ability to go 20-20 and would slot nicely in the bottom of the order, and if he finds the swing with the speed, could slot into the No. 2 hole. I know the Cubs aren’t focusing on it this year, but he’s also a lefty.
– Nathan P., Omaha, Neb.

Yeah, Hendry is totally over his “get more left-handed” phase. He’s also over the Wii, the iPhone, learning to play the guitar, and the Twilight series.

CARRIE: Here’s why not: Johnson had the lowest batting average of a left-handed batter against right-handed pitching last season (minimum 200 plate appearances) at .188. He hit .224 overall. The second baseman, who turns 28 in February, also is coming off a right wrist injury.

I love when Carrie drops some nugget of information between a couple of commas. “Milton Bradley, who once played Maria in his all-male high school rendition of West Side Story…” “Ryan Theriot, whose greasy coiffure is actually a wig made of llama hair…” “Ted Lilly, whose trial for triple homicide starts in May…” “Mike Fontenot, who was once chased from an old Italian village by a pitchfork- and torch-wielding mob wielding crying, ‘NOSFERATU!’…”

CARRIE: I’m not sure about his potential to go 20-20 (assuming you mean 20 homers, 20 stolen bases).

Nope. Twenty hits and twenty errors.

CARRIE: He’s never done either 20. Looking at his past, he did hit .282 combined in 2007-08. He also struck out more than 100 times each season.

So what? Do strikeouts count for two outs now?

CARRIE: There is another player who was non-tendered whom the Cubs apparently have interest in, and that’s Pittsburgh closer Matt Capps. His agent, Paul Kinzer, told the Chicago Tribune that Capps is interested in the Cubs. Chicago has Carlos Marmol as its closer, but Capps could be the experienced right-handed setup pitcher the Cubs are looking for. He made $2.4 million last season, and the Pirates did not tender him because they felt Capps would receive a significant pay increase in arbitration.

Jim Hendry just punched $2.4 million into his calculator, called Capps, and offered him a 12-year, $81M contract with a full no-trade clause.

I know the Cubs are looking to the trade market, but they may have a center-field option in the free-agent market. Rick Ankiel is a left-handed-hitting center fielder. Lou Piniella likes left-handers, Ankiel plays center, so Kosuke Fukudome can move to right, and we don’t have to trade away the much-discussed prospects. Wouldn’t this be a fairly safe option and have the Cubs considered it?
– Neven C., Fort Dodge, Iowa

Good reasoning. I’ll help you with another thought problem. Derek Jeter likes women.

Liza Minnelli is a woman.

Derek Jeter should dump Minka Kelly…

…and go out with Liza Minnelli.

Now, I understand that Fukudome is no Minka Kelly, but Ankiel is no Fukudome, and now I’m completely lost in this analogy. Seriously, though, Minka. If this happens, call me.

CARRIE: At the Winter Meetings, Piniella indicated he wasn’t as insistent on finding a left-handed bat but that the Cubs preferred the best player they could get. Ankiel is one of several free-agent center fielders the Cubs are looking at.

Please tell me you’re kidding like you were that one time. Yeah, that one.

CARRIE: Here are their 2009 numbers:

Rick Ankiel: .231, 122 games, 21 doubles, 2 triples, 11 homers, 38 RBIs, .285 OBP

Marlon Byrd: .283, 146 games, 43 doubles, 2 triples, 20 homers, 89 RBIs, .329 OBP

Mike Cameron: .250, 149 games, 32 doubles, 3 triples, 24 homers, 70 RBIs, .342 OBP

Scott Podsednik: .304, 132 games, 25 doubles, 6 triples, 7 homers, 48 RBIs, .353 OBP

Cameron and Piniella were together in Seattle, and Hendry once tried to trade for Byrd.

And Ankiel had a secretary named Podsednik, and Podsednik spends a lot of time grabbing his ankles. WEIRD.

The Cubs still have a problem with no leadoff hitter. Why not put Theriot there and leave him there? He sees a lot of pitches and has a decent batting average.
– Steve B., Phoenix

Look, I hate Theriot just as much as the next guy, but no, he doesn’t see a lot of pitches. In fact, that’s one of the most infuriating things about the supposedly “heady” little spunkduster. He saw 3.68 pitches per plate appearance last year. Geovany Soto had a terrible year, and saw 3.88. So did Jeff Baker while he was with the Cubs (and saw 3.83 in Colorado). Mike Fontenot had a bad year, yet saw 4.03 pitches per appearance. Even the free-swinging Alfonso Soriano saw 3.85. Derrek Lee? 3.95. Walk-hating Aramis Ramirez saw 3.76. White-ball-hating Milton Bradley saw 4.05. And Kosuke Fukudome led the starters with 4.17 pitches seen per plate appearance. That’s right. Every single starter on the team (including Soriano and SOTO) would have been a better option as a leadoff hitter, if you were measuring by pitches seen. Do you see why I fucking hate Ryan Theriot?

CARRIE: Theriot is the leading candidate for the job.

Of course he is.

CARRIE: In his career, he’s batted leadoff in 94 games, has a .300 average, .356 on-base percentage, swiped 12 bases, and scored 59 runs.

Swiped 12 bases, AND GOT THROWN OUT SEVEN TIMES. Call me crazy, but if a guy is only going to have a 63% success rate when he steals, I’d rather have him, you know, NOT STEAL. This is why Theriot is a dumb, dumb baseball player. Getting on base is fine. STAY THERE IF YOU SUCK AT STEALING BASES, THOUGH.

From the information we know, do you think moving Spring Training to Florida would be good? There is a lot established in Arizona with close facilities, three current teams from the Central, the Arizona Fall League and a fan base.
– Steve P., Tempe, Ariz.

This argument from Arizona residents bugs the hell out of me. Why do Arizona residents think they’re any more entitled to have Cubs Spring Training games in their backyard than anyone else? If you want to make an argument against the Cubs moving, say you’re worried that the extra travel they’ll have to do in Florida will unnecessarily tire the team out. Say that the Florida humidity will sap their energy. Say that you’re worried they’ll be eaten by alligators. But Cubs fans will travel wherever the Cubs go. You, Steve P., will fly to Florida to watch them, and you know it. If Wrigley Field moves out to Naperville (please, please, please), 50,000 people (I did drawings of the new stadium if you want to see them, Crane) will bitch as they jump on the Burlington Northern line, commute out to Naperville, pay $50 for a ticket, drink beers at $8 a pop, and watch Cub baseball. It’s a disease.

CARRIE: As much as I like stone crabs and walking on the beach, the travel in Arizona is easier.

Other likes: the smell of old books, cutting coupons, Cat Fancy magazine, the “W” volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.

CARRIE: I think the Cubs are doing what any smart team would do, and that is weighing all the options.

They should try doing what other smart teams do. Win stuff.

I remember watching Thomas Diamond a few years back when he was in the Rangers’ system, and he had some incredible stuff. I was happy to find out he’s with the Cubs and noticed he’s putting up pretty great numbers. Is there any chance he’ll be invited to Spring Training? Or could he make the team, even out of the pen? He’s 2-0 in three starts with a 0.64 ERA in 14 innings and only gave up one earned run on eight hits with three walks and 15 strikeouts. If he’s healthy, he could be amazing.
– Tom F., Anacortes, Wash.

So could Mark Prior.

CARRIE: Those stats you gave were from Diamond’s three starts in the Mexican Winter League. A first-round pick by Texas in the 2004 First-Year Player Draft, Diamond will get an invite to the Cubs’ camp. The Cubs were a little worried a team might have seen Diamond in Mexico and taken him in the Rule 5 Draft.

Even Jake Taylor was good in the Mexican Winter League.

Why was Chris Robinson overlooked as a catcher to be added to the 40-man roster? He was a Triple-A All-Star, named the Iowa Cubs’ MVP and batted .326. He deserves a shot.
– Tim G., Bolingbrook, Ill.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Chris Robinson, the only person really concerned about whether Chris Robinson is getting a fair shot

CARRIE: He does, and the Cubs thought a team might take Robinson or their other Minor League catching prospect, Robinson Chirinos.

We gotta get these two together, so we have a Robinson Robinson.

CARRIE: Remember, any player taken in the Rule 5 has to stay with the big league team for the entire season or else be returned. As much as teams need catchers, scouts must have felt Robinson wasn’t quite ready for the Major Leagues.

Oh, we remember. I have a sign next to my front door that I see ever time I leave the house:

DAVID PATTON 2009: NEVER FORGET